Relationship she shut me out

[concernedboyfriend]

You're pretty perceptive, Hojay. Thanks for the advice. Can a mod do me a favor and delete this thread, for privacys sake?

 

[anthony]

Can a mod do me a favor and delete this thread, for privacys sake?

No. Please ask all website / administration questions via contact us only please. All future administrative discussion will be deleted.

 

[Justme5721]

She has me in a kind of limbo. She wants to wait until her head clears to make a decision, but she has my stuff. Some with sentimental value to me. I'm afraid to contact her about it. Don't want to imply shes a lost cause, because that's what other men have done in the past from what I've gathered. I've mentioned my things awhile back but she hasn't said anything. Honestly, if I wanted to I could move on and see someone new right now, but I really don't think I can handle something like that. I don't think it would be fair to them or her, considering the headspace I'm in right now. I have my first therapy session soon and I'm waiting to see how that goes. Acknowledging some bad things that happened to me many years ago has made me feel... strange recently. It's not her fault, but she did give me the courage to stop denying it. I don't have post traumatic stress myself, but definitely a fear of intimacy and exposing my feelings to an SO. I want to use this time to work on myself, I know she'll contact me sooner or later. Even if she decides she doesn't want a relationship, she likes to stay friends with Ex'es.

Didnt I read you have a key to her place? Go in when you know she is not there. Get ONLY your things and leave the key. Although I'm not the most sane person right now js

 

[concernedboyfriend]

... Go in when you know she is not there. Get ONLY your things and leave the key. Although I'm not the most sane person right now js

I've thought about that, but it felt like the violation of her home space would be unforgivable. Also illegal from what I've been told by someone that caught a charge for doing the same once. And if my letter to her was still on display I'd turn around and walk out.
Now I have reason to suspect that she is moving on without saying anything, despite telling me to wait for her to contact & decide. Something that happened when I met her IRL for the first time, and many other signs throughout the relationship makes me feel that this is a repeating pattern of behavior. Maybe she feels that visible commitment takes away the freedom shes gained since she left her abuser, hard to say. I've read here many times that ptsd isn't an excuse to be a bad person. Maybe I should say something, but I'm afraid to.

 

[blackemerald1]

I've thought about that, but it felt like the violation of her home space would be unforgivable. Also illegal from what I've been told by someone that caught a charge for doing the same once.

Sounds like the relationship might be over so I would not be too concerned about being unforgived and if you want your belongings back I think the right thing to do is contact her and make arrangements to go and pick it up. Don't use it as an excuse to have a chat about the relationship. Just get your possessions and leave her with her house keys.

Don't know the laws in your country but if you cannot go there yourself ask a third party to go on your behalf. It's a fairly simple thing to resolve.

 

[Neverthesame]

You could also try calling your local sheriff's departments non-emergency line, ask if they can spare a deputy to meet you there while you collect your things.

 

[Justme5721]

You could also try calling your local sheriff's departments non-emergency line, ask if they can spare a deputy to meet you there while you collect your things.

That's what I was thinking too.

 

[Justme5721]

I've thought about that, but it felt like the violation of her home space would be unforgivable. Also illegal from what I've been told by someone that caught a charge for doing the same once. And if my letter to her was still on display I'd turn around and walk out.
Now I have reason to suspect that she is moving on without saying anything, despite telling me to wait for her to contact & decide. Something that happened when I met her IRL for the first time, and many other signs throughout the relationship makes me feel that this is a repeating pattern of behavior. Maybe she feels that visible commitment takes away the freedom shes gained since she left her abuser, hard to say. I've read here many times that ptsd isn't an excuse to be a bad person. Maybe I should say something, but I'm afraid to.

I am learning also that mental illness period is no excuse for being a bad person. There are plenty here on this site that are sufferers and they say the same thing.

