Relationship Should I Still Have Hope?

[KateK]

My boyfriend broke up with me via text last Monday. We had been together a few months and we were great together. He had let me know that he has PTSD from time in Iraq and I accepted that and said that I wouldn't give up when it showed up. Things were perfect. He talked about the future, things he wanted to do with me, plans that just instantly included me. He texted all day, and even got sad if I was busy. His friends loved me and said I was the only girl he's been serious about in the years they've known him and they'd never seen him like that. They'd kick his butt if he screwed it up. He let me know why he'd never find someone like me again, how long he'd been looking, and that he refused to settle for less. He met my parents and they all got along incredibly well. We moved forward with him meeting my kids at his request, despite my gut feeling it was too soon. The first interaction was great. Then I started noticing some PTSD symptoms. He mentioned wanting to see someone for help. My son was diagnosed with asbergers syndrome literally three days after we broke up, which makes so much sense. When they met, he had a hard time connecting with my son, and seemed bummed that it was difficult. He also started getting upset and overwhelmed by noise, messes, and things out of his control. He became more distant, but let me know he was working on some things he knew he needed to fix and that how he felt about me hadn't changed. He started acting suspicious, googled me, watched my chat times, got very upset when I forgot to tell him I sold a bottle of hated perfume on ebay. But we talked through it. We hosted a huge Thanksgiving meal for his marines that went really well, except for the mess giving him anxiety. My kids were tough for him at that point, so I limited their interaction from then on. He distanced more, started making statements that sounded like he wasn't sure about us. I asked if he needed to be alone for a while and again, he said no, he wanted us to work. He planned on being with my family, who adore him, on Christmas, then taking me to Ohio for new years to see his old roomate. He also had dinner with a close friend who had been to Iraq with him. He had been saying he missed this friend and that he was the only person who understood what he'd been through. That dinner was when he stopped seeming like he wanted us to work. He had surgery a week and a half ago, and I went with him. He had to be non-weightbearing for two weeks, so I filled his freezer with frozen meals and we planned on me helping him survive two weeks of no activity (it made him anxious and frustrated just to think about bedrest). Surgery was great, and that evening he told me how much he appreciated me and how thankful he was for me. Then his 12 hour pain block wore off. We ended up having our first huge fight the next day. Something was wrong (I'm a nurse ) and he needed to call his surgeon. He made a half attempt, then left it for hours. Got mad when I pushed, and more mad when I said if he wasn't going to take care of himself, I didn't need to be there. He turned off, got very mean. The surgeon called and said he had to come in. He asked me to drive him. The doctor found his bandage had cut off circulation and compressed nerves. He changed it and we left. He took a nap while I finished up cooking frozen meals. He woke up cold as ice, told me he wanted me gone hours ago. I said ok and asked if we were breaking up. He said don't be ridiculous, he needed space for a few days. I texted four days later to ask how his follow up went. He said great. Then texted he could tell he can't make me happy and he was done. He listed traits I have never had, like he forgot who I am. I tried to reason, until he said he can't do the kid thing. I said OK and left it alone. He immediately untagged himself from all pictures and deleted me from FB. I wrote an email I elected not to send, but accidentally sent it while trying to delete it (because not enough was already wrong. Stupid.). I texted once on Thursday to tell him I finally received my son's diagnosis (we'd talked about the testing), and that the reason he couldn't connect with him was the same reason none if us can. That other people's kids would be easier. And that was it. Where we are feels so wrong. Breakups happen and I get sad, but this one is the first that makes me feel like...this isn't supposed to be over. He stopped being social with our friends around Thanksgiving. Stopped being himself. Stopped being excited about anything. The holidays are also especially hard on him since he lost his mom to cancer a few years ago. I don't know where my boyfriend went, but this isn't him. He hates lies and manipulation, and prefers to talk things out even if they aren't fun talks. We even had a conversation where we marveled at how stupid it is that people can't break up like they care about each other. Our friends agree something is way off. We are all giving him space. I am not going to contact him, but I keep hoping my gut is right and he will wake up. I'm hoping there's hope.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello friend,

I'm sorry to hear about all the things that have happened. I can tell that it's very difficult on everyone involved. :(

A notice that when it comes to PTSD, the holiday seasons are probably the worst time for many individuals with PTSD for the reason that it means many, many hours of interacting with people and pretending things are okay, on top of just general stress due to the high-energy environments. On top of the fact that he just had surgery, I'm not surprised that he acted very snappy. It's not a justification, but it's an explanation.

While he may come around, he may also not. While somewhere in your gut you may want to believe there is still hope, don't hold on to the ultimatum that he absolutely will come around. Because there is a possibility that he won't. PTSD is a very complex thing, as are people in general.

