Relationship she shut me out

[concernedboyfriend]

In early May I met the first woman I was ever comfortable with, having my own issues. I did not understand ptsd at all, and thought it was sort of like depression. In early July, she told me her story, and since then started isolating more and more. Shes never been to therapy since she was a teen or had meds and doesnt really understand her own condition, but she did say she was diagnosed with ptsd and depression. She'd state it as "I feel weird sometimes and need space". Never really specified what space meant, since I was "different", "special" and the "forced space" of living an hour away would hopefully be enough.
Anyway, long story short I was having panic attacks all the time by mid July, and after telling me she "felt down for no reason" became very unresponsive and would make excuses as to why. Me, being absolutely ignorant, thought more attention was what she needed. Needless to say this backfired and she canceled on our weekend plans due to me making her feel uncomfortable by trying to come earlier (I work nights and get too anxious to sleep before seeing a woman, not a very good driver either). The next week we had plans we had made over a month before, and she told me to come an hour beforehand. My panic and paranoia at the thought of losing her made me arrive an hour early. In that state of mind I had forgot she once said she needed about a half hour to mentally prepare to see a man. She yelled at me for disrespecting her space, said she was happier alone, cried because she felt like she was hurting me and that a "normal" girl wouldn't have a problem with any of this. I asked if it was over, she said she couldn't decide in this state, but that I needed to leave. I told her not to throw away the gifts I brought and she said she wouldn't. Told me she had kept me on silent all week and "don't text me, I'll text you". That night she asked if I made it home alright and said she had fun at the outing and may go home soon. Usually when she drinks she becomes more social and happy, but is twice as down the next day. In my own sad drunken idiocy I sent a novel of a text.
This was late july. Since then I've sent a few texts, said I was worried, hours later she said im fine. A week goes by and I told her I love her and that im here if she needs anything. No reply. A few days after that, in the midst of an anxiety attack I told her that I was sorry for not considering her needs and that I was going to see a psychologist for my panic, that I wanted to continue our relationship. A day later I recieved "im sorry, but I don't know what to say right now".
Its been another week, 3 weeks since the shut out and ive been reading this site and books to educate myself. I realize now that I probably shouldn't contact her at all until she contacts me. So much of what I've read here is relatable to things she has told me its been quite a shock. I want to thank you all for being so helpful. Lately I've been writing letters when I get the urge to tell her about my day or whatever, im not actually mailing them of course but it seems like a decent coping method for me. She never took her house key from me, so I'm holding out hope. After all, if it was over she would say so right? With college students moving into town and her promotion coming soon I figure her stress cup may be overfull for some time.
How do other supporters keep themselves going during these times, and how long could this last? Some think I'm crazy for wanting to stay, but I truely love this woman and want what's best for her. I have intimacy issues from my own history of abuse and she's the first person to ever make me feel safe. The thought that I made her feel unsafe and uncomfortable is tearing at my heart and it was awful to realize that. I've acheived a sort of zen about the situation. This site seems to mostly concern combat Veterans so I wondered if there was any specific advice I could have? I know deep down its hard for her to trust me, hard to believe I myself won't turn abusive. Her latest round of abuse is still very fresh in her mind, she had wanted to stay alone for a time until she fell in love with me, a man that was more afraid of her than she was of me.
I think my biggest mistake was downplaying my own anxiety/depression issues, I didn't want to lose her or worry her. She once told me that previous relationships couldn't even get started because her need for space "never got better". When she yelled at me I saw a side of her that she wasn't ready for me to see yet, and I feel like she may be embarrassed and doesn't know what to do. I think she noticed how scared and upset I was. I know she loves me and once said I was the best boyfriend she ever had.

 

[Sweetpea76]

There are a lot of supporters here whose partners are combat vets with PTSD, but the site is for all kinds of PTSD.

