Childhood Sexual Abuse As An Adolescent

[Suzetig]

I've been in therapy since January, initially for workplace issues and more recently looking at childhood physical abuse and sexual "stuff". I say stuff because I'm working on feelings around a relationship with a 36 year old man that started when I was 15, he started coming on to me in my place of work just after I turned 15, we had a relationship of sorts for the next 4 years, ending when I was 19. While the relationship was in the main consensual, I know he played on me having very poor, abusive family relationships to pick me up and when I was in a relationship with him he was controlling, using very grooming behaviour to keep me involved.

I've stared unpicking this in therapy, and realised this person must have known me as a much younger child - he was a neighbour of my mums best friend and we were around there a lot when I was in junior school. That realisation, and the knowledge that he would have known I was "that child" have made me feel quite sick - like he waited til I was old enough to start seeing me. In terms of sexual stuff, I know that he must have hurt me at times in particular ways but can't remember feeling physically hurt. In saying that, I was very dissociative at that age so it's entirely possible I've blanked that out. The thing is, I've always framed this as being a consensual relationship, where I agreed to see him and agreed to sex but I'm starting now to think I've been groomed into something that was really quite abusive and I'm struggling to think of it/myself in that way. In some sense it would be much more easy to think of myself as being a bit promiscuous than to identify as having been abused by him.

There is sexual abuse in my past which definately clouds my judgement on such things, at the moment I feel really emotional but also feel I'm making something out of nothing.

 

[darrenS]

That sounds quite scary - it certainly changes the parameters of what you used to think in a big way. I hope you get support and have some good friends to support you whilst you work through this

 

[RussH]

a 36 year old male convincing a 15 year old girl to have sex is abuse, and, at least in the states, is considered rape.

 

[Suzetig]

It is scary, I don't even know how I feel about it - it feels a bit late to be upset about it now, and yet I feel like I could cry for a month. I do have a very supportive partner and very good friends but I feel too ashamed to talk about this with them. I may need to get over that though.

 

[RussH]

As you become more aware of what he did to you, and realize how wrong it was of him, getting upset is a natural reaction, so no it is not a bit late to get upset about it.

I would talk to your therapist about this.

 

[Leigh925]

One of the things I have done is taken a look back at photos of myself at the age of my traumas and it was quite shocking to see how young I was. It helped me put things into perspective.

Another thing I did was to look at pictures of my children at those ages....no way I would hold the judgement against them that I do myself and no way I would have the kind of dismissive attitude towards anyone who would take advantage of them that I have sometimes had towards those who manipulated me for their own gain.

A 15 year old can't legally drive on their own here....much less have the maturity to give consent in that situation! He was the adult...he had the position of power...he is the sole responsible party.

 

[Amalia]

It is traumatic and so upsetting. Be kind to yourself, firstly. I think you know what it was ie the dynamic of your relationship was and its scary as hell. Talk to your T, you will know when and how to tell whomever you feel should know when you are ready. It sounds as though you have an amazing world of love. Be proud of you for having created that for yourself, breathe, give yourself time to work through this. Hope any of this helps :)

 

[Suzetig]

I've been talking to my therapist and she's been working with me to recognise his role in what happened and to apportion responsibility for that where it belongs - I will talk to her about how distressed I've been this week and I know she'll be able to help me with that. Yes, I do have very loving people around me and will think about who I want to tell and when - if at all really.

It's very hard to get my head around but I also know I need to deal with it in some shape or form, thanks for your support with it.

 

[ghotiff]

When I was 10ish, and my abuser was 25ish, I thought we were in love. The manipulation that goes into creating that perception in a child is very damaging and the confusion around the relationship when you learn it is not appropriate is significant.

While I was younger, the feelings and manipulation are likely similar and I feel for you as you travel through this journey of understanding.

 

[Kintsugi]

I can empathize immensely with the confusion you are feeling. I was in an abusive relationship between the ages of 13 and 15.

Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't an abusive relationship. I could not give consent, and he was several years older than I, but the relationship itself was something I feel I brought upon myself and allowed to happen and continue.

I too try to look around me for kids who are the age I was, and I think how insane it is that at the age he was he would go after such a young girl. And he was a *lot* younger than the man who abused you.

Your feelings catching up to you after learning that disturbing fact is also something with which I empathize. I was not abused by this person, but I found out when I was fifteen that a young man who used to babysit me and stayed frequently at my house when I was very young (perhaps ages 5 through 9 or so) was a pedophile and thought he was in love with me. I learned that his disappearance from my life was because he had attempted suicide due to his attraction to me. I'd always known something was not quite right or off about my relationship with him, young as I was, but this just overwhelmed me. I still haven't really addressed those feelings, but they are there, and they are no less real because this all occurred in the past and I learned of it later.

 

[Seagreen]

Firstly congratulations on talking about this with your therapist. Its not surprising that it has stirred up some unpleasant emotions. Pandora's box has been opened and now there will be a process of untangling the web of false perceptions and coming to terms with your feelings. Its not an easy thing to face but it will get easier if you work at it and you will grow as a person in the process.

No matter what happened you are not to blame! You were only 15. There is no possibly way that you could have had the emotional or mental maturity to see through his manipulation (I'm sorry if that words make you feel uncomfortable, I couldn't find a better one). Now that you are able to see things from an adult point of view, can you imagine if the roles were reversed and it was you pursuing a relationship of this nature with an adolescent?

Wishing you lots of love and care for your journey. Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

[Seagreen]

Also, any feeling you have no matter how "late" is valid,