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Shame around being dysfunctional.

#13
I still suffer from alot of shame. I think I do it to myself too much though, like most other people wouldn't give a shit and would forget about it, I don't know. I agree with what @Sophy (in lockdown) said. 'shame lives on secrecy and thrives in hiding'. It's best to not be embarrassed by it and to unload it by sharing it and bringing it into the open so that it loses its power and control over you. Am I ashamed of my dysregulation?... No I'm not because it's just part of (side-affect) of my illness. But I am ashamed of specific acts and situations of my life. I need to work on those probably with professional help.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#14
It was at a time in my life when it made sense to me. I had left my abusive ex, had my own place and was working. I was barely functioning. And I too liked the head-on way he talked about toxic shame. It helped me to separate healthy shame, such as being rude to someone and then apologizing, to the difference of there was something so inherently WRONG with me that I had no hope. I don't know if that makes sense T. You know I'm not thinking clearly these days.

But there are many books and wonderful authors out there today that address shame so am hoping you find something that helps.

You are much better at meditation than I ever was, I still can't settle my mind. You will get suggestions and with your own research, you will find something that resonates with you.

You have so much more courage than you ever give yourself credit for and you are searching for answers and guidance. You will find your way.

Gentle heart hugs.
 
#15
@mylunareclipse I felt like that reading healing the shame that binds me. It left me feeling so utterly broken and defective and hopeless. I decided to stop reading it.

Glad it helped you and @ladee @Sophy (in lockdown)

What was the gist of how it helped heal the shame?

I enjoyed Brene Brown's books well enough.

I found practising Metta meditation is the things that's had the most profound impact on self hatred - it's practising loving kindness to self and others - and it really softened my self hatred, found some genuine fondness and caring.

And strangely, or maybe not I don't know. But being so isolated, has massively helped me to care less what others think, and as I've tended most definitely to thinking others view me negatively, being away from others has allowed me to relax a bit, and begin wondering what I think of things instead of what others think.

Are these related to what I'm talking about?

I guess I'm thinking too - in a way it feels like I'm done running, am so stuck, that looking at things seems the last resort. Something like that.

I don't really remember a time where I didn't somehow defective. I mean, it wasn't as bad when I was younger as it became when the csa started...

@mumstheword I relate quite a bit. Am not in the same place I grew up. But am in the same place as other traumas.

I'm really glad you have your husband and kids ♡

I do feel shame over having others over too! And fear, terrible fear, it doesn't feel entirely logical the fear, I'm not sure what it's about.

I guess too vulnerable.

There are things about my current lack of mental health and functioning as well as all the past stuff. And on top of that my feelings about that, and how I ought to be able to snap out of it.

I guess that's the metta feelings you were talking about @Sophy (in lockdown) hey.
I'm not in the place I grew up. I'm in the place I got to, at 16, trying to get away from my negligent abusive parents, who lived states away and from all the rapists who abused me, while I was in the states of my parents.
I'm kind of angry at them, and feel like shit because they treat me as if I don't matter and they don't treat me with respect. I don't think they are capable, though.

I'm chipping away at the shame, it's just an indulgence based on other people crappy treatment of me and my own inability to forgive myself, I figure, not something thst will benefit me in indulging in, so I'm chip, chip, chipping away and it's a looooooong work in progress, that's for sure.

I'm big on self compassion. I'm big on a "spiritual path" of one's choosing. I believe in " the eternal soul", karma, redemption, Christ consciousness, Buddhist philosophy, guides and angels, all that sort of stuff. It works for me.

My spirituality has always delivered, unlike most other humans.

I read a lot. I meditate a lot. I pray a lot. I practise gratitude and self care a lot. I find my yogic practise a good way to tie a lot of it together.
 
#16
And strangely, or maybe not I don't know. But being so isolated, has massively helped me to care less what others think, and as I've tended most definitely to thinking others view me negatively, being away from others has allowed me to relax a bit, and begin wondering what I think of things instead of what others think.
This. The only way I don’t have shame around being nonfunctional? Is to remove everyone else from the equation. So it’s only me I’m hurting, not anyone else, or even the idea/possibility of anyone else.
 
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