I think you have two main problems here. The first is your anxiety issue, which you seem to realize. It's good you're working on it, but you cannot expect her to be able to handle your panic attacks, emotional issues, or meltdowns. She cannot handle her own emotions when she is stressed, so she really cannot handle yours. You can't look to her for comfort, so you're going to have to learn to self soothe or find other means of support.

Secondly, you need to work on respecting boundaries. This is how you build trust. For example, she specifically told you she needed a certain amount of time to mentally prepare to see you. You didn't follow her wishes. That's violating a boundary she set. If you can't respect the simple boundaries like that, how can she trust you with bigger things?

 

[concernedboyfriend]

There are a lot of supporters here whose partners are combat vets with PTSD, but the site is for all kinds of PTSD.

I think you have two main problems here. The first is your anxiety issue, which you seem to realize. It's good you're working on it, but you cannot expect her to be able to handle your panic attacks, emotional issues, or meltdowns. She cannot handle her own emotions when she is stressed, so she really cannot handle yours. You can't look to her for comfort, so you're going to have to learn to self soothe or find other means of support.

Secondly, you need to work on respecting boundaries. This is how you build trust. For example, she specifically told you she needed a certain amount of time to mentally prepare to see you. You didn't follow her wishes. That's violating a boundary she set. If you can't respect the simple boundaries like that, how can she trust you with bigger things?

You're absolutely right. I was ignorant about what PTSD is like and had no idea that I would cause such a strong reaction. Its hard not to beat myself up over it. I can only hold out hope that I'll get another chance. Everything was going great until that week when I let my fears control my actions. I feel like a shut out would have happened sooner or later, but I wish it had begun on better terms. After this turmoil you can bet that her boundaries are now my top priority

 

[EveHarrington]

...more attention?

Is not what we need.

My guy figured out pretty quickly that it’s best to disengage and my therapist agrees this is the best course of action so that I can have time to self-regulate on my own.

We are working on a new system using traffic signals (via text). Green means all is good, yellow means whoa slow down, if this continues a block is coming, and red means stop immediately, a block will happen. Yes it may seem cruel to be blocked but it is the best system we have so far as the block is not cruel, it’s not abandonment. It’s done to help ensure that I stop and go self regulate. (Of course I hate it in the moment, but I agree it’s for the best when I’m of stable mind.)

I share all of this to let you know that you’ll have to figure out what works best for you. I’m INCREDIBLY impulsive and will fall off the cliff in 2.5 seconds. My guy doesn’t take my episodes personally, and I think this is key. He knows to just let me go and I’ll come back (I always do).

I suggest that you read as much as you can about PTSD, and then read some more.

Is she willing to get treatment? I advocate for anyone with ptsd who is in a relationship to either currently be in treatment or to have already gone through treatment. Without treatment, unfortunately PTSD tends to not get any better, that is when it’s causing problems such as this.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

...more attention?

Is not what we need.

Yeah, when she was upset with me she talked about how I need attention and she can't provide it. When I had her misdiagnosed as depressed I gently suggested trying therapy, talked about how it had helped me through bad times. She's considering it I think. I wouldn't want to be any more stern about it, wouldn't want to take away her self control.
If things get better, I'll certainly have to discuss some ground rules with her, so I know what to do and what not to do. The problem is that she hates talking about her condition in any way, says it makes it worse. Maybe if we had managed to better discuss things this wouldn't have happened. She had seemed so happy and calm early on that I didn't take what little she said seriously enough. Won't make that mistake again.

 

[EveHarrington]

I fear for the future of your relationship as it really does take effort on both sides when one partner has ptsd. It’s not fair for you to be doing all the work while she just stays in denial/ignore the problem mode.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

I fear for the future of your relationship as it really does take effort on both sides when one partner has ptsd. It’s not fair for you to be doing all the work while she just stays in denial/ignore the problem mode.

