Sex And Feeling Pressured

[Draiocht]

I don't know how to feel right now. Sometimes he is good for me. My therapists are trying to encourage me to be kind to myself on a regular basis, and he does help that sometimes. He also doesn't pester me about sex all the time, just a fair amount of the time. But I usually end up feeling like he only does these things when they benefit him, and that even though I keep saying to him that I am not going to get better overnight, he still thinks that I might. I ask him if he would still want to be with me if my issues were permanent and he says that he would. But his actions say otherwise. It's like he has a short term memory. I have to keep reminding him why things upset me. And I usually end up looking after him, slipping into old roles.

I worry about getting him to come to a therapy session. I worry because I spend a lot of time building a house of cards, trying to pretend things are better than they are to protect him, and I am not ready to completely emotionally open up to him. I work on it. I keep forcing myself to be honest with him. So how I used to say I was okay, just tired? I tell him I'm feeling s***. Or I tell him I'm feeling too scared to have sex. But he can't sit with those feelings or issues. He can't say, "that sucks" and hug me. He's always got to fix me and when he can't he gets upset. And then I feel guilty for having said anything at all.

Bloomy, I actually never initiate spooning anymore because it always ends up with him trying to have sex. And when he wants to cuddle me I know it's going to end up like that too.

Cj77, I've said it a couple of times. How I've felt trapped because he just wants to keep cuddling me, hoping he can persuade me. It's not as if he literally forces me to stay and into doing things I don't want to/feel able to do - if I just got out of bed he might jokingly hold onto me but he wouldn't force me to stay, even if he'd then spend the next couple of hours giving me the silent treatment - but it is exhausting saying no so many times, particularly as I am scared to say it at all anyway. But it upsets him that I would think of him that way. I get scared about that. That previous awful relationship I mentioned echoes in it. That guy actually did rape me. When I called him a rapist he was outraged, how dare I say that to him!

 

[Saria]

Just wanted to add that I've actually been in a similar situation with my boyfriend of 2 years, and understand how difficult it is @Draiocht Our solution was that we made a no-sex deal for a couple of months. I don't know if that would be helpful for you guys, but at least for me it took the pressure off and made it possible to have non-sexual physical contact without all the dissociation

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not sure it's a great idea for a sexual abuse survivor to be in a relationship with someone who interprets something like cuddling (prolonged hugging) as an open door to sex. It sounds like it's just making things worse for you. I'm not sure how you'd even begin to heal when you're bombarded 24/7 with the message that it's all just sex/sex/sex and you can't even have human touch (a very real human need) without your partner wanting sex. (I dont think its "making love" when a partner is this incredibly disrespectful. It's sex and nothing more.)

 

[Bloomy]

I agree with Eve. From your description of how the spooney goes I felt a urge to kick him out of the sofa and tell him to leave me alone just by your description of it. I know there is two sides of the story and we get your side, but the way you describe it doesnt sound good at all.
Like Eve say we need human touch just for the touch. Not to be followed up by the request of sex. This is what Im sayin is killing the lust.

 

[Draiocht]

Saria, that sounds like a good idea. You guys are right, I think it would be good for me to experience contact without any expectations associated with it. I thought I'd noticed a pattern with this a while back, because it's always morning or night when he wants to, but the only times I've felt okay have been at other times of day. He hasn't understood the fear I have just knowing he's expecting sex at these times. A month or so might defuse it well.

 

[Sideways]

Getting comfortable with sex, intimacy, trust, etc post sexual trauma is a baby steps thing. And both of you have to be fine with that and have the patience to work on it that way. You need to be comfortable in bed with physical contact looong before sex should be back on the cards. Otherwise, you leap into sex, it's awful, your brain becomes more set in its belief that sex is awful and, oftentimes, you actually end up retraumatising yourself.

If he's genuinely prepared to work with you, slowly, to rebuild that stuff, that would be the most awesome outcome.

But (with a capital B), it sounds like you've tried. Like, really really tried. And he can't/won't do it that way.

And I've been sitting on this thought for a while as this thread has ebbed and flowed, but the only thing that seems to be missing to make this a really obviously abusive relationship is him not calling you nasty names. Says the right things and does the right things. Sometimes. Just enough to keep you hanging in.

But the reality that you're describing, the constant pressure, the feelings he's bringing up when he's forcing you into situations you don't want (which would be rape, by the by) - that's not sounding much like a happy, healthy relationship. A lot of women (a LOT) in abusive relationships respond to that sort of reality check with statements just like yours: "but most of the time he...", or "but I really love him/know he really loves me...".

Like I said, if he could commit to a long term baby-step process to help you, that would be the most brilliant thing in the world. But if not, if he keeps pushing for sex when that's really traumatising you - if it were a friend in your situation, how would you describe a relationship like that?

I feel bad, because I'd like this to work and for him to be a genuinely nice guy, just really uncomfortable with what I'm reading...:(

 

[Bloomy]

@Ragdoll Circus well said - Id also want this to work cause youd deserve a caring good nuturing relationship, but with capital B as Ragdoll writes here - there are so many flags.

I hope you will let us know how it goes if you suggest what Saria says. Take care.

 

[Draiocht]

One hell of a lot to chew on. To be honest it's been in the back of my mind a few times over the years but I ended up dismissing it as paranoia from previous relationships. But maybe that in itself has made it difficult for me to see - ironic since I thought the prior experience would make things clearer to me if they happened again. I get confused a lot over what's reasonable because I know there's push and pull in a relationship and I've seen other couples jokingly argue these things out and assumed that was what we were doing. But it rarely goes my way and I feel guilty when it does anyway. I keep feeling like I'm a bad person if I get bothered by things like always doing the tidying and the dishes and how he mocks my music tastes and lifestyle choices (I used to be veggie).

the only thing that seems to be missing to make this a really obviously abusive relationship is him not calling you nasty names.

