Sexual Assault Should We Always Simply Say 'yes'?

[Meadowsweet]

And if they got informed advice, that would be great, but the threads that bother me are those that say 'yes' to pity and don't give advice that could help that person change what is going wrong in their relationship.

My point here though, is that sometimes stepping back and giving a moment to assess a situation, is more constructive. Facing the fear by diving in and saying what you think, because people may feel they are chicken shit if they don't, isn't necessarily the best thing to do.

 

[ill]

@Hashi, I was specifically referencing the thread that prompted this one, wherein a woman asked if she was sexually abused after having said no multiple times, but I can think of one other post that featured a woman (girl, actually) saying no to something sexual, not having her no respected, and then having multiple people here tell her that it was no big deal.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/did-...i-sexually-assaulted.44367/page-2#post-711904

 

[Hashi]

Thanks, @ill. I just happened to see that thread myself, and then I understood what you had meant in this thread.

 

[anthony]

and then having multiple people here tell her that it was no big deal.

I don't think anyone was telling the member it was no big deal. That is your interpretation, and not factually what was stated in that thread. What she experienced was no doubt traumatic enough to warrant discussion, but it comes back to... is every person raped / sexually assaulted with every and any bad encounter they have?

I read once a woman who claimed her husband raped her. Ok... no worries there. As she gave more specifics, her claim was based after the fact she found out he was cheating on her, and what had happened was being a horny husband he was trying to get in her pants one night, she gave in saying "no, let me sleep" and let him go... and then went to sleep. She used that premise of saying "no" from its original context to justification for claiming rape.

Firstly... that sounds like nearly every marriage of middle age. Secondly... she did this after the fact of finding out he cheated on her.

I read this long list of replies from other women about how sorry they are for her, how dreadful, blah blah blah... all yes statements in support of what was not even close to rape and clearly diminished actual rape victims experience. The one referenced above was a bit more blurry than my example, as there were elements with forcefulness within it, no question... but there was no rape (admitted by poster) or sexual abuse and IMO, she cheated on her boyfriend, was not sexually assaulted, and now is struggling with that after the fact. Everything is just not always, sexual abuse. Things are not always that cut and dry.

My point is this: People do things and then feel guilty, so they go looking for a reason to remove or minimise their guilt.

This does not mean there are not elements within an event that are abusive in nature, but does that warrant putting them into such strong categories? This is no different than the PTSD debate, in actuality. People think, and are even told they have PTSD from moronic therapists, because they had a relationship breakdown. They had a big screaming match, threw things at each other, the kids have left and their world is turned upside down... but does that mean they have PTSD from experiencing normal aftermath symptoms which will go away and they get on with life? No... one because it doesn't meet criterion A, and two because it is all normal, not abnormal trauma.

People are becoming more nansy pansy (weak, timid and scared) day by day, of saying what they mean versus trying to constantly people please and fit in with their immediate peers. Honesty went out the door to social policy and the attempted desire to please everyone other than oneself. This flips vice versa for sympathetic plea's. People put on such masks nowadays that it wears them out in the privacy of their own home that they fall down and need to chill-out from basically presenting someone they aren't. Goes hand in hand with marriage being a word, a cool trend for a year or two, versus a commitment nowadays.

Stepping off soap-box now.

 

[ill]

I don't think anyone was telling the member it was no big deal.

My "no big deal" comment was in reference to the other thread I'd mentioned in my comment, not the one that sparked this thread and that I linked to.

I think "no" is pretty cut and dry. I think when someone says no, repeatedly even, during a "sexual encounter" (unless it was previously agreed upon role-play) it is sexual assault/abuse. I think disrespecting someone's no, especially in such a high-stakes context, warrants a strong category. I understand that you disagree, but I don't care. There is a spectrum of abuse, just as there is a spectrum of trauma.

When I say take people at their word, I am specifically referencing their boundaries. When someone says no to a sexual encounter, assume they mean it. When you read the rules of a forum you're signing up for, expect that if you don't adhere to them, you will be banned. If you ask to enter someone's home and they say no, do you force your way in? No? Why is that?

I'm writing this to clarify my own words, but I have no interest in arguing about this any further.