Relationship Should My Hubby Have A 'girl' Friend????

[Sunshine71]

Well it doesnt rain it pours eh.....

My husband is suffering badly with his PTSD - he has a new found hobby that he aims will turn into a business as he is not able to return to his previous career.

He has met a younger woman on the course and swears that there is nothing in it - she is a good friend and she is helping him feel better in himself. She doesnt know of the events and PTSD.

I have found emails that I find un acceptable & flirty - she has even said that her partner doesnt know about their friendship and she is texting him in secret. His reply was "naughty you."

I have not got sucker written all over my forehead. I am not accpeting this while I stand by and do all what I can to support him in getting better.

Am I over re acting?

Is it fine that he is looking up for pubs to meet her at (she has something of his that he left behind during the course they attend yesterday - he rushed out as he was having flashbacks in the class)

Should I 'let' them have a friendship - although I know it develop into more.

Should I put my foot down and say no more - you should be looking at places to taake me your wife of 18 years!!! I know that the stress will be horrendous for us both with me doing this and could lead to more lies.

Thanks for reading and I welcome any advice - maybe you too have sadly gone through this?

Its a horrible situation - We are so close (I thought) - I never thought he would get involved with another woman.

Thanks for being there - Sunshine x

 

[Toria]

Hello Sunshine - I'm not sure I'm the best person to be dishing out relationship advice... but something that first hit me when I read your post was the thought that your husband might be looking for something (or someone) in his life that doesn't know about his PTSD and therefore someone that he can be "normal" (sorry - hate that word in that sentence but can't think of a better one) with - with no PTSD history, PTSD baggage etc.

However... that said... I personally don't think that his behaviour is acceptable. Again it comes back to shades of normality - I don't know how his mind is working right now and it could all be inoccent in his mind (if not necessarily in hers) and I would agree that you question his morals would or certainly could cause a big emotional mess.

Does he talk to you about her? If he does is he quite open about her? If so, perhaps you could suggest meeting up with her and her husband as a two couples. This would show whether she is prepared to bring her husband in to the equation and whether he is being open with her about you.

I don't suppose that helped in the slightest but perhaps this will (((((big hug))))

 

[PerfectEmpire]

This is complicated and I urge you to see a counselor or therapist for yourself. I'm assuming your spouse is already in therapy. I do not think you are overreacting which is why I think it's so important that you seek outside help before things escalate any further.

Something to consider:

If you were to permit this sort of behavior what message would that send? "I don't care about you enough to help set clear boundaries for you at this time." Remember, he is suffering/struggling with PTSD and might not be able to see things clearly right now. He needs your help to set clear boundaries, and guidance to behave constructively rather than destructively. This is [probably] a very sensitive time in his life and he [likely] needs you more than ever.

If you decide that you will not tolerate this behavior and behave in a volatile manner and threaten to leave, what message would THAT send? "I simply want to control you and do not want to have to put any actual work into salvaging our relationship."

BUT...

If you decide that you will not tolerate this behavior and behave in a mature, constructive manner and ask if he'd be willing to attend a few therapy/counseling sessions as a couple so you both could gain validation and clarity, what message would that send? "I love you and care about you and we will work on this issue together." Bonus: If you seek additional individual therapy/counseling for yourself regarding this issue, you will be conveying that you are not flawless and are willing to put in the effort to work out not just your marital problems but your ability to take care of yourself and/or him.

I wish you all the best. I hope it passes over with minimal destruction.

 

[complexmind]

Hi Sunshine....

From a guy's point of view, it's not acceptable. I have dealt with the same stuff and the same excuses. I agree with Toria. I guess there IS a 'need' to be/appear 'normal' to someone but that in reality is denial/numbing.

There is NEVER an okay reason for a spouse to seek fulfillment from the opposite sex outside marriage. We all (sufferers/carers) are built with a need to be attractive to, wanted by and respected by the opposite sex and because of that we are all vulnerable to an extent. But there are boundaries. You are not overreacting. This issue seems to be a common thread in every marriage I know of where PTSD has come to the surface. I think at the root of it the sufferers can't bear the thought of being to burdensome or hurtful to someone they have pledged their life to so they would rather detach and re-attach somewhere else.

I know in my own marriage we have the 'dance' where I say something like 'I am craving intimacy (not sex) with you' but instead of hearing me say you fulfill me like no one else can my bride hears 'you are not working hard enough to fix our marriage' or 'look at all that you have done wrong that has broken our marriage' and then feels the need to punish herself and believes I feel the same way. She will relay that broken thinking (her point of view only) to someone she trusts, who simply believes what they hear from her because they have no reason to doubt it. The friend is disgusted by what they hear her saying I am doing to her and begins to reinforce the broken thinking in an effort to encourage/protect my wife and then before long it is TOTALLY out of control and I am unfit to live with....all because I said I love you and I want you. If the friend happens to be male....well...you can imagine how that would go.

