Relationship Serious Question, Even Though It Sounds Like A Joke

[journey31]

Radar? No, not in the sense that we can read thoughts of anyone else. But hypervigalent reading of bo...

I have asked and he talks in circles. He will say something like if I didn't want to see you I wouldn't.
I will respond with, well you're not seeing me. He will come back with the same response.
Then when I said "so you want to see me, but won't see me, can you see why I'm confused "?
And he didn't talk to me for two days.

That's one example. He doesn't like it when I question his actions. I don't do it accusatory. I try the, when this happens this is how I feel approach. And he either gets defensive, or doesn't respond.

 

[journey31]

@journey31 I can totally relate to this. I agree with sweetpea, I think it may be a com...

I guess it's like my friend was telling me last night. While his behavior isn't "normal " it's normal for him. She is Right. He does seem to have a pattern of do something sweet, or get close, gotta run away for a few days.
I guess I need to stop taking it so personal.

 

[queen]

I guess it's like my friend was telling me last night. While his behavior isn't "normal " it's normal for him. She is Right. He does seem to have a pattern of do something sweet, or get close, gotta run away for a few days.

Just YES to everything you're saying.... Lol... :cool: That's exactly what happens to me, and that's exactly how I react to it, and that's exactly how I'm trying not to react to it. Case in point, N left on a trip and I didn't see him for 10 days. Also didn't hear from him much. I knew he was going to be busy and probably not have a ton of time to text, but texting takes 10 seconds, right? Anyhow, there was a stretch I didn't hear from him for 3 days. I reached out to him just letting him know I was thinking about him, and hoped his return trip went well. When he got back, we ended up seeing each other 5 straight days/nights (either me at his place or him at mine). At HIS request. Not only that, but he was sweet and thoughtful and relaxed. We had a great time. I was like "wow, this is awesome". THEN..... I didn't see him for a straight week, texting was totally sporadic, and he had tons of reasons why he couldn't see me. One step forward, two steps back.

 

[journey31]

Just YES to everything you're saying.... Lol... :cool: That's exactly what happens to me, and that's exac...

I've said that before. One step forward two steps back.
He's so hot and cold.
Hell we've been intimate one time. And he said he can't do it again. So it's not like that's why he keeps coming back around. There's obviously something there.
He just absolutely refuses to let me get close.
But won't let me go either.

 

[Justmehere]

If it is PTSD related, it's not so much that he is refusing to let you get close, any more than a cancer patient exhausted from side effects is refusing to run 26 miles. A sprint of closeness, sure. Easily doable. But extended closeness is hard when PTSD symptoms are strong because sometimes there isn't anything left inside. Being close is scary, especially when someone is safe, because trauma usually came at the hands of humans. Close is being vulnerable to getting hurt and when the PTSD stress cup is already full, sometimes there is no more room.

I often feel this. I want to be close, but I can't because all my energy is zapped by fighting the PTSD.

Pacing is important. It's like building up a muscle. It's not because of you, but that vulnerability and closeness is scary. It's almost like how exposed therapy works. The exposure has to be built up to be stronger every time, and not jump right to the most scary thing. In relationships the fear can be delayed, and it's not usually about the other current partner, but the past trauma that's being stirred up by being so close and risking being so vulnerable.

People without trauma at the hands of humans find safety and comfort in human connection. People who have been traumatized by humans do not easily find that same safety and comfort, not in the same way. It takes a lot longer to build it up. It is possible, and tough.

The more you and him can pace out and gradually build up closeness the more he will build up the ability to sustain closeness. It's like a marathon, at a turtle's pace, to build up the relationship in a sustaining way.

I usually want to dive in myself and it's great, I can do it for days on end. My partner and I enjoy it. Then, it's like BAM. I hit this wall and I shut down and I can not be close like I want to be, so badly, and it's a very painful place for me. It is so lonely, and I will want to connect, but I can't. I know it's also hard for the people I shut down with.

