Sex As A Coping Tool?

[Ymoyhw]

@Civelo in your experience, what do people mention as being some of the regrets they have surrounding casual sex? Especially men?

 

[Uhe]

One man in particular that I know slept around a lot, he was the lead singer in s band and didn't have to try hard to find it - and he hurt a lot of women. I think he hates remembering thd kind of guy he was because he's so different these days. Having daughters might have something to do with it too!!
He's thd biggest example I know of a man regretting it. I think most just kind of forget about it, but he is actually a pretty sensitive guy.
For the women I know it's a sense of embarrassment and even shame to have shared your body so intimately with a stranger, and perhaps the feeling of having been used kicks in later and makes you angry why you allowed that.
stds that caused infertility, unwanted pregnancies - those two cause more than embarrassment, they cause massive grief!
some pay the price, some don't. It's not something that makes people feel good about themselves as they get older, how many peopld they've slept with. Most people wish it was less!
Of course this is just me and the people I know, but I truly don't know anyone who celebrates the fact that they had a lot of casual sex!!

 

[Polam]

I think he hates remembering thd kind of guy he was

You think. I have seen research showing that men regret not having had more casual sex. Sad to say.

For the women I know it's a sense of embarrassment and even Shame to have shared your body so intimately with a stranger, and perhaps the feeling of having been used kicks in later and makes you angry why you allowed that.

Uh, yeah, this. Also if you get a rep as the town bike (everyone's had a ride) you'll soon be surprised to find how few offers you're getting--at least quality ones. You know that look guys get when a girl is talking about past boyfriends? Like they're about to break out a calculator? Uh huh. I didn't say I like it, but it's reality.

 

[Zefi]

I think sometimes women in monogamous relationships even become feeling very used and abused regarding sex, even when they don't have a history of sexual trauma. When things don't feel equal for example. Sometimes women feel they have to use sex to manipulate the situation, or they feel they have to provide to survive, and that sucks.

 

[Onuw]

but I truly don't know anyone who celebrates the fact that they had a lot of casual sex!!

I am. I do. I believe I am very lucky to have been able to have had a lot of casual sex.

Just one reason amongst many; I read on here all the time people who have one bad experience, wait a few months or few years, another bad experience, wait a few more months or years add another bad experience, rinse lather repeat; and then they just blame themselves. What's wrong with me? I'm not worth treating well. Etc. Or they blame men/women as a whole. Men just want to use you. Men are disgusting. Women only care about money. Women just lie to you. Etc.

With that history? With or without sexual assault priming it? No wonder they feel that way!

I've had dozens of bad experiences. They are overwhelmingly put in their place as the minority by the hundreds of good experiences I've had. Not entirely talking about sex, here. While there are guys who will break up with you for not having sex (as there are guys who will break up with you for not being their religion, political party, and every other reason under the sun; because that's what dating is for! To find like-minded people, in sex as well as other areas) there are also plenty of guys who won't.

That I've dated as much as I have, that I've had as much casual sex as I have, really let's me see it's just one component in a relationship. And that someone else being an asshole? In sex, as well as any or all other areas? Is just that. Oh. He's a jerk. Moving on. Not some sort of proclamation about my self worth, nor the entire species of men.

I am extremely grateful that I've had a lot of casual sex, for many reasons. Not the least of which being that some people's entire dating careers -with huge weight placed on the few assholes they've tried dating- are the equivalent to a lousy weekend I had! Sometimes that weekend was mostly my fault, just me picking the wrong guys. If so? Easy lessons to learn. Okay, let's not do this, again! Sometimes it's just bad luck. Yeesh! What a streak! 3 jerks in a row? When does that ever effing happen???

I've gone out on hundreds of dates with men. I've slept with a lot of them, haven't slept with a lot of others. Most have been okay. Some have been amazing. Some have been terrible. Early on in my career I miscatagorized a few blokes just from lack of experience. I've made some doozies of mistakes. I've had truly amazing experiences with really stellar men that I wouldn't trade for the world. I'm in no way ashamed of my history. Anyone who is ashamed of my history? Isn't someone I want to date! That's probably a Top10 item, right there; Never date anyone who is ashamed of you!!! Full stop.

So, yep. Just one reason why I very much celebrate having had a lot of casual sex. Perspective.

 

[Bepani]

Ctd. From Above

I think it's interesting, however, that 'sex as a coping tool' almost immediately jumped to 'casual sex' & 'different partners'. Which are all 3 very different things, IMO. Can also be coping tools (or just personal preference, or a trauma thing, or etc.).

Point being; sex can be used as a tool from inside a marriage or committed relationship, also.

 

[Opegib]

Woman with 100+ sex partners over a lifetime = mentally ill.

