Undiagnosed Short Introduction

[UpsideDown]

I'm not officially diagnosed with PTSD, but something is definitely going on.

I was never outright abused. There are many signs of emotional neglect throughout my life, and many times have I been emotionally or financially dependent on people who would bend over backwards to find excuses to blame me or not take me seriously.

• If my parents understood the problem, they were supportive. If they didn't understand it, they typically dismissed it or turned it around and found a way to make it my fault or my responsibility to solve on my own.
• I was bullied for a few years and retreated into my own world, and even when I moved to a different school, I didn't know how to be part of healthy school life anymore. I'd learned that the real me was unacceptable, and I had to hide it away at all costs to avoid social punishment.
• Mental health professionals and various people in supposed supportive positions have consistently underestimated how much I struggle, because I apparently don't look the part. I don't care to count how many times I've been held accountable for such assumptions; often by trained professionals.

I'm in my mid 30s. It wasn't until a few years ago I realised I have trauma. A lot of things suddenly made sense. But it hasn't presented a clear way forward, because I'm still quite isolated. Objectively I should be fine, but I never learned how to socialise properly, and I have a history of very few positive social relations. Being close with anyone feels overwhelming, yet being without close relations is suffocating.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I don't really know what I'm looking for, realistically speaking. I just know I have to do something, and this is the first step towards seeing if that something might be hiding somewhere on this forum. I'm tired of looking through "normal" profiles on "normal" social sites, because the conversations never go anywhere, and that leaves me feeling dejected and unwanted, if not downright defective. I guess I'm hoping there are people here that "get it", so I don't have to explain and justify every single thing about me that doesn't align with conventional expectations. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and weighing every word to avoid being being pigeonholed as one or another detrimental label.

I guess I'll end the introduction here. Any suggestions as to threads, resources, direct messages, etc. are welcome. I'll try to look through the forums and see if I can participate. I just never felt comfortable injecting myself into other people's conversations, and for too long have I relied on others coming to me.

 

[Riley Jones]

I'm not officially diagnosed with PTSD, but something is definitely going on.

I was never outright abused. There are many signs of emotional neglect throughout my life, and many times have I been emotionally or financially dependent on people who would bend over backwards to find excuses to blame me or not take me seriously.

• If my parents understood the problem, they were supportive. If they didn't understand it, they typically dismissed it or turned it around and found a way to make it my fault or my responsibility to solve on my own.
• I was bullied for a few years and retreated into my own world, and even when I moved to a different school, I didn't know how to be part of healthy school life anymore. I'd learned that the real me was unacceptable, and I had to hide it away at all costs to avoid social punishment.
• Mental health professionals and various people in supposed supportive positions have consistently underestimated how much I struggle, because I apparently don't look the part. I don't care to count how many times I've been held accountable for such assumptions; often by trained professionals.

I'm in my mid 30s. It wasn't until a few years ago I realised I have trauma. A lot of things suddenly made sense. But it hasn't presented a clear way forward, because I'm still quite isolated. Objectively I should be fine, but I never learned how to socialise properly, and I have a history of very few positive social relations. Being close with anyone feels overwhelming, yet being without close relations is suffocating.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I don't really know what I'm looking for, realistically speaking. I just know I have to do something, and this is the first step towards seeing if that something might be hiding somewhere on this forum. I'm tired of looking through "normal" profiles on "normal" social sites, because the conversations never go anywhere, and that leaves me feeling dejected and unwanted, if not downright defective. I guess I'm hoping there are people here that "get it", so I don't have to explain and justify every single thing about me that doesn't align with conventional expectations. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells and weighing every word to avoid being being pigeonholed as one or another detrimental label.

I guess I'll end the introduction here. Any suggestions as to threads, resources, direct messages, etc. are welcome. I'll try to look through the forums and see if I can participate. I just never felt comfortable injecting myself into other people's conversations, and for too long have I relied on others coming to me.

Welcome to myptsd.com, a space where you can find understanding and connection with others who are navigating similar journeys. It sounds like you've been through a lot and are now taking courageous steps towards healing, and that is something to be proud of.

Emotional neglect and the feeling of consistently being misunderstood by those who should have supported you can have profound effects, and it's important to acknowledge those feelings. Many members here have faced similar struggles with isolation and social challenges, so you are not alone.

On the forum, you'll find specific sections dedicated to discussing various aspects of PTSD and CPTSD, including threads about emotional neglect, complex trauma, and navigating relationships. Engaging in discussions where others share their experiences might help you feel less isolated and more understood. Participating in these conversations, even if it feels unfamiliar at first, can be beneficial—small steps are key.

Remember, our community here is based on compassion and understanding; you won't have to constantly explain or justify your feelings, as many will already resonate with your experiences. While the forum is a great place for support, seeking professional help alongside this can provide additional guidance tailored to your needs.

