All great thoughts and points of feedback, it really helps me to hear others' responses, as I tend to get very caught up in my head as I plough through all of this stuff and as much as I try not to, I am very prone to losing myself in theoretical analyses and losing my own personal relation to and investment in this stuff. I think that's because it is so so confronting and painful...
My understanding of the boundaries issue is more or less that a child who does not learn a sense of autonomy, self respect and the right to have needs met, will have no understanding of what personal boundaries are, let alone his/her right to have them. Boundaries are all about protecting these qualities in ourselves, and if we don't have the qualities - or believe we don't - then boundaries will have no meaning for us as we grow up.
But like it or not, we will always feel the invasion of our autonomy and emotional "personal space" as something threatening and dangerous, even if we can't identify why. Sadly, as this tends to happen in relationships, given that it is people who bring the boundary issue to light, it is easy to experience the presence of other people as inherently threatening and dangerous, even if we don't understand why, and even if their behaviour really isn't intended to be this way. I think that's the part of it that resonated most with me, as it made sense of why even good people can feel threatening and unsafe to me. If I have no behavioural or emotional boundaries, then I will have no ability to assert them and possess any control in the relationship, and others will have no opportunity to respect them, almost like if you have no fence around your property, then others will trespass simply because they don't know where their property stops and yours begins. I'm not sure if that makes sense... I'm not even sure that it quite makes sense to me, but it "feels" right somehow.
The shame/shamelessness paradox is sad, and frightening. I sort of equate it to a lack of self respect. If I have no respect for myself, as taught to me by my family, then I have no drive to behave in self respecting ways. Similarly, I am likely to be driven to behave in very non-self-respecting ways, as these seem to fit with the view I have of myself and to thus make me feel genuine or authentic, which is the terrible irony of it all.
I had an incredibly validating discussion with my therapist yesterday based on these notes, and we talked about our planfor some experiencial work to start to address this problem. Bradshaw advocates a lot of internal family systems type work, a lot of "getting to know your inner selves" and other "parts" work that I must admit initially horrified me. As I told my therapist, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th... etc response to all that was one of mocking rejection and condemnation. "What a load of phony BS..." etc. Sadly, that sort of mortified rejection is a typical defence of mine, I've come to see that. We had a good talk about it, and about the validity of it, in spite of the discomfort and awkwardness. He was incredibly supportive and enthusiastic, and that helped to build my resolve to give it a go. We start tomorrow... and I'm scared, but fearfully hopeful too.
That said, I'm still very dubious and not naturally inclined towards this approach. But I have experienced that mental imagery and the memory-altering impacts of EMDR processing are very powerful and almost unbelievably possible, and Bradshaw's approaches have a lot in common with EMDR, and also with the schema mode work that definitely resonates with me, so my own experiences, and the evidence, are definitely in conflict with my instincts about this.
Gosh, I'm nervous...
My understanding of the boundaries issue is more or less that a child who does not learn a sense of autonomy, self respect and the right to have needs met, will have no understanding of what personal boundaries are, let alone his/her right to have them. Boundaries are all about protecting these qualities in ourselves, and if we don't have the qualities - or believe we don't - then boundaries will have no meaning for us as we grow up.
But like it or not, we will always feel the invasion of our autonomy and emotional "personal space" as something threatening and dangerous, even if we can't identify why. Sadly, as this tends to happen in relationships, given that it is people who bring the boundary issue to light, it is easy to experience the presence of other people as inherently threatening and dangerous, even if we don't understand why, and even if their behaviour really isn't intended to be this way. I think that's the part of it that resonated most with me, as it made sense of why even good people can feel threatening and unsafe to me. If I have no behavioural or emotional boundaries, then I will have no ability to assert them and possess any control in the relationship, and others will have no opportunity to respect them, almost like if you have no fence around your property, then others will trespass simply because they don't know where their property stops and yours begins. I'm not sure if that makes sense... I'm not even sure that it quite makes sense to me, but it "feels" right somehow.
The shame/shamelessness paradox is sad, and frightening. I sort of equate it to a lack of self respect. If I have no respect for myself, as taught to me by my family, then I have no drive to behave in self respecting ways. Similarly, I am likely to be driven to behave in very non-self-respecting ways, as these seem to fit with the view I have of myself and to thus make me feel genuine or authentic, which is the terrible irony of it all.
I had an incredibly validating discussion with my therapist yesterday based on these notes, and we talked about our planfor some experiencial work to start to address this problem. Bradshaw advocates a lot of internal family systems type work, a lot of "getting to know your inner selves" and other "parts" work that I must admit initially horrified me. As I told my therapist, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th... etc response to all that was one of mocking rejection and condemnation. "What a load of phony BS..." etc. Sadly, that sort of mortified rejection is a typical defence of mine, I've come to see that. We had a good talk about it, and about the validity of it, in spite of the discomfort and awkwardness. He was incredibly supportive and enthusiastic, and that helped to build my resolve to give it a go. We start tomorrow... and I'm scared, but fearfully hopeful too.
That said, I'm still very dubious and not naturally inclined towards this approach. But I have experienced that mental imagery and the memory-altering impacts of EMDR processing are very powerful and almost unbelievably possible, and Bradshaw's approaches have a lot in common with EMDR, and also with the schema mode work that definitely resonates with me, so my own experiences, and the evidence, are definitely in conflict with my instincts about this.
Gosh, I'm nervous...
