Sexualizing people i trust sabotages the relationship

[Rose White]

My infant self was sexualized so the root of my sexuality is in my infancy. My infant self feels like a sexually desirous being. My adult self is disturbed by the infant's sexuality. I wish my sexuality rested in my woman self and not my infant self. Whenever I feel reliant on someone or like I can trust them I sexualize them--intrusive sexual thoughts that then cause me to feel different when I interact with them. Do I just ignore the thoughts? I feel frustrated with my infant self, but maybe if I take care of it in other ways, good eating, sleeping, safe care, then it will stop focusing on the sexualization so much. All my inner children feel sexually desirous. Do I ignore all of them? What age is my sexuality? Do I just choose? Is it my current age? I want to deny sexuality to my inner children but they all say that they are special which is why they are sexual, not like other children. That feels like a corrupted core belief. Or am I to accept that children are naturally sexual? Then that excuses my dad's behavior--he didn't know better. Even if you don't know better you can still hurt people though.

 

[EveHarrington]

Does your sexuality need an age? I mean a specific age. Can't it be a kaleidoscope of traits from various ages?

I'm hesitant to put an age on my sexuality.

I'm in my 30's and yet when I'm sexual, I definitely can feel aspects of my inner child coming through. She's the mischievous, playful side of me. And when I'm sexual, I'm definitely mischievous and playful, so aspects of her are coming through.......but for me it would be an overreach to say that my inner child is sexual. Do you see what I mean?

 

[Rose White]

I do see what you mean. Maybe it will be aspects of all my selves? I think I realized that I have to be patient with the sexuality. Once I recognized the abuse my sexuality turned off because I realized how mine was twisted from the effects of the csa. It's been three weeks since my realization and I'm feeling impatient. However I read an article last night about the long term effects of csa and it said that before working on sexuality it is appropriate to first develop assertiveness and self-awareness, which will improve the success of sexual recovery once that begins. Right now I'm supposed to focus on three accomplishments every day, which is very challenging, so maybe I'm just not ready to work on the sexual problems yet.

 

[The Albatross]

It is good that you have awareness, but you can have the awareness and still do your 3 accomplishments every day.

Agree with you when you say, "...my inner children but they all say that they are special which is why they are sexual, not like other children. That feels like a corrupted core belief."

 

[Rose White]

Maybe at this point the awareness is enough to hold onto while I focus on the accomplishments.

 

[The Albatross]

If ya want to you could do some journaling on why or what the littles have to say about "they are special".
Something I think to keep in mind is that adult/wise mind is likely more astute no matter how many/or what the clamor the children have.

Dissect the special aspect and you may have more to go on while you go about your goal/challenge of 3 accomplishments a day, k?

 

[Rose White]

I see what you mean, it feels daunting, but worth it. Interviewing each child and calling out their strengths and accomplishments. The sexual aspect is smeared over all of it right now and I need to comb through and clean it out. That feels protective and good. The sexuality won't go away, it will hopefully be consolidated elsewhere. Again, the focus has to be on the children right now. My inner guardians are sighing tiredly at the willfulness of the children. Journal, draw, move, breathe.

 

[EveHarrington]

Are you DID?

If so, maybe just ignore what I said.

 

[Rose White]

Through movement and breathing I figured out that the sexualizing stops by age 4 and then switches to physical punishment. Emotional/psychological trauma is happening throughout but is the most difficult to grasp. The anger comes up at his change in attitude toward my body around age 4. But I have to tell my self that none of it was ever love, not the sexualizing or the physical punishment or the manipulating, so the young inner children don't need to beg for that because that's not for them, that's not what they need. Now I have to switch gears to figure out the effects of the physical abuse from age 4 up as well.

 

[Rose White]

I am not diagnosed DID. I am trying to recover from realizing the effects of my dad's poor choices. I found a website called Breaking the Cycle by Peter K. Gerlach which teaches about getting in touch with the parts of yourself that are wounded and re-integrating them into your present self.

 

[EveHarrington]

I just didn't understand the concept of having more than one inner child.

Afaik I know of only one inner child in me.