Relationship she shut me out

[Friday]

The problem is that she hates talking about her condition in any way, says it makes it worse.

One of the near unique things about PTSD is that talking about it does make it worse.

Every other disorder that I’m aware of gets better in therapy, almost from day 1.

It’s a complete mind f*ck when you’re coming from a background in one of those disorders to trying to understand trauma-therapy. Because therapy “should” help. It does. Just not any time soon, and first it’s going to get infinitely worse.

Think of how a badly healed broken leg, or a burn victim, is treated. First the leg has to be rebroken, or the burned skin/muscle has to be scrubbed off, repeatedly, with steel wool. A whole lotta pain, and no little risk. No matter how bad things are right now? They’re going to get a helluva lot worse, first

I have another disorder, I get how backwards it seems that talking & therapy work completely differently. But they do. When you’re dealing with a disorder that involves reliving rather than remembering, asking to talk about it to feel better, can be like asking to rape them so they’ll feel better.

She never took her house key from me, so I'm holding out hope. After all, if it was over she would say so right?

It’s pretty cheap & easy to change your locks.

Im not saying she won’t come back, I don’t know her, but until/unless you’ve had a conversation about isolation that works for both of you? I would very strongly recommend not putting your life on hold for someone that out of the past 3 months has been out of your life for nearly a third of that. 3 months is still extremely early days in a relationship. A lot of people would very rationally feel that “We tried dating for a couple months, it didn’t really work out” doesn’t rate a month later formal breakup. We tried it, it didn’t work, it’s done.

So my suggestion would be that if YOU want to remain single for awhile? Go for it. But people often come here and are “waiting” for their sufferer to come back for far longer than they actually dated. That’s insanity. If you’re together 10 years, than 6 mo is a drop in the bucket. But if you’re together 2 months??? See the problem, there? IMO... If she wants to be dating you? She needs to make that clear. Not the reverse. There needs to be 2 people in a relationship, not 1 person waiting around for the other to decide if they want to be in a relationship.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

IMO... If she wants to be dating you? She needs to make that clear. Not the reverse. There needs to be 2 people in a relationship, not 1 person waiting around for the other to decide if they want to be in a relationship.

She has me in a kind of limbo. She wants to wait until her head clears to make a decision, but she has my stuff. Some with sentimental value to me. I'm afraid to contact her about it. Don't want to imply shes a lost cause, because that's what other men have done in the past from what I've gathered. I've mentioned my things awhile back but she hasn't said anything. Honestly, if I wanted to I could move on and see someone new right now, but I really don't think I can handle something like that. I don't think it would be fair to them or her, considering the headspace I'm in right now. I have my first therapy session soon and I'm waiting to see how that goes. Acknowledging some bad things that happened to me many years ago has made me feel... strange recently. It's not her fault, but she did give me the courage to stop denying it. I don't have post traumatic stress myself, but definitely a fear of intimacy and exposing my feelings to an SO. I want to use this time to work on myself, I know she'll contact me sooner or later. Even if she decides she doesn't want a relationship, she likes to stay friends with Ex'es.

 

[Chris-duck]

It sounds to me that neither of you are ready for a relationship right now. And that's not a diss, because I'm not ready for one either. If she has things that have sentimental value to you it's okay to ask for them back with a suggestion of how you'd go about that that's minimal stress to her.

You're very early stages in this relationship. It seems that it progressed quite fast so I'm not surprised it's bringing up issues for you both. My best advice is to get your stuff back (even if that's through a mutual friend or something) and move on. Take a break and decide what you need for yourself moving forwards and if things calm down you can try again. But it doesn't sound like the right relationship for you both right now

 

[EveHarrington]

Friends with ex’s?

That never works!

What is the likelihood that BOTH of you will be able to make a smooth transition to friend mode?

Either you will want more or....well, most likely, you will want more.

It’s a mind f*ck of needless pain.

9 billion people in the world. It’s best to move on and not keep your heart in the meat grinder.

Will you REALLY be able to handle things when she’s with a new interest? (I didn’t think so.)

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Will you REALLY be able to handle things when she’s with a new interest? (I didn’t think so.)

