This sort of came up in another post and made a lot of sense to me and what I'm going through (and have been for years, but mainly another intensified bout lately). Asking for help is beyond hard. I live alone, haven't had a significant other or bestie in a long time, which is often okay and totally my doing because I've been such a workaholic and fairly avoidance of close relationships. But with various physical health things falling apart in recent years, there's the intensified feeling that nobody is really "there" for me. I've worked on the skill of asking for support and also offering it to others, trying to strengthen some friendships in the few moments I feel like I'm not selfishly just trying to survive. Through little stresses, I'm fine and know what is helpful (walking, music, etc).
The physical health stuff is really hard. Today I'm in a lot of pain. I did call a friend earlier and she told me I could call back to let her know how I was doing. That meant a lot to me, but I know she's really busy too, so I've been on my own. I e-mailed my therapist but the e-mails are too much and I'm really tired of a painful feeling that I'm just a burden to her. I know that sounds like typical "I-suck" or woe-is-me, but really, I wouldn't want to be her. I'm a vortex of bad energy and don't have enough support so am too torn between wanting to rely on her and also find better ways to rely on myself...or even know when it's appropriate to ask for help.
Being lonely isn't really even a thing for me anymore. I'm a relatively self-accepting hermit. But then of course I end up feeling really isolated in crisis times. I woke up in the ER more times than I can remember with nobody there (well, a nurse), no family or friends...beginning in really early childhood...and many of the early adulthood times I woke up in ER alone were perfectly my own doing (suicide attempts, alcohol poisoning, etc). But I replay this worst sort of isolation (in my opinion) and it's especially bad with how some physical health stuff has gone to crap and feeling alone with the pain and suffering. I have helpful doctors and I keep working on taking care of myself and trying new options, but I feel really, really tired of this sort of stress. Aside from sheer amped-up stress mode, I think this relates a lot to just resorting to burning the shit out of my arm a few days ago. In crisis mode or when in a lot of physical pain, I don't expect support and it reaffirms some deep shame like I'm not quite worth life...like at the near-death moment, nobody will care (so that's how it's been...it's not near-death now, I just feel that abandonment, powerlessness, shame). I could call someone, but there's a point where that just feeds the shame of needing people or support, a feeling that gets hyper-sensitive at the worst times. Hurting myself feels like a (f*cked up) way I can take care of myself, or manage any pain all on my own.
Some things are better. This seems worse, or like it can't be healed...though probably just way amped up in relation to current pain and health stuff. I wish I had the guts to explain this to my therapist because I don't understand her approach in this area...she is less responsive to my negative stress, I assume because she doesnt' want to reinforce it. She's really encouraging when I find ways to empower my self, which I understand I need to get to. Also, I think she has her own boundaries which I admire and understand it can be a way to help me understand boundaries too. But the pain and crisis stuff is REALLY confusing. I feel like I'm spiraling back into negative patterns and beliefs and extra shame I thought I had moved beyond. It helps to write because part of me wants to be able to talk about this with her...it's just not as strong right now as the sick part that feels safer through withdrawing and managing all stress by myself, through whatever means, just to avoid the shame. I know it's backwards, but I seriously wonder if I'd be safer (from myself!) if I quit therapy because of all of this.
Probably also related less to medical trauma and just feeling alone with bad feelings, like all the times I couldn't go to my mom because I was afraid of her, or my fear was because of her, or I believed I was the source of her rages and had to disappear to make her okay again. And source of self-injury being close to self-starvation and the power I feel through being "good" on the surface, self-negating, and not having even basic needs (also feeling half-dead always felt easier to accept...I feel prone to shame when I'm feeling good and healthy too, so it's like a no-win sometimes). But enough analyzing...it's all the same self-hatred and seemingly impossible scenarios. Feels hopeless and I want to just forget everything.
Sorry for another long-a$s post. Maybe doesn't even make sense (another issue with asking for help is organizing my thoughts and even being direct or coherent). Trying to keep real.
The physical health stuff is really hard. Today I'm in a lot of pain. I did call a friend earlier and she told me I could call back to let her know how I was doing. That meant a lot to me, but I know she's really busy too, so I've been on my own. I e-mailed my therapist but the e-mails are too much and I'm really tired of a painful feeling that I'm just a burden to her. I know that sounds like typical "I-suck" or woe-is-me, but really, I wouldn't want to be her. I'm a vortex of bad energy and don't have enough support so am too torn between wanting to rely on her and also find better ways to rely on myself...or even know when it's appropriate to ask for help.
Being lonely isn't really even a thing for me anymore. I'm a relatively self-accepting hermit. But then of course I end up feeling really isolated in crisis times. I woke up in the ER more times than I can remember with nobody there (well, a nurse), no family or friends...beginning in really early childhood...and many of the early adulthood times I woke up in ER alone were perfectly my own doing (suicide attempts, alcohol poisoning, etc). But I replay this worst sort of isolation (in my opinion) and it's especially bad with how some physical health stuff has gone to crap and feeling alone with the pain and suffering. I have helpful doctors and I keep working on taking care of myself and trying new options, but I feel really, really tired of this sort of stress. Aside from sheer amped-up stress mode, I think this relates a lot to just resorting to burning the shit out of my arm a few days ago. In crisis mode or when in a lot of physical pain, I don't expect support and it reaffirms some deep shame like I'm not quite worth life...like at the near-death moment, nobody will care (so that's how it's been...it's not near-death now, I just feel that abandonment, powerlessness, shame). I could call someone, but there's a point where that just feeds the shame of needing people or support, a feeling that gets hyper-sensitive at the worst times. Hurting myself feels like a (f*cked up) way I can take care of myself, or manage any pain all on my own.
Some things are better. This seems worse, or like it can't be healed...though probably just way amped up in relation to current pain and health stuff. I wish I had the guts to explain this to my therapist because I don't understand her approach in this area...she is less responsive to my negative stress, I assume because she doesnt' want to reinforce it. She's really encouraging when I find ways to empower my self, which I understand I need to get to. Also, I think she has her own boundaries which I admire and understand it can be a way to help me understand boundaries too. But the pain and crisis stuff is REALLY confusing. I feel like I'm spiraling back into negative patterns and beliefs and extra shame I thought I had moved beyond. It helps to write because part of me wants to be able to talk about this with her...it's just not as strong right now as the sick part that feels safer through withdrawing and managing all stress by myself, through whatever means, just to avoid the shame. I know it's backwards, but I seriously wonder if I'd be safer (from myself!) if I quit therapy because of all of this.
Probably also related less to medical trauma and just feeling alone with bad feelings, like all the times I couldn't go to my mom because I was afraid of her, or my fear was because of her, or I believed I was the source of her rages and had to disappear to make her okay again. And source of self-injury being close to self-starvation and the power I feel through being "good" on the surface, self-negating, and not having even basic needs (also feeling half-dead always felt easier to accept...I feel prone to shame when I'm feeling good and healthy too, so it's like a no-win sometimes). But enough analyzing...it's all the same self-hatred and seemingly impossible scenarios. Feels hopeless and I want to just forget everything.
Sorry for another long-a$s post. Maybe doesn't even make sense (another issue with asking for help is organizing my thoughts and even being direct or coherent). Trying to keep real.
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