 

[Iraf]

Opegib - it seems like we are all different though. Your statistic would be right for someone like me, that would make me crazy, but Onuw - probably not!
"know thyself" applies here as well as everywhere else. But I do agree for the majority of women, casual sex brings very little joy..

 

[Kebez]

it seems like we are all different though

Yep. Some of us are ill.

 

[Ogal]

Woman with 100+ sex partners over a lifetime = mentally ill.

LMAO :roflmao:

There are just so many different ways this is hilarious.

... They say on a forum devoted to PTSD, a mental illness.
... They say, using mental illness as an insult?
... Because clearly, an enjoyable and consensual act, rates right up there with PTSD & other forms of mental illness that people not only don't want but also struggle with and suffer though. Yep. Something someone chooses to do & enjoys is a horrible & debilitating & completely out of one's control mental illness (or sign of mental illness), how, again?
... Women only? Or any man with 100+ sex partners also = mentally ill?
... Are women not allowed to do other things with their bodies by their own choice, also? Work? Drive? Use birth control? Wear pants? Tank tops / camisoles? Or do all of these things risk mental illness if a woman chooses to engage in them?

Fun with numbers
... But 99 partners, or 52, or 6, or 0 = no mental illness? It has to be 100?
... What about 2 partners a year? Anyone who sleeps with 2 men in a year also clearly insane? Or it has to be 2 a year for 50 years, and then we reach the insanity mark?
... 100 kisses? 100 hands held? 100 coy glances across a room? 100 body on body dancing? 100 snogs/make out sessions? 100 completely platonic first dates? What level of intimacy is needed to reach this so called mental illness? Is it just penises and/or vaginas that create it, or does light/heavy petting count, too? Why or why not? Flirtations? Is it anything sexual? Over 50-70 years??? What about sororities??? Kiss 100 freshmen challenges? Is every sorority sister mentally ill? Sailors? Well. Granted. To join the navy one pretty much has to be. So maybe not the best choice. (While I'm clearly being half glib, because this cracks me up, I've also lived in countries where sharing a cab with a man who is not your husband or blood relative has the same sluttish factor as intercourse does in the US, or holding hands does in parts of Asia. Not knowing where in the world you are, I'm also seriously asking. Penetration by penises, fingers, tongues? If it's oral it's moral? Skin on skin contact? Hands on clothes with or without orgasm? Sharing air? What are we talking, here? When do we count someone as a sexual partner?)
... How does one count twins? Different people, same DNA. Cripes. Or threesomes where 1 person doesn't participate? Do we count the voyeurs? OMFG. Mardis Gras. :eek: Carnivale :facepalm: Is it even possible to count the voyeurs???
... How about trafficking? The not-rape not-sexual-assault but-still-murky-as-far-as-consent-goes? Do we count those?
... And the pros? Do we count sex workers professional engagements? Or just their personal ones? Or both?

 

[Ijot]

Because clearly, an enjoyable and consensual act, rates right up there with PTSD & other forms of mental illness that people not only don't want but also struggle with and suffer though. Yep. Something someone chooses to do & enjoys is a horrible & debilitating & completely out of one's control mental illness (or sign of mental illness), how, again?

Healthy women don't enjoy sex with men they don't know. They might experiment with it a few times when they're young and dumb and then regret it later. (I believe bisexual and lesbian woman can enjoy sex with women they don't know, so this doesn't apply to them.)

I am a longtime feminist who used to subscribe to the idea that women were as sexual as men, and they would want it and enjoy it in the same manner if it weren't for shaming. While I still believe that shaming figures into women's choices to some degree, I simply don't believe that they want the same quantity or quality of no-strings sex as men do.

And yes, I'm talking about intercourse here.

What would I say about a man with 100+ sex partners? How did he pull it off? Everyone knows women don't want to have sex with men outside a relationship, so was he lying, scheming, drugging, coercing them? He may be a shady character, but he's not blatantly and self destructively acting against his interests in the way that women who give away sex are.

I know why some women have sex with men they're not dating, and they neither "enjoy" it or "consent" to it anymore than someone being mugged at gunpoint "enjoys" and "consents" to handing their wallet over. It is a desperate exchange for intimacy with a decent man, because they can't get past the yuck factor of the men who would have them for a relationship. A woman can go to bed with a man who is vastly out of her league if she will waive the conversation/flowers/wine/three dates with the promise of more that are prerequisites for women in his league. Of course they mask this sad reality with slogans about female "empowerment," "choice," "freedom," etc, when in fact their behavior stems from the opposite of those things. Looking back at the friends I've had who gave it up like that, it's very obvious to me now that this was their problem.

Women trade sex for monogamy; men trade monogamy for sex. Relationships are like skin. Looks nice from far away. Just don't put it under a microscope.

 

[Coja]

Healthy women don't enjoy sex with men they don't know.

What?? Many healthy women enjoy sex with men they dont know! There are MANY people on earth from products of those one night stands as well!