Honestly, as long as the other is happy neither of us would be too upset in the long term. We've talked about it before and she just wants me to be happy because she sees me as an unusually good person, although I disagreed with that assessment of myself. Maybe that plays a part in the current isolation and hesitation to make a choice since she's very down on herself and feels that her condition hurts me, but who knows. She does not trust her own judgement when shes overstressed, and always said I had done alot for her. That I did what a boyfriend was supposed to do, but none of hers ever had. I got the sense that she doesn't feel like she deserves me, which is silly from my perspective because I feel the same about her. I don't think a supporter could ever fully understand the PTSD mindset. Alot of things she said seemed to indicate that she's used to men "getting tired" of her and her unique needs, which has been a big motivator for me to wait & see. To prove to myself I'm as different as she believed I was and keep the door open for her to come back. Both of us have close friends that are Ex's. Not a high population in our area, so it's pretty common here actually.

 

[Neverthesame]

Honestly, if I wanted to I could move on and see someone new right now, but I really don't think I can handle something like that. I don't think it would be fair to them or her, considering the headspace I'm in right now.

Why do you need to immediately jump into a new relationship?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Why do you need to immediately jump into a new relationship?

I don't want to, but it's what some of my loved ones suggested as the best way to "get over it". They don't understand. I could try, but I doubt my heart would be in it, and I'd feel like I was doing something dishonorable.

 

[Neverthesame]

I've always heard that being called a rebound relationship. I've never heard it called a good idea.

 

[Friday]

a rebound relationship. I've never heard it called a good idea

<laughing> I’ve always been rather fond myself of the practice of ‘The best way over one man, is under another!’

With the rather large caveat that ^^^ doesn’t apply if your last relationship was abusive. Abuse changes all the rules, and he last thing anyone wants is to jump from abuse to abuse.

But even if you’re just meeting up for rock climbing, or a coffee? Simply the act of getting out and about, meeting people for casual dates... with no expectation OF a relationship... helps a lot of people more clearly define that the old relationship is over.

I don't think it would be fair to them or her, considering the headspace I'm in right now.

If you don’t want to? That’s fair. But word to the wise? DO try to let other people make their own decisions. Going out on a date isn’t getting into a relationship, much less proposing marriage. You don’t have to be 100% commitment ready in order to grab lunch (or roll in the hay) with someone. People are in a lot of different places, wanting different things. Part of dating? Is just getting comfortable with that. Just because this is the first girl you’ve ever been comfortable with doesn’t mean that she’s the only girl you’ll ever be comfortable with. Finding out what you want, what you enjoy, & meeting other people where they’re at, learning about what they want, what they enjoy. Ain’t about being perfect, and it’s not dishonorable to on a first date be less than 100% committed to being able to be in a relationship with them. You don’t even know them, yet, and durn well might never want to be in a relationship with them.

Again, you wanna give it some time with this girl? No worries. Just be careful how much.

Super good job on getting into therapy.

 

[EveHarrington]

I could try, but I doubt my heart would be in it, and I'd feel like I was doing something dishonorable.

Do you realize this is essentially using someone new to get over the old? Yes, it’s done all the time, but it really sucks being just a rebound. Please don’t do it.

I’m talking about a RELATIONSHIP. Not casual dating, not hanging out, not getting a cup of coffee.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Friday I just spat red bull on my phone reading that first sentence. Lol!
Well said.

 

[Hojay]

Though I’m sure her isolation is disorienting, it’s sounding more and more like your current state has little to do with this woman, and more to do with the issue you yourself mentioned having. This isn’t a judgement, you’re not alone with struggling like this.

Jumping the gun on commitment and idealizing a person one barely knows are pretty clear signs that there’s more projection going on than not. And that invariably has something to do with what we’re lacking in life, rather than what person is truly in front of us. With self confidence, self worth and self respect, people don’t impress us so quickly. We’re more able to see the reality of the situation, who they are, and what their actions mean for us. If we love and respect ourselves, our needs and expectations are just as important as those of others. Their actions aren’t immediately a judgment of our worth and we are able to see them as separate, autonomous human beings. With self respect, we understand that we have little control over others, not least because we’ve given up the illusion that others have that much control over us.

Much of what you’ve written suggests that you don’t “see” yourself, that you feel down on yourself and not worthy. Those are feelings to address before starting any new relationship. It doesn’t have much to do with her, what she wants, doesn’t want, or whatnot. This is about you and your life and feeling the best you can about yourself. I think shifting the focus there, no matter how hard that may feel in the beginning, may very well change a great deal for you.