Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Ironlady]

Surely did not intend to emotionally flood you... just offering the perspective that was more benef...

It's ok. You are in a way but I was having trouble all morning. I was in the throes of it before you responded. You are helping.

 

[The Albatross]

Being reared to be a doormat... relate, yet to actualize the relationships we (PTSD/trauma survivors need)... well that starts with recovery and then takes a lot of learning and practice to bring us into right/safer/more mutually beneficial relationship with the people we love and who love us.

 

[The Albatross]

All I know is I brought a lot of baggage into my marriage. So did he. But (big BUT)... I had to be willing to model the change I wanted in my marital relationship... to keep it, rather than come from a place of unfulfilled needs/wants/desires. Makes sense? Be the change.

 

[The Albatross]

Rather than coming from a place of unrequited need/want/desire... what would taking action to actualize these look like?

 

[The Albatross]

Pardon me, duty calls.. be back in a few minutes.

 

[Ironlady]

My mentors were weapons grade, but I needed that... to see my way clear to a more beneficial way of...

The connecting is what I've been trying to Have. It doesn't seem to be what he wants or its he himself just not knowing how to. Ive tried suggesting couples therapy to help open our communication line. I have not been able to get him to commit.

 

[The Albatross]

Back. Do not confuse short term initiation of change with what you observe... this is your change of the dynamic. It takes time and consistency to do the change? It is not surprising that when we change we get discouraged when we do not immediately get reinforcement or positive feedback.

This partner has lived with you as you are for a long time... loved and accepted you... as you recover the recalibration of your partnership and the dynamic changes... it is inevitable.

 

[Ironlady]

Rather than coming from a place of unrequited need/want/desire... what would taking action to actua...

I am struggling visualizing action.......

To sit him down and talk. I would just like to sit across from each other and be brutally honest and trust each other enough to allow this thing to fall apart. Then we can discuss if we want to put it back together. If we do then what parts would we like to repair and what parts do we want to let go of. What parts are we willing to support and where we would like to set healthy boundaries with each other.

 

[The Albatross]

You have been very gracious with your time and openness this morning... don't want to over tax you. Just giving you some feedback.

Recognize what you brought into the partnership and how/where you have changed.

Recognize what your partner accepted and where you are now and how that may alter his own psyche... what changes for him?

Recognize what is hardwiring and knee jerk reactivity... that pesky blend of issues that do not belong in the relationship in question and the ones that do.

Not sure that you really identified beyond being out of fawn where you are right now... but examine how/if the change is congruent with a well intentioned person/someone who loves you or if this is out of balance. (I tipped the scales out of balance myself more than a few times.)


????

 

[Ironlady]

Back. Do not confuse short term initiation of change with what you observe... this is your change...

That makes a lot of sense..

 

[The Albatross]

Not sure your age... but really it all boils down to two things... act or accept. You are clearly wanting out of your hardwiring... so that only leaves act.

 

[The Albatross]

It doesn't seem to be what he wants or its he himself...

The sad fact is... he either had his own agenda by entering into a long term relationship with an emotionally damaged/injured person (both my spouses the ex and this one did... for two distinctly different reasons)... and that can be altered provided the foundational longer term bond is still in place.... OR they loved and accepted you as you are and have been conditioned to accept what you/we have to offer to bring to the relationship and we are shaking up the status quo when we recover.