Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Deleted member 12723]

I think it takes so very long to deprogram from the cult brainwashing, while I was beginning to distance myself I felt their words burn into me and that finally went away.

I am sorry that your mom died while you were on the way to see her.

It took me ten years to finally be comfortable with my choice to disconnect. You have a lot to grieve and I believe that you are innocent in everything that occured.

I think that you are very brave to get out now. I understand the conflicted feelings and thoughts. I think that you are doing the best you can right now.:hug:

 

[Ironlady]

I think it takes so very long to deprogram from the cult brainwashing, while I was beginning to distance...

Thank you so much @gizmo yes it's a bit like untangling a massive web. Thank you lovely one for your support and caring words. <3

 

[Deleted member 12723]

:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

Can you take another look at your posts 78 and 82? It is your map I think.

 

[The Albatross]

Just an after thought... I think I would most probably reassess my thoughts about my spouse. Stand alone, as a human being - without all the other stuff and how it came about - who is your spouse? Is he a well intentioned, good willed (for you and your children) man? In our own counseling and mediations we both had to assess that for ourselves and come together to choose to commit again - this time not for self preservation or necessity or dysfunctional reasons... but as a matter of personal introspective directed choice. Perhaps that is something worthwhile for you and he as well considering, your spouse.... like my own endeavored to love and care and support as a "white knight" schema?

When I was able to do that, I began to see at first, then accept, then crack the lid on trust because I began to view my spouse more as a gift to my own life than part of the dysfunction. Just something to consider perhaps? Not sure I expressed this well but feedback welcome.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, I have found "grieving" to be rather over rated. I trend more toward problem solving and though others will surely disagree I think that it had a really big role in arresting my depressive cycling so, tread with caution?

 

[Ironlady]

Can you take another look at your posts 78 and 82? It is your map I think.

I actually have been. I keep going back. When I'm not in the throws I can see it just trying to learn how to apply it when I'm in the thick of it. That's been very hard to do right now. Hopefully it won't always be that way.

 

[The Albatross]

Iron Lady, when the pain of staying the same, and the fear of taking responsibility for the choices to act or at times accept situations in our life go out of balance... the way is not retreating into depressive cycling but rather to assess and reassess and initiate change with your "map".

There was a longish lapse in your posting and no doubt a lot of day to day living and stressors were there. When you become lost, go to your map find where you are on it, and do your self examination and assessments. Write them out, discuss them with your shrink or peers... pick any direction and get moving to actualize change?

 

[The Albatross]

Heh, we cross posted. See if I answered how, and I am off today so have time to dialogue with you if you want to?

 

[Ironlady]

Just an after thought... I think I would most probably reassess my thoughts about my spouse. Stan...

Excellent advice.. I think my problem with my spouse has very little to do with him personally. It has more to do with what i project on to him and my own limitations for trusting and loving. I have a very warped filter of what it is to love a person and lay boundaries and I know before I make any decisions one way or the other I have to understand what that means and how to apply it. I know leaving isn't the answer and that I will only repeat the pattern with someone else if I don't figure this out. But I also know my feelings were never very strong for him and being forced to marry has really made it hard to get to a place I was never in
In the first place. I realize too that the marriage we had before has died or needs to before we can move forward anew. A letting go of sorts. Thanks for giving me something to think about.

 

[The Albatross]

In the throes while difficult, it is possible to choose to endeavor to learn rather than withdraw into depression. Can you reframe it to open yourself to the possibility that there are things that can be learned and that you can manage times even during depressive cycling yet? When I could do that... it became more about learning skill sets and management techniques - education to catch myself up on all the things that were never modeled or were messed up in child and young womanhood. Calling it "education" or even "self parenting" took the sting out of it, ya know?

 

[The Albatross]

The only reason the spousal assessment came up was because you were "forced" by your own words to marry. Conversely, you are not "forced" however to stay, That's why I offered the idea of what we had to do, which was both partners doing our own assessment and making a relational choice.

Our choice, independently was to recommit to the marriage and bond.