Have you been hanging out with other people? Sometimes in periods of distress and heartbreak, it's hard not to internalize and wallow in these feelings. It's important to speak and hang out with friends and family during these times and make sure you take care of yourself. Your sufferer may be going through periods of distress, but always know that it's important that you put on your own oxygen mask first. :)

 

[boodle]

Dear Kate,

Your story resonated with me so much. I really do feel for you. While I perhaps am not able to give you advice at present as I am in the middle of dealing with a situation myself, I can give you my wholehearted support. I'm thinking of you. :hug:

 

[KateK]

I'm trying to stay distracted. I have my kids and I work out a lot. Family is here for the holidays, so I'm spending time with them. I wish I could say this didn't suck a lot of my joy out of the holidays, but it did. Figuring out what to do with his Christmas presents hurts. So does thinking about the plans we had. We were talking about New Years right up to surgery. He told me I'd have somewhere to wear a fancy dress I'd been wanting to wear and kissing me at midnight. I'd been trying to give him a pass on Christmas, because I could see how much it hurt him but he wouldn't take it. I knew we had things to work on, but I was really happy. I liked being with him. I liked him. I liked us. And I'm so mad that every time I checked in, he lied. I gave him so many opportunities to tell me he wasn't happy. At Thanksgiving, he told our close friend that I was the perfect girl for him. Two weeks after that it was over. I am having a lot of difficulty accepting it. I could see him changing. But I don't know what I did. He told me I was clingy and had too many emotions and he couldn't relate to them in his last text. I was never clingy. I have my own life and interests. He was clingy but it didn't bother me. And before our fight he complimented me on being able to tell him what l was feeling and talk about it calmly. I was sad when he told me he was struggling after Thanksgiving but we talked it out. Towards the end, I could tell my optimism was no longer appreciated so I tried to hold back. I know I'll never understand. Maybe it was never real. I don't know any more.

 

[KateK]

My prior relationship ended in my 5th miscarriage and my ex dumping me the next day and never talking to me again. I went through therapy and found out I'd chosen a text book narcissist as my partner. I was finished dating, but months later went on a dating website just because. The guy in my post found me and we emailed for a few days. Then he got quiet and I forgot about him. I deleted the account and got a notification that in the interim, he'd messaged me. Whoops. I had just signed up for a free site and thought it'd be great if I found him on there. Wouldn't you know his face was the first to pop up. We met and hit it off instantly. He knew about my past, the miscarriage, and how my ex left. He even sent me articles on determining if someone was a narcissist, so I wouldn't be scared to date him. He told me he had PTSD. But greatly under exaggerated how it manifests. He said he'd get sad and curl up in my lap. I feel totally sucker punched. And I miss him.

 

[KateK]

We were so disgusting that when we broke a wishbone for fun, the middle just dropped out, and we were left with equal sides. And he went from that guy to the guy who told me to back up and get away from him or I'd really see his worst side. That's not him. And I feel helpless. I still have his house key and he has a few little things and owes me money for things he needed after surgery when he couldn't get to the ATM yet. I am not going to contact him. I know chasing him won't help. And he probably changed the lock and blocked me everywhere anyway.

 

[Newtoptsd]

This is the hardest thing anyone can ask you to do but you have to try ....please try not to go over and over analyse everything he's ever said or done, doing this drives you insane. When these thoughts come about try to shut them out! Have you done research on PTSD? I read a fair few books, came on here and listened to a lot of podcasts which done give you all the answers but it really does help understand certain behaviours.

The best thing you can do for yourself and him right now is just to look after you and plan your days without him in it and the next few weeks, take it a day at a time. There is a term called isolating and emotional numbing .... when a sufferer is in this phase the best thing you can do is leave them to figure it out. The holidays are the worst time for sufferers, I know that everything is so uncertain but this is the nature of being in a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD. Your relationship will most likely never be on one level for the rest of your life, there is going to be many many more of these moments. You have to take on the tools of how to handle these moments/phases and the biggest tool you can use is the 'look after yourself'. You need to be able to live without them but the fact is you don't want to. If he comes around then in the future you'll be able to know you can live without him and you'll be fine!

My vet split with me last week yet spent the day and night with me yesterday because he relapsed ... he said today we are still over even though yesterday he was asking me if I loved him and was deeply affectionate. I have to take what he says about splitting as bible otherwise I'd drive myself crazy ... so this week will be spent with friends, working out, baking ... doing all the things I love and I will have no contact with him!

Sending you virtual hugs ... I know how hard this is!!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I'm trying to stay distracted. I have my kids and I work out a lot. Family is here for the holidays, so...

