Sensitivity in the therapeutic relationship

[Scarlet13]

I am strongly leaning towards taking a break or finding a new T.
I don't know if I really want to this or will do this.
Sessions with her can be brilliant.
She really understands me and I feel works hard, just as hard as I do in each session and I have made progress.
But last night, she just rescheduled again. She offered other spots and this is due to child care issues which I understand, but still...
I am really peeved about the fact that I emailed her regarding attachment anxiety seeking a quick response and all I got was a "I saw your email."
I don't really think that is a response.
I don't want to complain as emailing encouraging emails in between sessions is something she doesn't have to do.
But she misspelled my name (again).
She is using voice to text and does not go back over it.

She has like 15 patients, but seriously I have 50 students and I go out of my way to get their names right.

She then responds by telling me AGAIN that she will be out of town. It is like, I get it, I will not contact you then. Im not an idiot. The message in a way is that she does not want me to need her at all. Then why did she ever say it was ok to email her? I am not going to do that when she is away.

I just don't know how I can go in and heal from my unavailable mother with her.
This makes me feel stupid and insecure. Like a fool for trusting her.
I don't need this.
I would do better if I did not have to deal with a therapist and all of this bull shit.
I could spend my money on accupunture and keep improving my sleep.

I don't want to go in and make myself vulnerable to her if she can't even get my name right.

Does anybody else feel like what is the point of therapy?
Maybe somebody else or some other set up would work better.
I don't know.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Is it possible you’re looking for an out? You haven’t addressed these issues with her so it’s not exactly surprising that they are showing up again. Now if you had told her all these things and she STILL did them, yeah, that would severely piss me off and I’d walk away most likely. Mention the rescheduling thing. My current t did that a few times and it made me feel like I wasn’t a priority and I told him that. I actually told him via text saying I’m one to “silently seethe” but that it really bothered me and can we arrange it so this doesn’t happen? And he told me he understood completely and apologized and explained the reasoning he had for it and it hadn’t happened since. That’s magic right there. When you voice a concern and they work hard to make it right. If you haven’t done that then you haven’t given her a fair chance to correct her mistakes and you’re missing out on a good opportunity. I totally agree, the name thing sucks and it looks like she doesn’t double check but what are you assuming from her mistake? That she doesn’t value you. That she doesn’t care. You’re finding evidence to back up your beliefs from your childhood. Which makes a lot of sense, I do it as well.

No one can tell you what to do here. Is she your first therapist? You could definitely try someone new but do be aware things will bug you with the next one (fun lesson to learn haha.). You can’t escape people making mistakes. You just can’t. And it doesn’t mean they don’t care, it means they’re people. But if they are aware they are hurting and they don’t make an effort to corrective behavior THEN they are assholes and get out! I’m sorry you’re hurting. Having these feelings come up isn’t remotely fun, I’ve been there.

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks @UnicornSightings that helps a lot.
I am going to talk to her today.
I just would rather quit therapy than bring it up with her.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Thanks @UnicornSightings that helps a lot.
I am going to talk to her today.
I just...

I totally get that and I would mention that as well! It takes a lot of courage to open up about something hurtful someone else does. I hope you can recognize that and be proud of that. To share it here and with her. Anything you do is completely ok. Whenever I’m undecided I try to do what’s best for my heart. Like if my heart had a say in it and that’s usually the most vulnerable route. I hope it goes well and if it doesn’t, then at least you did everything, right? Then you look out for yourself and move on. Btw how is acupuncture? I have major sleep issues...

Btw please let us know how it goes!!!

 

[Scarlet13]

Acupunture is great for sleep, just expensive.
I also use a weighted blanket.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Acupunture is great for sleep, just expensive.
I also use a weighted blanket.

Oooh! That would be cool to try! Oh but my dog sleeps under the covers, he would freak out lol!!

 

[Scarlet13]

So I just talked to my T and it was one of those deep sessions.
Sometimes it feels like I am a compass that is all out of whack and then I see her and she sets me right.
We talked about love and how I feel too invisible to be loved.
We talked about the things that had me upset and worked thru them all.
I was over reacting to them all accept for getting my name wrong.
I asked if she could try to get my name right in future communications.
I just felt more secure after the session with her.
But its really hard. I both long for connection, but feel uncomfortable with it at the same time.
She pointed that out too.

 

[UnicornSightings]

So I just talked to my T and it was one of those deep sessions.
Sometimes it feels like I am a compas...

Omg how cool!!! I’m SOOOO glad you told her all that!!!!

 

[Scarlet13]

So, the problem is now I noticed her wedding/engagement ring and I know she is planning a big trip where she will be gone for 2 weeks and completely unreachable.

I am going to casually ask her about it, because well that would be an ok thing to ask about, the ring is really obvious and glitzy.

I am dreading that for some reason. I am going to keep that conversation very surfacy, like what I would have with a co worker.

When I woke up this morning, the first thought in my brain was, "What if she moves?"

But I don't think she is planning on that, as she said she is staying in Denver last year.
Uggh, I hate being attached to a good therapist.
I know I could find someone new, but still, uggh.

 

[UnicornSightings]

So, the problem is now I noticed her wedding/engagement ring and I know she is planning a big trip wh...

So you went from having a problem to resolving it to finding another problem? That’s impressive lol. Can you stop and enjoy the fact that you resolved things and be proud of yourself? I get being trapped in that worried mind but there’s nothing you can do to make her stay if she wants to leave at some point. My last t, who I had a strong maternal attachment to, emailed that she was leaving in a month. Out of nowhere. Couldn’t have predicted it. If it happens you’ll get through it, if it doesn’t, you’re spending soooooo much of YOUR time worried about her. I’ve been there but it so isn’t worth it. What goals of your own can you focus on instead? What things of your own can you look forward to?

 

[Scarlet13]

I know, I totally just jumped into another problem.
It is because the session was so good and I felt so good and then I went home and crashed and had really good, deep sleep.
She really calms down my nervous system.
But, then I woke up and I had to sabotage it.

When I was first pregnant with my son after having many miscarriages, I got a beautiful ultrasound and was so happy, that later my next thought was, "What if I get fired?"
Not because of the pregnancy, but just because.

It is connected to my trauma. And noticing her ring feels sort of intense. Its like I love this person and know nothing about her.
I love her, but I don't want anything more than the therapeutic relationship, but when I see glimpses into her life its a little overwhelming just because every thing is so intense with her in terms of the psychodynamic work.

You are right, there is no point in worrying over something you cannot control.
I am in the process of healing my attachment issues with a person who needs to and should remain a mystery and who could leave at any minute.
This is tricky.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I know, I totally just jumped into another problem.
It is because the session was so good and I felt...

I’ve been there! If she didn’t leave I would STILL be there. So I really get it. And I sabotage in my own ways as well. I’m sorry to hear about the miscarriages, that must’ve been so hard! I really understand the fear that comes from depending on your t to be there. I’m glad you plan to talk about it with her! I think that will be really reassuring.