Sexual Self Harm

[Fukori]

Becareful about giving in to numbing out. It biochemically increases the chances you will later be flooded with emotions, which will drive you to want to numb out more, which means all the pain will flood back even stronger.

Instead, try talking with your therapist about ways to contain the feelings, even if you have to refer to them as "the feelings" or the "emotional pain" you are in, because revealing details is too hard.

it is a very common problem, even though it is not as talked about as other forms of self harm. From the therapist standpoint, there is nothing for her to feel disgusted about.

You are trying to cope with tremendous pain. That's not disgusting. You are using a very damaging an unhealthy way of trying to cope with that pain. It's not good to hurt yourself in any way at all, but it's not disgusting what you are doing. It's not something that makes you worthy of shame. It's a sign that you are really maxed out and overwhelmed.

Many things that help other forms of self injury on other parts of the body help with this too. It can help someone ride out the feeling of the numbness wearing off and all the emotions surfacing. That's a really common problem. It's why someone who is trying to numb out the pain of alcohol often finds that becoming sober and feeling everything they were running from, that drives them back to the alcohol.

 

[Vojaz]

Thank you Fukori (from OP). It's confusing and feels a little hard to just stop, but I'm trying to do other things to either work out some of the feelings or at least distract myself so I don't hurt myself too much. I also need to work out some anger.

 

[Ifag]

Just to continue on from my previous response (urej). I also know what you mean about doing it even when not sexually aroused. It's one of the things I find most disturbing about my own behaviour. I force myself to do it even when I don't feel like it. Often at times of stress or when I'm angry with myself. For that short period of time I am in control of something and it totally distracts me from all other intrusive thoughts. It gives me total mind and body control just for that brief time. Then several hours later I feel very down and disgusted with myself. It's a sad state of affairs but it's our way of coping with something monstrous that was done to us, so we have to try and be kind to ourselves, and not beat ourselves up over it. Best wishes.

 

[Dubidu]

Thank you Ifag (from OP). I'm trying not to beat myself up. But I also need to find a good distraction from this, but one that also addresses the need for control. I'm avoiding making myself really injured or bleeding, but afraid I have to scale this way back soon so I don't end up with gynecological issues...and too humiliated to go to my doctor (nearly impossible to tell a trauma therapist...am sure I would not be able to share with my doctor).

I haven't been sober long so hope as my sobriety gets stronger I can also move through this....and even if not stopping, not resorting to it so often or finding myself drawn to intensifying things like pain sensations...or so much simulating what was either done to me or what I did to myself when really young (can't share details with therapist or even here but am trying to acknowledge some parts to myself...that's enough). It's really confusing and probably, like you say, the control and distraction narrows the field of thoughts/feelings some, and yet it easily makes other feelings worse or even more confusing.

 

[Movu]

First of all, I'm extremely relieved I'm not the only one! I'm been sexually harming since I was 3. I was taught to do so by my abuser. I still struggle with it and get the same relieve as with cutting. As sense of control, relief and calm. When I treat it with the understanding that I'm struggling and trying to self sooth I have more patience with myself. I usually try other methods of self soothing. Granted some days are easier than others!

 

[Jutum]

I'm glad you can draw some comfort from knowing you are not alone in this. I have tried to research the topic a bit but there seems to be no research or studies. Perhaps because we victims are too ashamed to reveal what we do to ourselves. The closest thing I can find that describes my own behaviours is sexual masochism, but there isn't much written on what might cause this behaviour. It's not a definition I'm comfortable with.

Recently I caused significant harm to myself whilst acting out an abusive sexual fantasy. It was only when I noticed blood that I realised how much damage I was doing. I have very little feeling in my genital area due to lots of surgery, so it's quite easy for me to do harm and not feel it. I have felt particularly low since, I feel I let myself down.

 

[Sima]

@Jutum
I understand the shame and guilt that accompanies this kind of self harm It seems to hurt all the way to the very core and reiterates those evil words spoken to us that have become our inner voice. Please remember it's not really you. It's "them" and "their voice". Please remember to follow these dark moments with kindness, attention to injury, and self love. Treat yourself as if you were someone else (me for example) who was suffering this way. Hugs to you!

 

[Todam]

thanks everyone for posting (from OP)... I have been doing a little better with this all lately. Some distractions, other safety things. I harm with less harmful things (like no bleeding lately). It is totally horrible to talk about. Worst when it seems like I'm re-creating some abuse and liking it.

 

[Simove]

@todam I'm so pleased you've been doing a bit better, you are doing so well. I understand how difficult it is to talk about this, I feel shame and humiliation even when discussing it anonymously like this. But I think talking can help, especially with others who struggle with the same or similar behaviours. I hope that by talking about it, the stigma and shame I feel may lessen, and in time I will be able to put the behaviour in it's proper context, that is (I think) a coping response in reaction to abuse and trauma. I haven't had the self control as yet to stop doing this for long enough to know how I feel without it. I don't know what 'long enough' is, but I'd be pleased to abstain for a week and see how I feel. If I felt even slightly better about myself, that would be a powerful motivation to try and stop for longer. I'm sure the journey will have it's ups and downs, but you've taken some positive steps, which is fantastic.

 

[Oho]

thank you Simove (from OP).