I know. All I can hope for is that she'll be more receptive once I get to see her again. She barely spoke a word to her therapist as a teen and hates the idea of going to another. She makes really good money but still has her parents insurance for another year. I feel like that's her barrier, apparently they had a hard time paying it off from before. I wish I wasn't the only person in her life concerned about this. Her friends are nice people but seem to write it off as depression, same as I did before.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

You're absolutely right. I was ignorant about what PTSD is like and had no idea that I would cause such a strong reaction

With or without PTSD your ignoring her boundaries I think it’s fair to be upset even if she didn’t have PTSD. It’s major red flag territory you’re proving you don’t listen to her or accept her boundaries. What if it’s another boundary you don’t understand or won’t accept. You see how scary this is for us?

The problem is that she hates talking about her condition in any way, says it makes it worse.

You’ve been going out for what 3 months? This is the reality of the situation you can’t force someone you barely know to get treatment you can’t force anyone to get treatment. PTSD doesn’t really do well untreated what you’ve seen so far? this is probably the tip of the iceberg. You yourself have mental health issues if she doesn’t want to get treatment she doesn’t have to. Are you honestly ready for this? I probably sound incredibly harsh but you’re talking like you’ve been married 3 years not dating for 3 months. When was the last time she even spoke to you? Like a month ago?

My panic and paranoia at the thought of losing her made me arrive an hour early.

I see you using your own mental health issues as an excuse to ignore someone else’s boundaries

In my own sad drunken idiocy I sent a novel of a text.

Again excuses and ignoring when she says not to do something. Red flag!

realize now that I probably shouldn't contact her at all until she contacts me.

She literally told you not to do stuff but you only believe it now you read it here? Just respect women! When they say don’t do something just believe them.

She never took her house key from me, so I'm holding out hope. After all, if it was over she would say so right?

Not what I would do if I was in her situation. You’ve made it plainly obvious you don’t respect boundaries and can’t take no for an answer. As a survivor I would be very alarmed and scared about what other no’s you choose not to respect. I’d probably ghost you and change the locks.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

That cut pretty deep. I completely understand that I messed up badly, and I'm not trying to use my own problems as an excuse, because trust me I've been very down on myself over what happened. I didn't even realize I myself needed help until some very recent self reflection, with her help actually. I've never been in a relationship before due to being a survivor myself. She was the first to ever hear my story. I'm only human and make mistakes. I regret posting here. I've already told her that her happiness is a priority over mine and that if she ever wants to leave, that's absolutely fine. I'm far from possessive.

 

[EveHarrington]

Her happiness is a priority over yours?

This sounds codependent.

 

[Hojay]

@concernedboyfriend, don’t regret posting here. It’s alright. I don’t see your story any differently from many others who’ve come on here who suddenly realize the gravity of the situation. None of what you did sounds malicious, and in any non-PTSD relationship, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. It sounds like you acted to the best of your knowledge.

That said, you seem to be taking on a lot of responsibility here, along with fawning over someone you barely know. It’s not your job to get her well, nor is it your fault that she is unwell (no matter if you made a few wrong moves here.) If she can’t co-create a relationship with you, she’s not ready. That’s neither under your control nor your fault. I would recommend some emotional distance for yourself. The last thing you want—even if this relationship comes to fruition—is being emotionally emeshed in any shape or form.

 

[concernedboyfriend]

Her happiness is a priority over yours?

This sounds codependent.

I've always had that problem. Even with friends I'm that way.

That said, you seem to be taking on a lot of responsibility here, along with fawning over someone you barely know. It’s not your job to get her well, nor is it your fault that she is unwell... would recommend some emotional distance for yourself. The last thing you want—even if this relationship comes to fruition—is being emotionally emeshed in any shape or form.

I have this unrealistic complex about wanting to help everyone. It's hard to shake and I know its not healthy. As for not knowing her for very long, it stings. Never seemed like something that matters to me. I often get very empathetic with random people I meet, buying food for homeless and that sort of thing. It's something she likes about me. I've been trying to create some emotional distance, but it's pretty difficult. Don't know how to do so except with time. Its been 3 weeks since the shut out