Sufferer Sexual Abuse By My Teacher.

[emily95]

My name is Emily. I am 18.

Three days ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

When I was twelve I was sexually abused by my teacher. Before that and continuing after, I went through severe bullying. It completely shook my world. Slowly my deterioration increased. I never told anyone. I started becoming severely depressed to the point that I didn't go out at all. I started self harming and it got real bad I was self harming something like 60 times a day. I basically tortured myself everyday, through a stream of horrific methods. It wasn't just cutting.

My family is Jewish and therefore this posed problems in telling anyone, as no one would believe me especially considering who it was, the chief rabbi of the town. About a year an a half ago I tried to kill myself for the first time. And they diagnosed me with depression and put me on antidepressants and anti-psychotics. Within the next few months I tried to kill myself three more times. And still I hadn't told anyone what happened to me.

Then I was taken by social services and put in residential care. I stayed there for about a year. I went back home about four months ago. Last summer I disclosed to my carers for the first time thy I had been sexually abused. My family didn't believe me. It was the most awful feeling ever. The police got involved and the investigation began. It came out that there were a few other people that this man had also abused. But none of them came forward because they didn't the Jewish community to look bad. They turned against my family and we became completely isolated. I was even receiving threats to drop the charges.

After a three month investigation they closed the case saying there wasn't enough evidence. It broke me. I had finally opened up and nothing had been done about it. During my time in care my confusion with my sexuality came out. To be honest I'm not sure if I'm gay or straight, though I think I might be bisexual. I have only ever been in one relationship and it lasted for two weeks. I don't know what really went wrong there.

Now I'm back at home. I don't follow my religion, not surprisingly. But I'm getting treated like shit by my siblings. I'm getting emotionally abused. I feel so alone, it's horrible.

My biggest problem is that right now suicidal thoughts are creeping back in and I'm scared what I might do. When I told my parents that I had been diagnosed with PTSD they laughed at me.

I need help.

I need someone I can try to relate to.

​

 

[Powder]

Welcome to the forum, Emily.

I can relate to some of what you shared. You are so brave and should be proud of yourself for standing up for you, even when nobody else will back you. Do you know how brave that is?

Are you in counseling with a therapist who you chose and not someone your parents chose?

I have gone through similar, but it was actually my own Dad, and even though he abused my sister and emotionally/physically abused my mom, they won't "back" me either. People are cowards by nature. They hide underneath the powerful, abusive types like my Dad and your Rabbi. They are afraid to stand up for themselves. You are not.

Often, there is one person in a family who didn't get the "coward" gene. And, sadly, we are like the designated driver in life. Everyone else is drunk with power or sucking up to the powerful. You will be able to find good support here. But also, I've found you really need just one person who loves and listens, for free, in life. Do you have that person? We all need that.

And the more of them, and even the paid one, the therapist, is even better. :)

About your case, if there were others, then that is enough evidence. They likely dropped the case due to corruption. Maybe you need to get your own lawyer. Some do Pro Bono work for this, (free, and they only get paid if you do).

Don't give up. Educate yourself; free yourself from the abuse of not being validated.

The truth: your family has hurt you more than any attacker ever could. PSTD often comes from trauma that is not validated, when you are suffering alone, in silence. Breaking that silence is the first step out of the self-imposed prison and into your own light and life. You are strong and brave for one so young. Maybe you frighten people. But get into therapy and find healthy ways to manage your stress.

(((HUGS EMILY)))

Muse

 

[Rumors]

EMILY!!! I am really sorry and I believe you! The people who should protect you have not done so. That is a shame but you cannot let their inability to see the truth for fear stop you from healing. It isn't easy but you are obviously very smart and strong.

Sending you strength, Emily. Hang in there! Just know the forum is a good place for support, but please find a councillor to speak with.

 

[Springer80]

Hi Emily,

You are strong and courageous and striving just to be allowed who you are. You are not alone in this, very many people here can and will support you. The love you wish you had off those around you, how much you feel it's loss is how much capacity for love you have. That makes you a good person, a beautiful person. Those around you who deny you should be ashamed of themselves and when you are able you will live your own life and they will still be living a lie.

Take care of yourself sweetheart, you are very young still and need to be looked after. We all need to be looked after but especially when we are young and especially when you've been through so much. It is not your fault. So please try and not harm yourself but if you have to be careful and don't feel guilty. Some day you you will be loved how you deserve and you will find people who can stand up for the truth.

Sleep well and rest your weary head. :hug:

 

[ashton13]

Hi Emily,

I can relate to a bit of your situation myself. My brother raped me when I was seven and my mother either knew or suspected so she told me to never speak or think about it. The years of isolation that I went through were difficult as a child. I just wanted my parents to love me and be proud of me.

The hardest thing to accept for me has been their reactions. They are in denial. It's easier for them to believe I'm just making stuff up than it would be to accept the truth.

They don't hate you. They're angry and their beliefs don't allow them to be angry with the responsible party. It's frustrating and it doesn't make any sense. You can only control your reactions.

Take care of yourself and you'll get through it. Any person who lives has the chance to thrive. I'm sending you love and hugs.

Ashton

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Emily, I am very proud of you for coming forward. Many people hide it all away but you are brave enough to speak out.

I echo Muse's sentiment that its important to find supportive people. You've already started by joining the forum and posting.

I think that a lot of sufferers feel defeated when they report the abuse and nothing happens. I reported my abuse knowing that nothing would come of it in terms of an investigation or charges filed, and I was ok with that. I was able to find freedom in simply speaking the truth. And, once I reported it, the thought of the person who abused me...well, lets just say that it rarely crosses my mind anymore. I made a decision to work on my own healing. It's not about her, it's about me now. She doesn't deserve a second of my time. I am satisfied knowing I did everything I could. It is on record that I accused her of molesting me. If anyone else comes forward, then they'll know they're not alone.

You can choose to fight it legally if you wish. I am not trying to silence you, rather caution you that these sorts of battles can take a lot out of you and be more damaging than helpful. Everyone is different, of course.

 

[nimkekaa]

I'm so glad you found this forum. There is lots of information and support here.

You deserve to be believed. You deserve to feel safe. I'm sorry that your family can't give that to you. I, also, wonder if you have a therapist. Your statement below worries me.

My biggest problem is that right now suicidal thoughts are creeping back in and I'm scared what I might do.

There is a section on this forum about Depression & Suicidal Ideation. Check it out as there is lots of ideas there on how to deal with those thoughts and feelings but it doesn't replace a therapist.

Take care of yourself and Welcome to the forum!

 

[Loner]

When something horrible happens to you, thats horrible, but its made much worse when people who should support you instead invalidate your feelings.

I am sorry you had to go through this.

I suggest not worrying too much about whether youre bi gay straight or indifferent. You'll figure that out eventually. The important thing now is to heal from the hurt you have suffered and to create a good life for yourself.

Suicide can be tempting, but life is too short already and there is a lot of beauty waiting for you before you go, I know it.

 

[Jlso111187]

Hi Emily and welcome to the group. I know with the treatment your getting it may not seem like it but you did the right thing by speaking out against your abuser. Yes nothing was done about it legally but the best way to heal is to let it out and not keep it bottled up. Take things one day at a time and I know many of us can relate to rape and not being believed. Hope you like it here.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Emily,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

You are incredibly brave to speak out and I am sorry that you have not received the support you deserve. There is a sister forum, MySexAbuse.com, that you may find helpful. The link can be found at the bottom of this page.

I also hope that you find the information and support here beneficial as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie