General Should A Carer Work? How Much Time Should We Give?

[Sunshine71]

Hi fellow careers

Looking at my subject heading I feel that we should give all the time that is needed. In the real world with bills, work, your own self esteem and children too it isn't easy.

My husband has PTSD and more. He is a great guy but this has turned him into someone I dont even recoginse at times. The stress, self harming, hallucinations.... lead to a heart attack last year. He is just 38.

I took time out with him from my work (I am self employed) we needed it although financially its not good. I continued to work after 6 weeks or so - from home but its very time consuming and I have to focus.

Am I being selfish? Should I take more time out for him? He has found a new hobby that we are hoping will turn into a career and he really enjoys it. But after 14 months of counselling (with a break after the heart attack) he seems to be feeling worse again with feelings of self harm too.

Do I carry on? Do I stop? I do feel that I need something but maybe not as much as I am currently doing.

Thanks for reading and I look forward to hearing from you and hope that this will help others too.

 

[Sterre]

This must be really hard for the both of you.

I don't know what I would do, I can only imagine how torn you must feel between the obligations of the real life things ( bills, self esteem from work ect.) and the support/care you want to give.

Personally I would go for the best solution in the long run of time. Having financial troubles creates a lot of stress too, and not working can make you feel more isolated and exhausted. It could drag you down.To be able to provide good care, you have to take good care of yourself too, and maybe your work and paying the bills is a way for you to take good care of yourself.

It's not selfish to stay strong and healty, mentally and physically.

 

[Toria]

Hi Sunshine, I'm so sorry to hear you've got such a tough decision to make. Personally, my job is my lifeline. It gives me "me time" and like Sterre says, it stops me from feeling quite so isolated. Rob (my husband) is self employed and things are ok but not work-wise for him and I've noticed that money worries make things a lot worse for him than just his normal day to day worries - so I guess you have to weigh up which would be the lesser of two evils. Obviously you don't want to leave him on his own if you think that he could hurt himself, but equally you can't stay at home for ever.

Sorry - not a lot of help!

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi there Toria and Sterre - I am sorry I havent replied for so long. Many thanks for your help.
I have kept going for my own sake really but not sure if it is the best way to help my husband. He has slumped back again and we are struggling. I am checking through the forum to see what advice has already been given.

Many thanks again

 

[Brontie]

There has to be some kind of balance or you could end up ill too which would put you both in a very difficult situation financially. Taking care of yourself is not selfishness it’s self-awareness. Knowing what you need and how to get it taken care of is just as important as helping him. My own experience, the short version, soldier hubby, injured, three kids, doing everything for him until a nurse told me off, and told me not to do everything for him or he won’t do anything to help himself. Be kind and gentle and understanding but firm.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much Brontie. I dont feel that I do everything although looking at it I do a hell of a lot! I will give this some thought. Thank you.

But take for instance the past 2 days - they have been hell. Its terrible to even be in the same room. His face changes and I feel helpless to help. I try to give him space and then give him a hug. Nothing works and nothing is right.

We had a super few days and it felt like the husband I used to have. Now a huge slump back.

I am not able to work today - too worried and shaken up.

Thanks so much - of course sorry to hear how this is for others too though.