Sentimentality..

[KwanYingirl]

my daughter, aged 31, came to visit with her partner and her dog. She had a wonderful childhood and I found many educational adventures for her in her teens and during college. She is the polar opposite of me, which totally proves how developmental trauma f*cks you up. She has loads of self esteem, is daring and has no fear. She has many friends that also were raised right. I just love them all so much.

I can't identify with my daughters sentimentality. She attaches to things, that's what I think the difference is. She kept her first car going until it was 16 because of her sentiment for it. She goes out of her way to celebrate holidays and continues traditions I started since I had none from childhood.

Are you sentimental? I'm not. I see it in others and wish I could connect to things that are meaningful. I think my possessions were few and often ripped away from me by my dickhead father. I never had a doll or stuffed animal. Now, I buy shoes. Like, many. Am I compensating for my barren childhood? My daughter just bought her first new car, interestingly, it is a white Jeep Cherokee. The same color and make of my car that I raised them in. She told me it was very sentimental and she felt connected to it when she was shopping for an SUV.

What purpose do you think sentiment serves us as Humans? Am I the only PTSDer that isn't? I mean, why attach when anything that matters gets taken away? Or dreadful drunken monster father every holiday.

 

[Casey_03]

Sentimentality disgusts me. But if your daughter is sentimental, that means you did everything right. I think it's a healthy trait of people who genuinely believe in warmth. People with PTSD are used to things being taken away, of not being able to rely on anything. So I think it's natural for us to frown on sentimental feelings -- we just don't see the point, we've been programmed not to. But you should take joy in the fact that your daughter is able to think this way, I think it says only good things about how she was raised.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Casey_03 thank you for the compliment. I ended the generations of a long time abusive family.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Yes you broke the cycle. My daughter is also very sentimental and saves everything. I am sentimental about the things my husband and I got on our travels. Be proud of yourself for being such a good mom and having such a deep bond with your daughter.

 

[Weemie]

i have never felt sentimental about objects or holidays. or people, sometimes. i can drop and go. i don't miss people, i don't suffer for them or pine for them. none of it means anything to me, i have a hard time forcing myself to care about it. i think most of my friends see me as a childlike figure because i really don't care about stuff. and i am very closed about the things i do care about, about the future i am trying to build for myself. belongings, stuff, relationships, they are secondary to me. birthdays and holidays don't even register for me. i hardly know my mom's birthday, i don't get people gifts, i don't expect people to get me gifts.

 

[Seasounds]

I agree with Casey_03.

Since your daughter has fond memories, seeking material items that keep the essence (love and happiness) of those memories alive, supports her in the present. Symbolically, It brings you with her.:inlove:

And, I am like you. Due to an abusive childhood and alcoholic parents, there is nothing to celebrate and there is no reason to practice sentimentally. Holidays are hard in that way.

I'm happy that your daughter wants to keep her memories alive. You can take pride!

For the purpose of finding a 'space you can celebrate together or share' I'm wondering, in celebration of her, if you find some joy in memories of holidays because of her?

And I totally get how your daughter's celebration of holidays may trigger bad memories for you. I'm with you there; when people celebrate holidays, filled with wonderful sentiment, I have nothing to add.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Saetva nice insight about her carrying me with her. I do feel a strong attachment to my children and their journey through life. There lives are expansive where mine was curled into a tight knot. They have furniture of mine that they treasure-I was just glad to get rid of it. Seeing it in their homes does fill my heart with warmth because those possessions remind me of when we all lived together. I struggle with separation anxiety since they've been on their own. Life seems empty without them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am terribly sentimental. But I forget too. Maybe she needs visual or tactile reminders? I do think of 'things' as never being permanent though, so I like the physical touch because I expect I never know when it will be gone. Also, in a bad time (SI) I threw much of everything including photos away (but those were only of myself). I just associate the sentimentality with feeling things will be ok. Kind of grounding & heart-vitamins. :)

I think you have been a wonderful Mom. :) :inlove:

 

[Friday]

Are you sentimental? .

Yes & No. It depends on a number of factors. When I am, it is near 100% memory related. When an object inspires good memories and love, I tend to get quite fiercely protective of it. My ex would use this against me all the time. I was saving my favorites of my son's baby & childhood clothes to make a memory quilt when he left for college & I would (presumably!) be empty nesting. In order to hurt me, one of the things he would do would be to destroy those things and leave the shreds he cut up with scissors where I could find them. When he "caught" me saving the useful scraps of them to use as borders or diamonds in the quilt? He'd give them to goodwill or to friends. Ditto, I had several terabytes of photos he stole from me, and then destroyed the backup copies of them.

I am having the opposite problem at the present. I am trying really, really hard to care about material things. I can't, right now, although I'm still trying. I can't bring myself to care about a job, or a home, or food, or clothes, or anything that goes into normal/healthy living.

What purpose do you think sentiment serves us as Humans? Am I the only PTSDer that isn't? I mean, why attach when anything that matters gets taken away? Or dreadful drunken monster father every holiday.

At its most base level, I think it keeps us living. It means we construct homes for ourselves, and furnish them, and decorate them... Feed ourselves a variety food that tastes good... 1,000 things that are purely and simply unnecessary to basic survival.

3 CH53echo (Helicopters) just flew overhead literally as I'm writing this, and my eyes are stinging and I don't cry. They're just bits of metal. I "shouldn't" be attached to them, but I am. Grief & desire. I wish I was in the air in them right now. I can't bring myself to care about more than a tent to live in... I'm perilously close to simply walking away from civilization entirely... But those birds just wrenched my heart out. So maybe I do still care. At least a little. Prolly good news. Even if it hurts.

At it's more advanced level? Yes, sentimentality can get in the way of survival. People refuse to leave a home, despite floods/ fires/ invasions. But there is a sweet spot. A point at which we do care about living well, instead of simply living.

 

[Spiderallis]

Me too. A few weeks ago a friend even mentioned it, she couldn't understand how I packed every little trinket into a box and gave them back to my most recent ex. They're still friends, from what I understand it bothered him most that I felt the need to give back a rock. I think it may have something to do with the instability of existence- if I get too attached to anything, I might get hurt when it falls down. My outdated method is to avoid that, I need to be able to make an abrupt exit when things burst into flames or whatever. I keep hoping that if I can get better enough, I might make memories worth keeping mementos.

 

[Tinyflame]

But there is a sweet spot. A point at which we do care about living well, instead of simply living.

I love this. It's not about 'things' especially or even particular things but people/ reminders in the present of what matters, what we value & what counts to us.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't think I am very sentimental. Maybe I am just a little, but I am not sure. I know, when I was homeless, I lost everything but one set of cloths and a comb and brush and that kind of stuff. All my belongings fit into 3 small plastic grocery bags the day I finally found a home that would take me in. Since then, by shopping at thrift stores, I have tried to find duplicates of the things I used to own. Maybe that is being sentimental? I'm not sure. It could also just be useful. I know how to use those things or the cloths fit me well, because their originals fit me well too.