When I try to forgive myself for acting the way I did these last couple years after that thought, I...
Hi,
@saraemerald. Tell me if I'm off-base, but it seems to me you wanted to have a "bad thought," the worst possible thought you could have, sort of as an "antidote" to all this "positive thinking." Positive thinking is good, but if you believe those are the only thoughts you are allowed to have, that kind of puts you in an emotional/cognitive straitjacket.
Saraemerald, you are allowed to have a range of thoughts, and a loving God will not be angry with you. Thoughts are not the same thing as behaviors. You can think the most horrible thought ever, and that doesn't mean you will actually do it. It doesn't mean you are a bad person. They are only thoughts and cannot physically hurt you or anyone else.
Can you try to just observe yourself having the thoughts? Cultivate an Observer Self, one who just notices and names things, like, "Oh, that's a thought. Isn't that interesting?" Without blame, without judgment, and with a lot of compassion toward yourself. Can you try to do that? It takes work and practice, but you get some distance from the thoughts themselves, and then the thoughts might not bother you so much. They might even go away.
I'm sorry you were not accepted by the elders or others in your church/religion. There are other communities of worship out there would would gladly, lovingly take you in ... JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! But i'm sure that must be very painful and you are probably grieving your loss. It is so normal to question one's faith at certain times in life, that doesn't mean you will always feel this way. Have faith in a gentle and loving God who also accepts you just the way you are.
Blessings, Lola
