Childhood Sexual Abuse As An Adolescent

[Suzetig]

Thanks everyone, I am trying to think of my 14 year old self and what I needed at that time, how young i was physically and emotionally. There were issues that left me looking for love and safety in this guy and I know he took advantage of that. I don't mind manipulation because I'm coming to see that's exactly what happened, as much as I hate to think about it. I'm just left with this really sick feeling this morning, I can't think about what he did without feeling sick and don't seem able to stop thinking about it either. I have such mixed feelings about him, me, what happened between us, other people's reaction to that...

I have good friends coming for the weekend so hopefully will be able to let it rest for a while.

 

[Suzetig]

Sometimes I think maybe it wasn't an abusive relationship. I could not give consent, and he was several years older than I, but the relationship itself was something I feel I brought upon myself and allowed to happen and continue..

This is exactly what I'm struggling with. I didn't say no, in fact I wanted the relationship with him - I enjoyed being with him and wanted to have sex with him. I was devastated when it ended - how the hell is that possible when I now feel so betrayed by him and by myself for wanting it to happen. How could I have stayed in something so damaging for so long and not even realise ow damaging it was to me.

 

[anonymous]

I was devastated when it ended - how the hell is that possible when I now feel so betrayed by him and by myself for wanting it to happen.

I think it's important to remember that the perspectives we are able to have now as adults weren't available to us at the time. We hadn't the experience or understanding then to form the opinions we might now. My T is quite big on me trying to remember this. That decisions I made at different times were based on the knowledge and experience that I had at that time, not what I know or feel now.

I've been hesitating to reply to this one, because I'm coming at it from a different angle and I'm not sure if it will be helpful or not.
When I was seven, my parents divorced over my father having a 'relationship' with a fourteen year old girl. He was 34. It too was supposedly consensual, and that was very much how it was portrayed to us. He moved her in with him when she turned sixteen and she lived with him until she was about nineteen/twenty.
There is evidence to suggest that he was grooming her for a number of years prior to this. She, and her family, were well known to us while she was younger too.

I guess what I want to say is, that I'm pretty sure at the time she felt she had a choice in things. That it was a relationship that she wanted to be in. I had very little understanding of it at the time, but from my adult perspective, I am so very sorry for her and that it happened to her. There are times I have wished I could see her one more time and tell her that. I hope she went on to have a better life and that she doesn't have her own world of trauma hell to deal with as a result. I have no doubts at all about where the blame should lie. He was wrong. Very wrong.

Teenagers are still children. There is a reason the law is the way it is. They do not have the skills and experience to safely make those sorts of decisions. The feelings you have about it all now are entirely valid and justified in my opinion.

 

[Anarchy]

Teenagers are still children. There is a reason the law is the way it is. They do not have the skills and experience to safely make those sorts of decisions. The feelings you have about it all now are entirely valid and justified in my opinion.

The law is very much an arbritary line in the sand, without getting into too much of a sorites paradox, were you so different a person five minutes before the birthday which took you over that line than you were five minutes after?

and were your classmates all of equal emotional maturity when they crossed the magical line?

Those laws are possibly based on where a society customarily judged that women were ready for marriage at the time when the law was enacted - and they vary widely in age over quite short geographical distances, even in Europe (between 13 years (Spain) and I forget whether it is 18 years or 21 years in Malta). Over approximately half of Europe, including Germany, the age of consent is 14 years.

The much publicised case from a couple of years back, of a school teacher from a church school eloping to France with his 15 year old pupil is interesting from the legal precedent which it demonstrates - they were guilty of no crime in France (where the age of consent is 15) incidentally, I think the young woman was worth more than ten of him...

Would the British state be equally obliging to, for example Saudi authorities, regarding the arrest and deportation of a woman who they claimed ownership of, being seen out in London with a male who was not her husband or brother (classified as adultery under saudi law and punishable by death...)?

I'm not going to completely rule out the possibility of consensual and non abusive relationship with a big age gap - but I'm not hopeful of finding one either.

I think that within reasonable bounds (I'm certainly not going to condone a 52 year old male having sex with a 9 year old girl, even though over 1 billion of the Earth's population see no problem with that), that it is the the behaviours within a relationship which are far more subject to questioning than an arbritary age, and let's not forget that we can feel conned and abused at any age.

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not going to completely rule out the possibility of consensual and non abusive relationship with a big age gap - but I'm not hopeful of finding one either.

For me it's not about the big age gap in and of itself, it's the capacity to consent and honestly know what your were consenting to. 26 and 46 is still a big age gap but maturity and understanding are different than for an 16 and 36 year o,d though the age gap is still the same. I've really struggled with this because I don't want to think of my relationship being abusive, but it was.

@anonymous, thank you for sharing, your post made a lot of sense to me and I greatly appreciated it.

 

[Suzetig]

So, I'm preparing for my therapy session tomorrow and know we'll be talking about this - when I'm thinking about it I feel physically sick - which I guess is understandable, but I also get feelings of arousal, which is freaking me out. I end up with this mixture of feelings which make me want to peel my own skin off... I feel so ashamed, I have no idea how to talk about how that feels.

 

[ghotiff]

I also get feelings of arousal, which is freaking me out.

There are a few recent anonymous threads on this topic of feeling aroused when thinking about abuse. If you haven't seen them, reading them might help you normalize that response.

Good luck.

 

[Lucycat]

@Suzetig how did your therapy session go? Has it helped put things into perspective? I appreciate this is only the beginning of your current journey, tackling this particular aspect , but I hope it was a positive experience.

 

[Amalia]

Hi Suzetig.... I get the same - it`s like you want to peel your skin off, bleach and yourself and then put it back on again all lovely and clean afterwards.
I know... *sigh. I know. You`re not alone.
I`m trying not to fight it and just manage my feelings so I can go on coping with day to day life. I

 

[Amalia]

Sorry, technophobe(!). I`m lucky in that I have been .... traumatised for so long, nothing is too overwhelming for me. I`ve coped and handled it all. But I had to do it alone and you don`t have to. Please don`t. Reaching out is also helping you form healthy connections and better foundations for the future. Really. All the best.

 

[Suzetig]

It went really well @Lucycat, my therapist is a superstar - very attuned to me. In session she picked up that I was uncomfortable as we were talking and brought it up herself in a "sometimes talking about it can bring back body memories and physical reactions..." kind of way. It really helped me explain a little of what I've been feeling - there's more to talk about but she has a fantastic way of letting me know its ok to "go there" without opening up stuff I'm not ready for, or rushing me. What I'm finding helpful is just not fighting it, not ascribing any meaning to it (ie did it mean I wanted it, liked it etc) and just being accepting that those feelings are all part of the process. A really horrible part, but part nonetheless.

@Amalia, thanks for your support, as much as I hate what I'm dealing with just now, I also know I need to do it - not trying to do it alone is a good thing.

 

[Amalia]

Not just good, soul-saving.