Sexual Assault Shame And Sexual Abuse

[cherryblossom]

Why do we feel ashamed when we have survived sexual abuse?

Shame - definition - A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.

Okay, so firstly we have established that shame is an emotion. So, what is an emotion and how is it formed?

Emotion is the process of marking the significance of events in terms of how we assign meaning to the event. The nature of the emotion is a function of the event’s construed significance, with greater significance related to greater magnitude of emotional response.

There are several components that make events significant to an individual. Personal goals, hedonics (the pleasures and pains experienced during events of life), emotional communication, and past experiences are all fundamental to the generation and regulation of emotion (Campos et al., 2004)

Shame belongs to the class of self-conscious emotion. These emotions involve the way in which events reflect on oneself and, in particular, evaluation of the self against one’s goals and standards. Typically, these emotions arise depending on whether standards are met (pride) or violated (shame and guilt). Any negative event in which individuals believe they have failed to live up to personally valued standards because of a personal flaw can engender shame.

So we feel the emotion of shame because we feel that it’s a personal flaw that someone violated us. We feel that we could have /should have done something different to change the situation. We can even perceive ourselves as fundamentally bad because we have been involved in behaviours considered reprehensible by society. That is particularly the case with survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

So we feel that we should have /could have done something different. However in reality is that the case?

The abuser generally has power over the abused. Whether that be a physical power, or a power of trust such as a parent, teacher, priest, friend of the family. Or the power over a relationship, financial security, a roof over your head. The abuser may be weak in character, but they have the power over the survivor.

If you have survived sexual abuse and you feel shame, then you really need to consider what choices you realistically had whilst being overpowered. What choices did you have at that time? How would you react to your best friend telling you they had been or where being abused? Would you tell them they should be ashamed?

For sexual abuse victims shame has formed a foundation in our lives in two respects:
• The shame of the abuse because it is a taboo subject.
• The shame of abuse because it is an assault on our dignity and personality.

It is often shame that stops survivors from speaking out. We hide the abuse and keep it secret. But that causes us to be isolated and lonely and only feeds the feelings that we are different and have something to be ashamed of. Our own emotion of shame feeds itself. We feel that we are somehow tarnished and to blame and somehow we don’t belong and are no longer acceptable because of the abuse. We fear that others will also see us as tarnished or damaged and therefor unacceptable.

Ironically, the way out of shame is to talk about it with trustworthy people, the very thing many people find so difficult.

Survivors suffer in silence for years, which has hugely damaging effects. This has a massive impact in our lives. It affects our mental health, which in turn impacts our relationships, our careers, our families, and our overall well-being.

Shame is also related to other emotions. Most notably anger and sadness, both of which notably impact our lives.

Feeling shame impacts massively on our lives.

Behaviours characterised by shame can include:

• Feeling “something is wrong with me” - everything is coloured by shame
• Fear of rejection is very strong
• Isolated and lonely - fearful when someone wants to have a close relationship
• Fearful of intimacy - wanting relationship but pushing people away
• Defensive when criticised
• Entering into people pleasing behaviour patterns - not aware of how to get own needs met
• Punishing self with negative and destructive self-talk - or physical harm
• Feeling over responsible for everyone and everything that happens
• Aggressive or abusive behaviour
• Having problems with Depression

(Source: Adapted and put into by own words from an idea in “Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse”– Heitritter and Vought – Bethany House Publishers – Published 1989)

So how do we overcome shame?

We feel shame because we perceive that we should have /could have done something to prevent the abuse from happening.

It’s important to consider the abusers intention, compared to the survivors’ intention, and the influence of power in the situation.

No-one chooses to be abused. We were abused because we had no choice. None of us are responsible for another person’s actions. The abuser is generally in a position of power. The abuser had a primary motive to abuse. I very much doubt that the survivors’ intention was to be abused. The survivor may have been led to some extent, but the abuser was doing the leading. If you were a child you took sweets or money because you wanted them, not because you wanted to be abuse. If you were threatened you believed that threat and you did whatever you had to do to survive. I’m sure there are numerous other examples but at the end of the day it comes down to who had the intention and who had the power.

In every case of abuse, the abuser had the intention and the abuser had the power.

The abused person is not responsible for other persons’ actions.

Shame exists in an environment of secrets. The way out of shame is to talk about in a controlled environment, with a trusted person. That could be with a counsellor, a friend, a family member.