I avoid hitting that wall and shutting down by pacing even when I don't want to, and by processing the old trauma in therapy too.

I've been on both sides of the shut out, and it's really tough. My heart goes out to you and him both. :hug:

 

[queen]

People without trauma at the hands of humans find safety and comfort in human connection. People who have been traumatized by humans do not easily find that same safety and comfort, not in the same way.

This totally makes sense to me, for people who developed PTSD from childhood abuse, sexual/physical violence, etc. I'm wondering how this applies to combat vets, who may have never seen their attacker(s) and/or didn't necessarily associate their trauma with a physical person but with an intangible "enemy".

In relationships the fear can be delayed, and it's not usually about the other current partner, but the past trauma that's being stirred up by being so close and risking being so vulnerable.

I mean, when I think about my combat vet, he wasn't betrayed by a safe person, a trusted individual, or even an identified "human". I get that vulnerability is tough in general, so much moreso for those with PTSD, but how is the relationship "stirring it up", if the trauma was not relationship-based? Any insight into this would be helpful!

 

[Justmehere]

It's still trauma at the hands of humans. I have ahead combat vets explain it to be a few times, and they can explain it better.

Closeness is vulnerability and it does fill up the stress cup to be vulnerable. The military in trains soldiers to really believe that vulnerability is a life and death matter, because in war, it is.

Also, combat vets often see their friends and others get severely injured and die. Just the risk of death to those around you is huge, and the bonds between soldiers are really deep. That was a bond that was built up on purpose so they could fight well together. It also means there is really deep pain and fear with connection after knowing people you were connected with (other soldiers) at least faced the threat of death on a daily basis.

That's some of what has been explained to me by combat vets about why it is hard to attach to and be vulnerable with people again after being through that environment.

It's so hard to explain the bond with other survivors of the same trauma, but it is a very strong one. The fact that bond was threatened by humans trying to kill you and them, it makes is hard, stressful to connect with other humans in the future.

There is the factor that most trauma "teaches" the survivor to disown emotions. The military in general trains people to be tough on the outside. Being emotional is intense with PTSD and it's hard to let people into that. I have heard from vets a sense of wanting to protect others from those really symptomatic PTSD times - and I feel that too as a survivor of other types of trauma.

Hopefully a combat vet will come along and explain what it's like for them, as I am passing on only what has been explained to me.

 

[queen]

Thanks, @Justmehere , that is very very helpful. I hadn't considered the facet of fear related to losing others, or at least the possibility of losing others that are close, and therefore the fear of getting close. Makes a lot of sense.

 

[journey31]

If it is PTSD related, it's not so much that he is refusing to let you get close, any more than a can...

Ok. He started out coming on so strong. Then just stopped. I said something about that and he said he can only fake it for so long.
He is a combat vet. He's seen a lot of death. He came back a different person from what I've been told. I didn't know him before.

He also keeps talking about the fear of being hurt. He said he has been cheated on a lot. And I can't hurt him if he doesn't let me get close. So he told me he's keeping me away on purpose.
No matter what I say he still sticks to the "I don't want to get hurt again"
Even though he says I've done nothing to make him think I will.

I just wonder how long is it going to take for him to trust me.

 

[journey31]

Thanks, @Justmehere , that is very very helpful. I hadn't considered the facet of fear...

And losing someone isn't always death. A breakup is a loss. I wasn't thinking about that either. Justmehere was very helpful. That paragraph hit all my points

 

[Queen Boudica]

This has been going on for 3 years and he still isn't letting you in and afraid you will hurt him, going hot and cold. It will go on forever if you keep with him. Either he gets therapy to resolve his issues about this. He is stuck in a cycle. You can't get him to trust you, he needs help.

 

[journey31]

This has been going on for 3 years and he still isn't letting you in and afraid you will hurt him, going ho...

Yeah. I've recently (past few days) decided I can't do this anymore. I haven't even tried to contact him. Not has he me.
If he does I'm going to tell him I'm done. If he doesn't, then it's obvious.