Sex as self harm?

[ultimatum]

Just a quick vent, because I'm wondering if anyone relates and because I've suffered from keeping this a secret to myself and myself alone.

On one hand, sex and sexual acts disgust me, but whenever I'm getting somewhere in my life, when things are going well and I should be happy, I just have that urge to destroy it with harmful sex.
The core belief that I'm shameful and disgusting comes from this and I know I need to stop this harmful cycle of repeating my abuse, but it's so hard to feel like I deserve anything better.

Every month or few months I just get sucked into these sexual benders to mess up my progress, and after I feel like a disgusting zombie; I was wondering if anyone has experienced this and has tips on how to stop? Or even, if any of you relate it would probably make me feel less alone in this.

I'm fairly new to trying to recover because I've been in denial of my trauma for so long, so anything would probably help.

 

[EveHarrington]

How do you get sucked in?

I’m guessing there is a period of time where you know things are going haywire before there is full on crazy sex.

I think you should figure out what the warning signs are and feelings/thoughts that you experience when this happens.

Do you have other coping skills you can use?

 

[ultimatum]

That's a good point, I should probably watch out for warning signs, because I haven't paid attention and honestly can't claim to know any.
As for other coping mechanisms, I haven't really found any yet. I have a few hobbies so I'm trying to maybe turn one or two of those into coping mechanisms? Idk

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I have gone down this path many times, engaging in the most extreme risky sex I can find with multiple partners (sometimes large numbers), hoping to catch something that would eventually kill me.

 

[Mach123]

I did this and didn't do this I just thought about it. (mostly) If I had a girlfriend or now that I've been married so long, I'm happy. I thought I wanted to be promiscuous, but I never actually did it. Every time I'd be getting close, I'd find someone and glom onto them and hide, thank goodness? I have a best friend who was unable to have sex for at least half of his adult life because of an STD. I know he kept sleeping with people for a time and he knew he had it and was 'careful' but, he told me finally he couldn't live with himself anymore, with the idea he might accidentally give it to another person. I'm SO glad I didn't have to live with anything like that.

 

[Swift]

Hey mate, sorry you're struggling with this. I did this too.
What hobbies do you have? I'm a muso, I like to learn new things, and a project other than getting laid has been really helpful in... not going out and shagging someone.

I guess I realised it was a self-punishment thing for me. I was doing well at stuff, I'm not allowed to do that because I don't deserve it, so I go and shag someone to punish myself. It scratched the itch of shame and self-blame for me, and was also a way I could take risks without risking all that much about my job or physical safety.
It's like I hit reset.

My other theory, for me, I dunno if this applies to you, but... trauma brains are so wired for anxiety and negative self-talk, and they're always on the lookout for non-existent threats. Creating a threat, using something else as the cause of your shitty feelings, helps calm your brain, because the awful stuff your brain feels, it can point at something and say "that's why."

The best I could do was something else adrenaline-filled and immersive. If you value your bones, don't take up skateboarding, but video games really help when I'm in the mood, and little else has workd for me.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I can relate to this, for me its a form of numbing, the more extreme the better I feel. One-on-one does nothing, it has to be continuous. I tend to throw caution to the wind, no protection, etc.

 

[Emotional girl]

I have only just started to remember CSA a few months ago and I have now got all these mixed feelings about sex now.
A big part of me never wants to be touched again and I never want to have sex again (which is a difficult to deal with as I am in a long term relationship)but there is this other part of that wants to go out and just have sex with a random man as I want to feel dirty and disgusting and I want to be punished.
I have found other ways to punish myself instead which isn't good either but at least it will not ruin my relationship.
I haven't got any advice but I am starting to learn that CSA can affect people in different ways and it is good that we can all share our experiences and learn from each other.
I hope you find something that helps you to move forward.