Relationship Should My Hubby Have A 'girl' Friend????

[complexmind]

Well said PerfectEmpire. Maybe the most wisdom I have seen here yet.

 

[complexmind]

Anything that is not totally open and transparent in a marriage is manipulation and borders on emotional abuse. A marriage is based on love trust and honesty. Spouses make solumn vows pledging their lives to on another....no matter what. There are no escape clauses or waivers in those vows. Truthfully it disgusts me to see how trivialized the sanctity of marriage has become and how it has somehow been distorted to give license to so many gut wrenching and agonizingly hurtful things. Makes me nauseous. What have we become? May God have mercy on us.

 

[complexmind]

...and feel free to flame away for that last post. I know how to use my delete key.

 

[BigBear]

...and feel free to flame away for that last post. I know how to use my delete key.

Yep, better flame me too!

Bear

 

[The Albatross]

I haven't shared much, my last traumatic break was due to spousal dishonesty and a "relationship" with an anonymous (to me) woman by email and sexual with holding... in my case though I had never had cause to do so before, I checked his history, and told him how important it was for him to tell the truth. My spouse chose to lie. three times, and my boundary was to make an appointment with his mentor, our pastor, or do not come home.

My spouse is no different than anyone else I set a boundary with, if I set the boundary it will be tested. I am fortunate that he is open to counseling and professes to be a "man of faith". We went through 14 weeks of counseling together and were mentored independently. He has a block on his computer, that was voluntary. The point is, that if/when he chooses to stop working together, I show him the door. I know it's a risk, but it is to me a necessary one... anything short of monogamy is a deal breaker.

Because the dishonesty in my own case would have affected any response, I waited, and am glad that you've got a lot of sound advice. But I do set and enforce boundaries. Come what may.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks again to everyone for their replies and honesty - and kind wishes :O)

Dear Inordinate - thanks for your view point. I am not a jealous person - I appreciate the replies and feedback and of course you are fine to say that as we dont know each other!

I was saddned, angry and disspaointed that while I am tired and giving my husband massages to help calm him down, holding the fort £'s wise, working, sorting out solictors, doctors, counsellors I discover that my husband of 18 years is saying to another woman "You are my ray of sunshine", looking up pubs to meet her in, making her details hidden on his mobile phone and deleting every email.
The she is texting my husband and her partner (and father of her son) doesnt even know they have a friendship or have been going out to study together.

I suggested that she came round. An email to her from him said "If the time is right" Not when but IF.

I know its an escape. I know its fresh and doesnt remind him of all what we are dealing with.

However it doesnt make it right.

He admitted to me that he was getting feelings for her.

I am not going to sit back and not say anything while their 'friendship' grows. I will support the man I love and will do all what I can however this is un acceptable. It was growing into more than 'just a friend'

Well lets hope that it is behind us now.

He is not seeing here again - especially as he relaised that this is extra guilt that leads to more stress and PTSD symtoms.

I have always encouraged him to go out and follow his dreams too.

We need for us to have fun and certainly not have fun with another woman while we just deal with all of the s***!!!

Thanks again - this forum is helping so much.

Much love to you all.

Sunshine

 

[Sunshine71]

Well.

My husband had another bad night and felt very tired. Last night he asked who I was :O( (Pls see another thread!!)

Instead of trying to just get on with my work I locked up my home office and said "Lets go out for a walk" He didnt want to of course but I wasnt taking no for an answer - I wanted to help break him free from this state.

We walked in silence for a long time.

He then said that the siuation was playing on his mind re this other woman. He adores me, wants to be with me, be married to me and spend our lives togther. He also likes her as a friend and would still like to drop her a line as she has been a great help on the course they are studying.

I feel that I may have re acted differently if I didnt have the support from this forum - so thank you :O)

I said again what is un acceptable - keeping messages hidden, arranging to go out, lying to me.

I know that I have no right to tell him who he can and cant be friends with.

So he is going to keep her as a friend - no secret texting etc. He is going to suggest that she tells her husband and invite them round to our house.

I would love your feedback!!

I hope that I have been supportive - without being walked over. I hope that I have been assertive - and responded out of love.

PTSD - another symptom of this to contend with :O(

With love and thanks to you.

Sunshine x

 

[Sethe]

I would be wary, but open to the experience. I, too, had an ex who 'flirted' with other women online. He always kept his computers (yes, multiple) locked and would become startled at times if I dropped in his office suddenly. So, the situation has me a little leery.

If he honestly wants just a friend, then let him. Well, it's his choice anyway. I would keep an eye out though based on past behaviors.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm conflicted by this. In my case, it was non negotiable, end it or end our marriage. I was not going to try to deal with my own difficulties (ptsd/depression) and be left wondering if he was holding up his end and doing what he professed to me. Either sit with me in counseling over the attractiveness of online women as a form of avoidance of whatever is missing in our relationship, or out the door you go.

I have been through an awful lot with my spouse, I was not willing to continue a pattern of dishonesty, and turn myself into a basket case of stress wondering what my husband was doing. My message was, partner with me or hit the road and don't look back.

What came out in therapy was interesting... in his mind his sexual avoidance was a "noble" thing... he thought he used these behaviors to not pressure me about sex, which for me is painful. But when he examined it, he saw for himself that he was actually abandoning our intimate connection and satisfying himself with lust. I'm two years and a few months past my last tramautic break now... and some things are better, I still don't know if I really trust him though. I do not check his phones, but I do check his history from time to time. It was part of the agreement, to provide for my sense of safety.

He can come over to my computer and check my history and emails whenever he wants, I am an open book. No secrets from my partner. I like it that way, even it is tempting at times... like some of the things I write here about my feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

It came out, too that he viewed me as emotinally unavailable... and I am taking steps in therapy to remedy that. I also wanted to say that his pattern of dishonesty up to this point had centered on financial issues. I saw this as a transference of compulsion and a continuing of dishonesty. My husband has transferred addictions/abuse... three times. Alcohol, then compulsive spending and finances, then the forray into online "relationship" and internet porn.

We got a lot out of counseling though it was difficult for both of us.

 

[AngelaMarie]

Well, my deal with my husband is we do not have friendships with the opposite sex. Let's face it...we all have bad days. Times come where we are open to making mistakes we may feel for our entire lifetime. Some things are not negotiable to me. One of them is my marriage. I urge you to quit making excuses for him. It really doesn't help him or you. When I read some of your post I am surprised that you have dealt with this situation this long. Please, do what is right for you. You deserve to have respect, peace and happiness.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks Anglea Marie - No excuses from me - and this all came to light less than a week ago when I reached out to the forum as I couldnt go on with it.

We both feel much clearer and for the past few days our relationship & his mood have improved - and the PTSD symptons have decreased.

I dont know the answers or how long the good mood will last - I do know that he does deserve happiness and he is very clear as to the way forward togther as well as gutted about letting this friendship start to turn into something it shouldnt.

Thanks guys and will keep you informed as well as appreciate the support :O)