It's this that got me though. He's never been openly horrible to me. He says things that are insulting but as a joke, or at least that's what he tells me if I ever say that it upsets me. As an example, is this a healthy relationship scenario: If I buy myself an item of clothing and he sees me wearing it and tells me I look stupid or silly, and then when I look upset he tells me that's just his opinion and I can wear it if I want to (but don't wear it around him)? Or that it doesn't look *that* silly?

I just don't know. It's just a stupid example. I feel like I should be able to let that stuff just roll off me. But what worries me now is how I'm defending him already in my head. Thinking there must be something I haven't mentioned that would exonerate him.

As for retraumatising, I have to think I've done that, a lot. I've been in 4 relationships total, 11 years cumulatively. Each one has been aware of my trauma (even if I was only officially diagnosed recently, I knew what problems I was having and why, if you get me). None of them has involved any kind of babysteps approach to sex. This is worrying me. No wonder I feel like I'm still just as disgusted, disinterested, terrified of sex as I always have been, since abuse.

 

[scout86]

Think about it. Do you continue to make hurtful "jokes" about someone you actually LOVE once they've told you it's hurtful? Is he stupid? Probably not.

 

[Bloomy]

Its not a stupid example. I think its a good one. This goes to show that he doesnt say the most cruel words, but he sure dont say the nice words either. I find it rather manipualtive. Im not sure if your abuse have blurred your sight to the extent you dont see when some one treat you wrongly?
Cause If some one said something like that to me more then twice I sure would re consider the whole affair. I mean if your clothes of choise would not be so nice there are better ways to say them. Like that shirt doesnt inhence your nice waist line. Or those jeans doesnt do right to your sexy bottom or such things. This colour is not so flattering to you, but you look gorgeous in blue.

Does he ever give you compliments? Saying you look pretty or nice or such?

 

[Draiocht]

He does sometimes. He says that I'm cute, but I think that might be a bit backhanded; like it's a patronising thing not about my appearance but about how I make bad decisions sometimes, or when I've been a bit dumb about something.

Im not sure if your abuse have blurred your sight to the extent you dont see when some one treat you wrongly?

I've felt kind of queasy about some things before. When we started seeing each other I was on the tail end of receiving Disability Living Allowance benefits after I'd been in supported accommodation, so I had a bit more money than him. As I don't tend to spend money on myself it seemed alright to spend it on him at first. I used to pay for meals out, weekly shops, alcohol, all sorts of bits and bobs. He wasn't broke but he spent his money on himself, never on shared stuff. It got to the point where I must have been "owed" almost a grand. Occasionally when he'd assume I was going to pay for something I'd get upset and ask him why I had to pay for everything, was he using me for my money? He would get upset at the implication and I'd feel awful for having ever brought it up, so I backed down.

My therapists don't think he was using me as such, it was more that I was facilitating him. I was using money to try and prove to him I was worth keeping around, as I don't feel I have any intrinsic value of my own. He didn't manipulate me into spending that money but when I offered to pay for things every now and then he got used to the idea and pushed it further and I didn't stand up for myself, so he thought it was okay. I think that's how it is with sex. He knows I have difficulties but it's confusing for him as sometimes I appear okay (when I can dissociate and I have sex as I feel guilty for not wanting to) and then I'll be frightened another time, when it's too much. I can usually tell when it will be too much for me. Once I slapped his hand away without even thinking because I'd agreed to sleep with him even though I was on the edge of bad thoughts. But I let things continue as I was worried he'd be upset if I asked him to stop.

I guess it just feels even harder now that we've been going out for such a long time. He doesn't know that I'm hardly ever "present" when we're intimate. Sometimes I feel like he must know, when he's spent ages convincing me to have sex - surely if it takes that long to get someone to agree you must know on some level it's not out of any real desire - but he's not a mind reader. Should he know to be careful around me because he knows my past and my trauma and has seen me fight off flashbacks and practically have out of body experiences in response to triggers before? Have I done enough, let him know enough, to warrant his being careful?

 

[Stickler]

All the below is just my opinion. Feel free to take or leave; I do tend to express myself in a pushy fashion though...

He sounds pretty selfish and disrespectful.

He tells you what to wear, tells you your decisions are stupid, then says " I was only joking" and " you're so sensitive," when you call him on what is actually bullying behavior.

Meaning he's hurting you and then blaming you for being hurt.
Uh...Holy head trip, Batman!
Not ok. He's eroding you. He's planting self-doubt and weakening you. This is bad. This is emotional abuse. It's a control tactic.

Maybe it is not so much the sex as it is...your guy is a jerk, and it's a turn-off? Just a thought.

...Grinding on you after you say no is not ok.
That's crossing a boundary.
If he really cared about your well-being, he'd stop.
He doesn't care that much.
He may *think* he cares, people often lie to themselves too about the damage they are doing to the people they "love".
But his actions say he does not care.

(Because I am semi-evil...I have an image of you punching him in the nuts the next time he grinds on you after a "no".
Then you can say: " Sorry, I know you aren't into having your nuts punched, but I really, REALLY needed to punch you in the nuts. I'm a woman! I HAVE NEEDS!")

He just wants to not push it so far that you leave him...meanwhile he'll keep eroding you psychologically so he can get away with more crap that hurts you.

You don't want this.
You can do much better.
Throw this one back, honey.

I had a live in boyfriend who'd pick a really stupid argument and not get that it made me very turned off.
...I think he wanted make-up sex. Which...uh uh. Last thing I want to do with someone I am mad with
So about the time I'd be calmed down enough to want him, he'd piss me off again.
We did not last much longer than a year.