Take your time exploring the forums. Even just reading other people's stories can start to offer comfort and insight. When you're ready, personal messages or more direct interactions with members might help foster the connections you're looking for.

We’re glad you’re here. Be gentle with yourself in this process; healing is not linear, and you’re making important progress.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure what I'm doing here. I don't really know what I'm looking for, realistically speaking.

Looking for answers? Help? Assistance? Time in the trenches? Practical advice/experience?

Objectively I should be fine, but I never learned how to socialise properly, and I have a history of very few positive social relations. Being close with anyone feels overwhelming, yet being without close relations is suffocating.

When you respond… differently… to most people in the same situation? That’s HIGHLY indicative of something else being in the equation. Whether that’s something like trauma (changing how you are innately) -OR- the way you’ve always been (indicating an innate disorder/condition/personality/circumstance)? Is worth exploring. Because reinventing the wheel is just stupid / wilfully ignorant.

What you’ve described above, to me, sounds more like this has always been “you”. Responding differently as expected. Rather than being a sudden change in your life. Is that accurate?

PERSONALLY? I have ADHD, which means “my people” near always respond differently. As we only make up 4-6% of the population. So I’m used to being different. ALSO? I have PTSD, when me/myself/I “changed” from who I was, to who I am. Being comorbid? Also makes me a BIT quirky, as I no longer “fit” in either my 4-6%, nor the apex 20% I landed in. I’m an extreme, in an uncommon. And all of that is before adding the unique soul/personality/ME into the mix. Shrug. Comorbid anything means never quite fitting in EITHER subgroup, which already doesn’t “fit”.

 

[UpsideDown]

Looking for answers? Help? Assistance? Time in the trenches? Practical advice/experience?

Ultimately I'm looking for community; for feeling like I belong somewhere, or being part of a group I feel comfortable with. But I find that unrealistic, hence my vagueness.

What you’ve described above, to me, sounds more like this has always been “you”. Responding differently as expected. Rather than being a sudden change in your life. Is that accurate?

It has not always been this way. I'm on the spectrum, so I've always been a bit different, but not to the point of feeling detached and separated from everyone around me.

(...) I no longer “fit” in either my 4-6%, nor the apex 20% I landed in. I’m an extreme, in an uncommon.

I can relate to this. I don't know how many times I've been paired with others on the spectrum, only to feel like the odd one out among the odd ones out.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m also autistic, traumatised. My ability to take care of my basic needs and take part in “normal” life is greatly dependent on my environment. Becoming aware of trauma really threw a spanner into things. Same with a big change like moving house (even apartment within the same complex). Stress levels low, functioning better, stress levels high, functioning worse. Externally but very much internally, too. It all contributes to the stress cup, which is already easier to fill when autistic. Has anything else happened change wise in life recently?

I understand the feeling of having to tiptoe around people, the way I think, people can inject a lot of assumptions and intentions which weren’t there into our interactions. It helps to have people in the know. You may or may not relate to being difficult to read, too. Flat effect kind of thing.


Common phrase here is “take what’s useful, and leave the rest” so commenting on other’s stuff is pretty free-range. I tend to keep to myself but I have become more comfortable contributing over time. Sometimes there is discussion, but disagreement ≠ argument.


(I would type a little more but I have not got time…!)

 

[UpsideDown]

My ability to take care of my basic needs and take part in “normal” life is greatly dependent on my environment. Becoming aware of trauma really threw a spanner into things. Same with a big change like moving house (even apartment within the same complex). Stress levels low, functioning better, stress levels high, functioning worse. Externally but very much internally, too. It all contributes to the stress cup, which is already easier to fill when autistic.

Very relatable.

Has anything else happened change wise in life recently?

Quite the contrary. Since I burned out (clinically) from stress, I've taken time to myself, and that's probably how I became ready to take this step. It also highlighted my need to reach out, because with very little social life, I can easily stay cooped up in my flat for days on end, and while I have a hard time "feeling myself", there's no doubt I'm suffering from loneliness. The problem is that every time I reach out and feel like I don't fit in, I end up feeling like I'm proving the little voice in the back of my head right when it says I'll be alone forever. I know with my common sense that's not a valid prediction, but whichever part of my brain handles catastrophisation doesn't seem to care much for common sense.

I understand the feeling of having to tiptoe around people, the way I think, people can inject a lot of assumptions and intentions which weren’t there into our interactions. It helps to have people in the know. You may or may not relate to being difficult to read, too. Flat effect kind of thing.

Oh yes. I'm very honest, and I hate deception. Apparently that's so rare that many read into it and start thinking I'm lying or giving bad excuses, and I take that very hard. And the more spent I am, the flatter my affect becomes. And there are many types of situations where I have yet to find a "suitable face".

Sometimes there is discussion, but disagreement ≠ argument.

That is good to hear. I enjoy sharing and learning about different perspectives, but I have little patience for arguments.