should I slow things down ?

[Lavenderlady11]

About two weeks ago I met this guy I really connect with on a dating site we have been texting ever since I think he really likes me he always sends me a good morning text and a good night text I told him I'm not ready to meet in person yet cause I have social anxiety
He was cool with that we have a lot in common and just seem to click if I say something like I had a bad day or something he says I'm sorry he almost always asks how are you at least once a day these past few days things have gotten more steamy texting me he told me a few days ago he had a dream about me and I asked him do you remember the dream ? he said I do . Then I asked him to tell me about it he said well... it's kinda dirty I told him I'm kinda curious he then asked if I wanted the pg 13 without a lot of details or the x rated version I wanted all the details so it took him awhile to finish writing out the dream and it was very detailed not gonna share that though at the beginning of our texting relationship I asked him his intentions what he was looking for he said long term relationship and I told him I was looking for the same no games we seem to be on the same page but I'm starting to wonder if he really wants to just hookup which isn't what I want He calls me sexy sometimes and we have talked about things we like sexually but I just thought we could have some fun talking but I don't want him to see me like a one time kind of girl I want something meaningful with him should I just change the subject if he wants to do anything relating to sexual conversation ? Any advice would be great ! Thanks

 

[somerandomguy]

To me it sounds like he's trying to take your relationship to the next level.

What do YOU want? Are you interested in a sexual relationship?

 

[LuckiLee]

IMHO 2 weeks is way too soon to be talking sex and fantasies. You should be getting to know each other on a basic level at first. If you're uncomfortable and ask him to stop and he doesn't... There's your answer. It comes down to respect. A gentleman doesn't act like that in the beginning of a relationship. It should be friendly and even flirtatious but shouldn't make you leary. Follow your instincts.

Edit. I say all of that ^^^because it's over the internet. I'm not a huge fan of dating sites or whatever. Face to face is different.

 

[Lavenderlady11]

@somerandomguy Well yes eventually I do want that but I want him to respect me and gradually move into the other stuff if I could do sexy texts without him losing respect and wanting a real relationship I probably would .

 

[grit]

He won't respect you unless you respect yourself. Talking about fantasizing including you without even meeting is not a way to start a healthy, mature and long term. Depending of course many things I do not know about you. Boundary is real thing and important...and this sounds like maybe you need to look into patterns you connect with others.
If you want casual and sex, this is great way to get that out of the way.
Be clear about your intentions at least to you.

 

[Friday]

Until you meet in person, even if both of you have the best of intentions, it’s ALL just a fantasy. What you imagine he’s like, what he imagines you’re like. There’s an actual person on the other end (probably), but it’s 99% in your own head.

That’s what a lot of people love about online relationships... most of the thrill, none of the reality. It’s not a new thing, people have had pen pals and erotic pen pals as long as there have been quills & ink.

The problem with that, now? This is where your head is going...

but I'm starting to wonder if he really wants to just

Your Anxiety, self doubt, Mindreading, & hyperanalyzing is kicking in. Which means the “point” of keeping it online (to avoid social anxiety) is no longer valid. You’re not having fun anymore, and you’ve lost your self confidence. You’re spinning yourself out wondering what he really thinks/feels/wants, what you should do/say/think/feel.

Which means, to my way of thinking, either meet the guy or break things off with him. There’s no longer any upside to keeping it solely in the realm of the imagination. Because your imagination is kicking you in the teeth. If you’re actually looking for a long term relationship? In real life? Meet him. See if he’s someone you might like a 2nd date with, or will be leaving before the cheque on the first date. Or if you want something purely online, and in the realm of the imagination? Do that. In either instance, people abound who want the same thing. It’s “crossing the streams”, half in half out, real vs imaginary, where things get gnarly.

 

[FauxLiz]

if I could do sexy texts without him losing respect and wanting a real relationship I probably would .

@Lavenderlady11 I don't know you, you don't know me and well honestly you don't know this guy either but IME you can't have sexy online and platonic offline, it is just too many mixed messages.

I say this because I am struggling with a similar situation. Just started seeing someone (3 dates so far) and we started to go down that road, flirty teasing texts, innuendos in our conversations and right in the middle of this I have been doing CPT work on a stuck point regarding my being worthless and unlovable. Talking through that with my T I realized that our text conversations have been going down a familiar road with a pattern of either A) quickly accelerating flirty, sexy to sexting online conversations where I feel objectified and question if sex is all he wants or B) starts getting flirty one or both of us pull back ask to slow down and when he agrees I mind-read and think he doesn't like me, I am not worth him putting in the effort, and I tank the whole thing without any actual discussion of the issue with him.

I can't tell you what to do only tell you what I am doing and that is reaching out to him to have a discussion when I return from vacation (I have been limited contact with everyone since early Oct and return this weekend) and figure out if we are both okay with slowing things down. I would really like to kiss him again when I see him next but that is all the further I am ready to go for now and what could be a while based on what I am dealing with in therapy.

 

[PreciousChild]

First of all, best wishes in the process of online dating. I met my bf that way, and I feel very lucky. But I spent years without much success, and some of it was quite, quite disappointing. I think the biggest source of the disappointment is the fact that you become emotionally invested in a relationship or the possibility of a relationship, but then you find out that the other person did not have the intentions that you thought he did. I think @LuckiLee and @Friday are totally right on when they wrote

IMHO 2 weeks is way too soon to be talking sex and fantasies.

Until you meet in person, even if both of you have the best of intentions, it’s ALL just a fantasy.

The most frequent mistake I made was to make assumptions, but you really don't know who is out there. It seems to me that the man you're texting with might not have the best of intentions. I just wanted to share a few experiences that might be relevant. I dated a few "players" as I learned and they texted every morning and night, and took me out to super nice places. They actually pay a lot of attention to you in order to keep them on your mind and to try and reel you in emotionally at which point they can control the situation. I have thoughts about why they want the control, and it has to do with their own emotional dysfunctions. Another time, I dated a pathological liar. After sweeping me off my feet, I learned later that almost everything he told me was a lie. I think he was deeply disturbed. But at the time, I had no reason not to believe what he was telling me and most people give pathological liars the benefit of the doubt. My point is that with the lack of context or social acquaintances, you just cannot have any idea about the person you're texting. And if he's already started sexualizing the conversations, that is to me a bright red flag.