Should I Tell My Partner I Was Abused?

[Sammyiam]

I have been married 28 years, and it took eight years to come clean and tell my husband about my past. We had two kids by that stage and I just couldn't hold everything together any more so it was a sort of a forced tell my husband, not a maybe shall I tell my husband. None of my birth family still no about my past, and my two grown up children have just been told this year. When I look back the only thing I would change is, I wish I had never told any names, as some only live 15 mins away, pretty much in the same town ...... That's really hard for him to deal with when he sees them most weeks. He just wants to go in and really harm them so to speak. I have found his support over the last 20 odd years of knowing to be the one thing that has probably saved me and why I'm still here.

It's like a two edged sword, it cuts both ways..... There are good points about him knowing and there are bad points about him knowing. I suppose that's just like life in general isn't it.

I wish you all the best in what you decide, but I would take it slowly with how much information you let out, and keep yourself safe by only letting bits out as you feel it's ok to.

Once it is said you can never take it back.

Take care

 

[scout86]

@Seagreen , I kind of lack that words to express this, I think. But, think of it as a gift.The gift of yourself. Given freely and with no reserve. With the other person coming across the same way. No element of "using" at all. 100% "giving" in BOTH directions. IMO, that's what it SHOULD be.

I guess that doesn't have to mean a long term relationship either. It could be a one night stand that's nothing more than fun, but for BOTH parties, not just one. Not one person wants sex and the other feels they "owe" it to them, or something like that. Even playing field for all concerned.

 

[Kefira]

I express and experience love in many ways, but I do not associate it with sex at all.

I so understand this. I also am really bad at working through this particular issue in my relationships. Something that I decided for me though was that I would tell a potential partner as early as felt. Partially because it's more likely to cause issues including self doubt etc on their end the longer it goes on with them in the dark, and partly because how they react can tell me a lot. After several relationships where the other party was very unsupportive or manipulative due to disclosure of my condition, there are certain reactions that either point to the fact that I should end the relationship outright or indicate I should attempt to educate and keep a close eye on it.

On the other hand, if they are supportive, then you can start discussing your goals and needs as comes to intimacy. So even though it can be an awful conversation to have and it can go horribly wrong, I guess I count it as a good thing. But take that with a grain of salt because I'm also really disillusioned with relationships at the moment and am completely unwilling to waste my time wondering if I'll be accepted and worrying about what happens when I let the other person actually see me.

 

[Bonsiren]

It's my own policy to start early and start vague, since I was diagnosed years before I started dating. "Hey, you should know, I have PTSD." I do it around the first date. The rest of the details come when I feel like sharing them. Thus, my current partner has always known.

@Seagreen Point is: yes, I do think you should tell him--when you're ready. Like I said, I find it the most comfortable to just start vague. "By the way, you should know that I have PTSD. I was diagnosed in therapy x years ago." The rest of the details can come when you're ready.

You should never feel obligated to partake in intimacy that makes you uncomfortable. While I think it is a good idea to at least reveal your diagnosis, I also believe that you can just take his hand and say, "I've been too embarrassed to say anything up until this point, but sex is uncomfortable for me." If you're not ready to talk about your PTSD, at least talk about your sex life. You and him both deserve to be open and honest about sex.

There are many things I've learned about PTSD over the years, but one of the most important ones is that victims have a tendency to blame themselves for being "out of control." There's this mindset that "If I were in control, I would've never let it happen," like it's somehow the victim's fault (it's not). Unfortunately, this means the situations in which we have no control are the worst--and that includes sex.

When and if you're ready to continue your sex life with him, something that worked great for me was taking control of sex. Lie him down one day when you have time and explore his body. Talk to him. It helped me to explore my partner before I let him explore me, so that I knew I was in control. And he knew what we were doing and what to expect. Feeling in control kept my anxieties away and allowed me to enjoy it, which is something I--and you--deserve to feel.