I don't doubt you have experienced something similar as have most if not all people that are in marriages where PTSD has been revealed. Understand that the sufferer is not the real problem. They are a victim of broken thinking brought on by the PTSD. It's like being a marionette with strings that no one can see....not even the sufferer. The unfortunate truth though is until the sufferer and the carer are able to get to the point where they completely understand that the PTSD (the puppeteer) is victimizing them both through no fault of their own, the tendancy is to play the blame game.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much for your amazing replies. I feel very lucky to have found this group.
As you can tell this has all flared up today.

I talked with my husband and said that I do not feel that the situation is acceptable - flirty emails, going out - the meet ups were innocent and I believe this - However we are not going out!! I said that I will stand by him and help him with the PTSD - be his friend, wife and lover. However I am not sitting back as a friendship with another woman grows and so the decision is his to the path he wishes to take.

If it was the other way around I would have no respect for someone who sat back and allowed me to continue in this way with another man.

I did suggest we all meet - he says that she is scared. I know relaised that it is him who was scared.

He met with the woman today and told her that he doesn't not want to email her anymore and they are not going to meet up for their course work anymore. He likes her and they will talk in class.
You are quite right - This is someone who he felt he wasn't a burden too and doesn't know about the PTSD - and he admitted that he did start to have feelings for her.

So we will see what happens next......

I am more sad that he had to take a lorazapan though to get through.

Thanks again for your amazing support and kind words.

I welcome any other feedback.

All the best xx

 

[Tosh]

I am probably not the best person to be giving relationship advice, but here I go. When there was this girl trying to make a play for my boyfriend a couselor told me to "drop in" unexpectedly and often and watch their reactions. If they become hostile towards me, the girl makes snide remarks, the girl dresses up when seeing him, they stop their conversation when you walk in, heavy flirting, you know the drill, etc. Then she needs to go because she is in it for more than just friendship.

 

[BigBear]

He is playing a risky game. I've done it before. Fortunately, my wife talked me out of it.

I now have a very firm rule! If my wife doesn't hear it (or plenty of people that she knows) I won't say it to a woman. If I email a woman, then she's copied in. [meaning of course anything not business]

Bear

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with this.

The fact of the matter is for me, I have often played this lady's role. I was told from a young age that I was destined for home wrecking, and when I went through some angry phases of my life, this is what I did. I was usually in a place where I hated romance and found no value in relationships, so I couldn't even feel sympathy for the women I could have hurt. I've broken up two engagements without so much as kissing the man, just because I was stirring trouble and offering an attractive alternative to relationships that were clearly under pressure. I am not proud.

I can tell you that this behavior sounds like it's straight out of my book, so I am glad that you put down your foot. It is entirely possible that she too was scared to meet you. I know that the only reason I got away with what I did was because the girls weren't people to me. They were the idea that created the forbidden fruit attraction. If they became real, I would probably stop out of shame. I don't know her, but I (sadly! Again, NOT proud) sympathize with her reaction to that suggestion as well as her inappropriate behavior.

I think you took a big step in setting boundaries. I am concerned about you being possibly demonized, and if you see this affectation, I think you should address it with your husband. It is NOT OKAY for you to be the bad guy. You gave him the choice, so don't let him blame you in any way. If my SO was doing this, out of my great fear of abandonment, I probably would have been out the door without a note after catching the first offense. I admire you greatly for your strength, maturity, and commitment. Applause and hugs.

 

[NIKI]

I'm so glad you didn't let that behavior continue for one more minute. No good could have come from it for you. Good for you, for standing up for yourself and letting it be known that you will NOT be treated like that. EVER!

 

[Nicolette]

My only comment is to trust you gut.........

“If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck”

 

[valdoodle]

I empathise with you Sunshine 71. Good on you for standing up for yourself! It is awful to be in such a position and I totally agree with Nicolette, trust your gut. Your feelings were right, he was starting to get attached (or manipulated?). Bravo for dealing with it so quickly and definitely. I hope you can both keep the stress this must have brought to your household to a minimum to keep down the PTSD. I wish you both good luck and understanding.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks again for all of your honesty and feedback.

Well sadly I have seen that he has marked her details on his mobile phone as 'Hidden'. So we will have to see. It is a new phone and while looking at it I accidently called her twice.

I REALLY did not mean to - I didnt talk as I panicked and its gone 11pm. I just cant sleep.

The Lorazapan has wiped him out and made him odd and forgetful.

A new councillor tomoroow who wants him to re live the accident and has warned that he will find this tough.

I know he is truly sorry - I now have to see that he keeps his word and he keeps to not seeing her calling emails etc.

In over 20 years (and we just 40!) I would never have dreamed that I would have to check up on him like this. I am not liking this, however I am not going to sit back and have the p*** taken out of me.

Lets hope that this is a bump that will make us stronger.

I will let you know and continue to welcome your feedback.

Thanks again to everyone. And I hope that can help others too xx