Shame exists in an environment of secrecy. When you begin to freely speak the truth about your life, your sense of shame will diminish…Secrets destroy people and they destroy them unnecessarily. It’s like being reborn when you shed the secret, because you have no more fear

Freeing yourself from shame can be a long and difficult process, but take my word for it – it’s so worthwhile. I strongly encourage anyone who is suffering in silence with shame following the aftermath of sexual abuse to speak out. Find someone you trust who you can open up to. I would suggest finding a therapist who specialises in sexual abuse trauma.

“I was raped”. Saying those words out loud is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it is also the best thing I ever did to free myself from shame.




Sources
[1] Link Removed
[2] http://www.counselling-directory.or...ck-breaking-through-the-shame-of-sexual-abuse
[3] Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura David – Cedar 1988 page 108

 

[Lucycat]

Wow CB this is really good. I had missed it when I went on holiday.

I truly believe that shame is the main cause of the psychological distress that results from all types of sexual abuse. It is hard to acknowledge that we feel ashamed in the first place, and then that blocks finding ways to deal with it.

“I was raped”. Saying those words out loud is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it is also the best thing I ever did to free myself from shame.

How did you fist say this out loud and who to? Was the reduction in shame immediate or did it take some time?

 

[bluebell2]

Hi CB, That is a really powerful post & hits home big time!! I'm stuck on the shame cycle & although I know logically that I was a child & it wasn't my fault - the poisonous thoughts that he implanted in my "child" head won't let go of the shame. I would love to have lead a life free of shame - this is the over riding emotion that keeps us stuck. I'm seeing my T this evening so hopefully together we can break the cycle! I'm so glad that you are free of your shame, you are proof that it CAN be done :)

 

[cherryblossom]

How did you fist say this out loud and who to? Was the reduction in shame immediate or did it take some time?

I told a boyfriend, when upset during intimacy.

In some ways I felt a big relief, having told someone. He was very understanding and very supportive. However, it didn't remove the shame, but it did feel slightly less for sharing. I don't think I fully removed the shame until therapy, but speaking out for the first time certainly was the starting point.

Bluebell, it kind of takes alot of work, looking at your thinking patterns, and using CBT type techniques to modify your thoughts. You might also want to take a look at this older thread. [DLMURL]http://www.mysexabuse.com/threads/it-was-not-my-fault.271/[/DLMURL]

 

[Lucycat]

I told a boyfriend, when upset during intimacy.

So intimacy was the trigger, that finally caused you to speak out in a moment of distress. I appreciate that you have told us you are not in a relationship at the moment, but I wonder after this event did intimacy give you concern that it triggered memories of disclosure?

I am thinking that I disclosed after receiving a phone call. The 'telephone' became a huge trigger for me. So suddenly I needed to sort the telephone trigger in therapy too.

Sorry, this is going off at a tangent. To bring it back into line - what did you do in therapy to address the shame? Was it talk therapy and learning to say the words out loud or was there something about changing your own attitudes and acknowledging the feelings as in mindfulness? How did you know that you no longer felt shame?

 

[cherryblossom]

I think if I was in a relationship, then I would be quite worried about the intimacy /sex side of the relationship, because I think it would still be a trigger for me. But I also think it's something I would be able to work through with the right person.

However, it's not a fear of intimacy, that stops me having a relationship. Honestly, I just can't be bothered! I know it sounds awful, but it just seems like a lot of hassle to me. I rarely meet new people in my day to day life, so if I seriously wanted a relationship, I would have to go looking for it - say internet dating. There's nothing wrong with that, and I may choose to do that in the future, but for me, at the moment, it's more hassle than it's worth!

In therapy, we talked in depth about what happened to me, and how I felt about it. To start off with, it was about learning to say the words out loud. But then it was about talking about how I felt about it, and why I blamed myself. I think shame and self-blame are interlinked. I felt like it was my fault, and that is partly why it was shameful. I felt that I had 'allowed' those things to happen to me. We talked in depth about exactly how I thought it was my fault, and my therapist would explain why she thought it wasn't my fault. We kind of worked through things (similar to the thread It was not my fault). It's almost like removing emotion, and replacing it with logic. Using your brains logic, to rationalise, how realistic, or unrealistic your own personal ideals are. I don't know the official meaning of 'mindfulness', but to me, discussing how I felt, and talking my feelings through logically, helped me to realise that I didn't choose any of what happened, I didn't want any of what happened, and most importantly, it wasn't my fault.