People kept telling me to get angry for how mine treated me but I sounded like you...dont want to upset him, dont want to hurt him, just want him to come home...i love him. I am now angry but dont get me wrong I do not have a magic switch to turn off the love I have for who I thought he was. Hopefully in time I will struggle to remember the time with him. Just think about how she is moving on but wanting you to stick around. Talk about selfish. You don't deserve that.

 

[Justmehere]

What are you doing to invest in other relationships?

When one person wants to be close fast connects with someone else who can't sustain closeness very well, there is a high potential for it to go ary.

The painful reality is that she may not want to re-start the relationship. If she does, this pattern is likely to happen a few more times. If she does get treatment, things may actually be worse for awhile before they get better. If she's not ready for treatment, she's not ready. I wouldn't be too concerned about being the "only one" who is concerned - it sounds like she has others in her life who care about her too.

Right now, I'd really suggest focusing on building up other relationships in a healthy way. Anytime you want to write her a letter (even a do-not-send-letter) perhaps try taking an action to connect with a friend. Every time you start to worry about her mental health, take a step to also focus on your own. The more you do this, the easier it may become to be able to gain some emotional distance.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Just think about how she is moving on but wanting you to stick around. Talk about selfish. You don't deserve that.

I feel for your situation too. The pain kicks in hard at least once a day. I can't bring myself to stay angry for long at someone with problems. Love is rough. Hard to accept that someone so wounded by evil people can become so apathetic. Of course, she probably sees it as sparing my feelings. I'll see her out sooner or later when I visit the city. We shared the same hangouts, and I've been going to them for longer. I don't want her to feel unsafe. The only certainty is that her sense of self worth is so low that she thinks I can do better. That hurts the most. They always seem so perfect, don't they?

When one person wants to be close fast connects with someone else who can't sustain closeness very well, there is a high potential for it to go ary.

The painful reality is that she may not want to re-start the relationship. If she does, this pattern is likely to happen a few more times.

I knew this would happen at the start, knew she had pulled this with other men who saw us together and became upset. She said herself that she can't handle confrontation. Figured my own tendency to push away would make it easier when it ended. Then I became attached. She kept telling me how different and special I was, and I threw away my layers of emotional distance.
I'm doing my best to move on, saw more friends recently than all year. Getting therapy in a couple weeks.
I wish I could have some closure, but ptsd doesn't often allow that.
I know that once the storm in her mind calms she would respond positively to being friends. Told me that she wished her last ex would lose feelings so they could talk again. But theres that fear, that this isn't just ghosting, that shes honest and does want to wait until her mind is in a better place. Makes me afraid to do or say anything that may send an "I'm done" signal. Hope is hard to kill, but I'm doing my best to practice self care.

 

[EveHarrington]

Told me that she wished her last ex would lose feelings so they could talk again.

Translated....

I wish he’d get over his pain and stop hating me so we can be friends again.

Good god, does she have any ability whatsoever to understand the pain and damage she’s caused?!?! I seriously doubt it.

This woman really has no idea how feelings work. She has no idea that the way her feelings work is not the way that feelings work for most non-traumatized people. Hence why these situations happen over and over and over again.

She needs therapy. She needs a greater understanding of feelings and emotions and love and the way that she EASILY shuts them off is not the norm. And until she does, she’s just going to continue hurting people while being dumbfounded at why they don’t act the way she wants them to.

 

[Cleo1521]

Translated....

I wish he’d get over his pain and stop hating me so we can be friends again.

Good god, does she have any ability whatsoever to understand the pain and damage she’s caused?!?! I seriously doubt it.

This woman really has no idea how feelings work. She has no idea that the way her feelings work is not the way that feelings work for most non-traumatized people. Hence why these situations happen over and over and over again.

She needs therapy. She needs a greater understanding of feelings and emotions and love and the way that she EASILY shuts them off is not the norm. And until she does, she’s just going to continue hurting people while being dumbfounded at why they don’t act the way she wants them to.

This.