Sexual Assault Sex life after abuse

[nolongerhis]

I find this extremely hard for me to write because its hard for me to even admit and I don't want to say I hate myself but I hate that this is my reality. I know some people may hate me but believe me, I struggle with it myself so so much...I was abused by my biological father from the time I was 13 till I was 17. He came into my life shorty before the abuse began. He was not the man that raised me, the man that tucked me in at night. I had a father, this was just a new man in my life that just so happened to share my blood. Beyond that, as I said I was 13... He was charming and extremely manipulative. Somehow he convinced my naive self that it was more normal that I would have thought for fathers and daughter to "be together" he showed me website where people talked about it and admitted to his feelings for me. He convinced me that having sex with me was normal and that it was because he loved me so much. I knew it was wrong but over the years in order to keep myself sane, I convinced myself that this was true. He taught me about sex. He took my first kiss and my virginity and I "let him" I let it feel good and I "let" my body respond to him. (It took me a long time, hell, I still struggle with it, to let myself off the hook. I felt like I was a freak because I enjoyed it. It wasn't rape because I participated. I wasn't assaulted in a back ally and forced to do things. Nobody hit me and made me do it so how can I say I was raped or that I was any kind of victim. But then I think of all the times he held a gun to his head and said he would kill himself if I walked away and I think what choice did I have) Eventually my true father and my mom found out about everything, he went to jail then killed himself.
I am now 22 years old planning my wedding with a man I truly love and who treats me like a princess. I could not be more lucky or thankful. However, here is where I am going with this....
Sometimes the only thing that gets me "going" is fantasies about taboo/incest relationships. At times, its the only thing my body responds to. I hate it and I hate myself for even going there. I try to reason with myself and tell myself that maybe its normal. I was in a way, brain washed during a phase in my life where sexuality and discovering your body and your desires and all of that is so important and all that development is taking place so maybe it makes sense?
I have no idea how to tell me partner about this or even if I should.
I am wondering through if anybody else has experienced anything like this or am I a total freak or horrible person?

 

[EveHarrington]

I'd hesitate telling your partner right now. You could tell him the very basics perhaps, that your bio dad raped you and you have ongoing issues because of it, but I'd hold back on telling him that you only get off on sex if you think about incest/rape. This kind of thing could cause intimacy issues between the two of you, especially if he cannot handle knowing this info.

 

[Deadman]

It wasn't rape because I participated.

Children cannot consent.

 

[Kintsugi]

I agree. I often need to resort to incest fantasies for a similar reason (incest abuse victim too--my brother), but I personally would never share that with a partner.

This has often been discussed here on the forum. You may want to try using the search function to find others struggling with this topic.

Congratulations on your wedding!

ETA: we don't use trigger warnings here, so don't worry about it. :)

 

[liz81934]

Well first of all congratulations on the wedding. And experienced incest--- my uncle at a young age. I actually have the same problem as you only he has been my only sexual relationship because no one else gets me aroused. I understand the guilt because the person is not a stranger and they made it seem like it was out of love. I have told attempted partners about the brainwashing and they support me especially with what has happened.

He will not think you are weird because what happened to you you cannot change and was done in a manipulative nature. I have always been insecure about it but a strong guy in my life helped me through it and made me realize I was brave for telling him and for still having a smile on my face. It is something to work through so I would tell him bits at a time and what you are comfortable with.

Best of luck and Thank you