Sexual Assault Sex dreams about my rapist

[Ceridwyn]

Since I broke up with the man who physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me 8 years ago, I've periodically had dreams about him. Usually he is posing some sort of threat, and I'm trying to protect myself from him. They suck, and take time to recover from. I reassure myself that dreams aren't real. Recently, these dreams take on another dimension - I'm forced or coerced into having sex with him, and then I *enjoy* it. I wake up aroused and hating myself. I can tell myself dreams aren't real, but I can't as easily wipe away my own responses. In my rational brain, I know that hormones and dreams and trauma are all complex and fickle things, and that this is not an abnormal response, and that it doesn't mean I'm broken. In my emotional brain, I am having trouble moving past shame and disgust with myself. This is magnified today by the house being full of electricians (strangers who can see how broken I am), and my partner being distracted by that (focused on logistics so he just wants to fix what's wrong).

Has anyone experienced something similar? What are some strategies that have helped you get out of the shame spiral?

 

[minirini]

Yeah, I've had similar experiences. It's really weird because on one hand I would hate for the assaults to actually happen in real life, but on the other hand I get turned on by imagining them. I've run through the whole gamut of thinking, "I'm disgusting, I can't believe I think that, etc."

What helps is for me to remember that these sexual fantasies are my brain's way of trying to regain control over the situation. By imagining and being aroused from the memories of the assault, your brain is basically saying, "No, I'm not going to get hurt and this time I'm going to control this situation and I'm going to enjoy it instead of suffering."

It's pretty common for survivors of sexual assault to have fantasies about their assault. You're not alone.

 

[KerriJ]

I hate when this happens.
Happened during the abusive relationship, and still sometimes happens now a year and a half lately.

You have my sympathy, hun.

Meds aren't the answer/cure all but I take prazosin now and don't dream so I don't have to deal with those much (they are like once every 6 months)