So sorry KateK, I know that it must hurt very much to be in a situation like this. If it helps putting his emotions into context, think of it this way: Have you ever found yourself in a time in your life where you had chore after chore, assignment after assignment, obligation after obligation and no matter what was happening, you felt that if one more goddamn thing was placed upon your shoulders, you were going to punch a hole in a wall? Of course, you never actually planned to punch a hole in a wall, but you sure as heck wanted to. Take that emotion, now make it constant in day to day life. It can get very overwhelming, and sometimes, in order to distract yourself from that feeling, you'll try to revel in as much positive planning as possible. You'll highlight the positives. You'll plan cheesy events. You'll feel so hightened for one split moment, until something even more stressful falls on your shoulders and totally botches all desire you ever had for anything positive ever - simply because something terrible happened after they felt happy. It's much like how you're feeling right now - this heartbreak feels like it sucked joy out everything, like you've been lied to.

He probably was happy with you, truly - but the stress of that surgery and all the follow up that came with it probably made him feel bitter and upset. When you're depressed and exhausted, you don't want to put in any effort at times. You just want to sit down. You want to sleep. You want time to just stop for at least an hour so you can goddamn breathe. But this is the real world, and that doesn't happen. Anxiety sucks, and he was afraid of having no control over specific situations. Remaining calm in a weathering storm is terrifying. You could be fine. Or your captain could smash the ship into a rock and kill you all. In fear of the latter, you eliminate the problem entirely by jumping off the boat, even if the likelihood of the ship being fine after the storm is more likely. After seeing the latter appear in traumatic events, jumping off the boat is more preferable than even the slightest chance of the latter happening.

It sucks - it really does. In times like these, you have to just hold on. He may come around after realizing jumping off the boat was a stupid idea - who knows? All you can do is do your best, and know that you are still loved regardless of what happened.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'm sorry things are going so badly for you @KateK. This sounds like typical PTSD lashing out behavior. You may not have been together long enough to see it yet, and the first time is a shock.

We can't tell you to have hope or not. He could have been 100% serious when he broke up with you. Nobody has anyway of knowing if he is isolating or not, even though some sufferers use it as a coping mechanism when they're overwhelmed.

What I can tell you is this... this is going to be typical behavior. I have been with my combat PTSD sufferer for years, and I, as well as many others on here can tell you that this is how your relationship will be.

 

[Sighs]

My daughter has high-functioning autism. My partner has PTSD. I live with my vet interstate from my daughter. She can't alter her behaviour to take account of his needs and he can't alter his behaviour to take account of her needs.

 

[EveHarrington]

You were in the honeymoon period.

It isn't a matter of this "not being your boyfriend".

Your boyfriend is all that you love AND ptsd. He is the whole picture. It's not a matter of the bad side going away so you can have the real him back. It's ALL real.

Since you have a special needs child I urge you to step way back and really think about this. You're not just asking any old guy to potentially step into the role of step father to a special needs child. You're asking a guy with a serious disability of his own to do this.

 

[KateK]

I'm not asking the bad side to go away. I'm hoping he lets me back in, and if so I can work to learn what he needs and how to handle it better. The way he told me his PTSD was (sad and in need of my lap while he gets through it but not destructive or mean or violent) is not how it actually is and I was naieve and totally unprepared. He may be in denial about that, or not realize it, or he may not like the reality and hide it. I don't know.
As for my child, you know nothing about him or how his asberger's presents. It took 10 years to diagnose because from the outside he just appears to isolate himself and be socially awkward, and can be a bit self-involved and/or egotistical. He doesn't play sports. He is pretty fixated on Lego. He's also polite, empathetic, thoughtful, and has great manners. It was not understanding him or being able to bond the way he planned that bothered my ex for whatever reason. He was more triggered by his marines spilling on his couch than he was my son wanting to stay on his tablet while we went off-roading. My non-special needs daughter also triggered him by putting a fingerprint on his car window. And his father triggered him by existing during the holidays instead of his mom. And his best friend having dinner with him and having gone through the same things, and later when he noticed he'd left another fingerprint on his car window. When it started happening, had it not been those things it would have been others. I understand that now and that he needed reasons to make me go away that made me the bad guy so he could be totally alone and not miss me or regret what he did right away. He couldn't talk to me about it because it might invalidate his proof. Deep down, I think he knew he was going into this with or without me. Without is probably a lot easier.
I didn't need or ask him to be involved with my children. He convinced me over multiple conversations that he was just waiting on me. And I made it clear I was not looking for a father for them. And prior to the marines, he worked with men who had more violent forms of autism and still talks about how he enjoyed it and how that kind of work was good for him. He stopped because there was no room to advance and it didn't pay well. He didn't know asberger's was even a thought, just like the rest of us didn't, and that piece of information changes even how I think about my son and interact with him. It would have given him an answer and he wouldn't have felt like such an intolerant asshole. It makes a lot of things that didn't make sense suddenly clear. I wish I had connected the dots for my son a lot sooner, regardless of my ex's involvement.