For example, to begin with I was adamant that the whole episode was my fault, because I parked my car in a relatively quiet car park, away from the road and surrounded by trees. What stupid thing to do!! I was clearly asking for trouble!! But in reality, I parked my car in the only place I could find that was close to my friends house. Would parking miles away, and having to walk the streets have been somehow better? It didn't matter where I parked, or what I did or didn't do. He chose to follow me, and attack me. It was completely his choice, not mine. How can I feel ashamed, when I had no choices.

I think we have to clearly remember the definition of shame - A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.
Or as I said above,

We feel shame because we perceive that we should have /could have done something to prevent the abuse from happening.

I just know, that having worked through all of that and the numerous small parts of the event where I felt ashamed, that I just don't feel shame any more.

However, I do feel something, when I think about all the sexual acts he performed on me. That is something close to shame - it's probably best described as self-conscious or uneasy. Honestly, I don't know how to describe it, it's certainly not shame. But I think Lucy, that it comes back to another of your posts about the taboo of talking about sex. Thinking about it now, if all those sexual acts that he forced on me had been consensual in a loving relationship, I think I would feel just as self conscious and wary discussing them. Yes, discussing sex and sexual acts in the context of rape is far more emotionally distressing than talking about sex in a consensual relationship, but it's still just hard to talk about sex, whatever the circumstances.

 

[Thinkbig]

I have heard the term toxic shame, which I would like to point out, as my abuse stems from very young, has posed to be mutifaceted.

I'm not trying in any way to minimize anyone elses experience, but toxic shame is different than shame.

Was it talk therapy and learning to say the words out loud or was there something about changing your own attitudes and acknowledging the feelings as in mindfulness?

For me it's like PTSD, the gift that keeps giving. I'm constantly having to question my thought process. Rationalizing and logic seem to be a form of minimizing those child like emotions of shame. Maybe I'm over complicating it...but it seems like words and logic just don't phase that place where pre verbal shame started.

I will say though, visualizing myself at that age and feeling that I am receiving the comfort I so deserved has done wonders for me. It's still hard for me to receive sometimes, or feel I deserve, and it takes time for me to allow myself to feel loved once again.

 

[Muted]

Incredibly well said.

 

[Slkobe]

Why do we feel ashamed when we have survived sexual abuse?

Shame - definition - A pa...

It took me a long time to admit that I had been raped by my dad but once I finally admitted it I started telling pretty much everyone that I knew, people that weren't even close friends some people just mere acquaintances. I look back at don't know why I did that and now I feel ashamed that I so stupidly told so many people. It felt so good the first time I said it that I thought the more people I told the more empowered I would feel. It didn't work though because looking back people most likely thought it was weird or something I have no idea. I had/and still have boundary issues so this may have triggered it and also just the fact that it felt like almost a disclaimer that I had to tell people because I felt like they needed to know who they were hanging out with or that they should feel sorry for me or something. Or maybe that I should get special treatment cause it was something that I had experienced. I have no idea but I am ashamed now that I told so many people and even moved away to a different state to escape my shame.

 

[cherryblossom]

@Slkobe
Firstly well done for breaking the silence. I agree that it is empowering to finally tell someone out loud.

You think that people thought it was weird or something, but that may not be the case. Who knows what they think? And honestly you've said it now so don't dwell on it.

You can't take back what you have told people. Don't feel ashamed about telling people... what's done is done. You didn't do anything wrong. . You only told the truth. How other people deal with that is up to them.

Based on how you feel right now, you may want to revise who you talk to about this in the future, but don't let it stop you talking about it with the right people.

I just want to go back to the fact that you think they think it's weird. That's not a lot of facts to go on. Perhaps they just don't know how to respond, and that's okay too. Just be yourself.

I've done the same thing by telling the wrong person. Don't be ashamed about making a mistake. Learn from it and move on.

You have a lot of insight, it just takes a while to trust in the right places. You will get better at dealing with this, we all do, every day, little by little.

Don't keep beating yourself up and running away, things will get better.

 

[Slkobe]

@Slkobe
Firstly well done for breaking the silence. I agree that it is empoweri...

Thanks cherry blossom! The reason why I assume people think it's weird is because my tells me that. Whenever I bring it up to her she tells me it's weird and that people don't really care so I shouldn't tell them. I think it's her way of shaming me into silence because of the denial she is regarding her part in the matter. Thanks so much your your kind words and support. I really appreciate it!