Shouting out loud about how i hate myself

[Tinyflame]

Sorry @Suzetig cross-posted with you also. Yes.

 

[Sandstone]

Anyone you know from the past who expressed those words/attitude towards you?

Not really. The attitude is pretty much my normal one to myself when I need motivating.

I used to work in an industry where it was pretty normal for a supervisor to walk into the tea room and hurl someones work to the floor, shouting that they could forget having a break until they had redone it all. I was quite surprised when I changed trade and my manager seemed not to think that people should feel bad about themselves if they got something wrong.

I don't see it as self harm, more as propulsion

 

[illusionist]

At times, I do this for exactly the same reason.....to motivate myself. It pushes me on, and then when I've achieved my aim I give myself a pat on the back and verbally, out loud, tell myself how good I feel for the achievement.....crazy or not, it works for me in a positive way.

 

[shimmerz]

The attitude is pretty much my normal one to myself when I need motivating.

And if you had a small child and you were attempting to motivate that child would you use your ex-bosses strategies? Motivation works best, imho, when given positively.

I don't see it as self harm, more as propulsion

I used to be the queen of this type of propulsion. I became my own best abuser. Took me years to break this. It is hard to do.

I used to work in an industry where it was pretty normal for a supervisor to walk into the tea room and hurl someones work to the floor, shouting that they could forget having a break until they had redone it all. I was quite surprised when I changed trade and my manager seemed not to think that people should feel bad about themselves if they got something wrong.

Supervisor 1 is displaying abusive behaviour. Manager is displaying motivational behaviour.

 

[Sandstone]

Having stopped and thought about it overnight, my first inclination is to ignore all this and stick my head back in the sand. Ignoring most of what happens is a good way to stay stable. Yet it doesn't fix stuff so ...onwards. Yesterday I was skating over the surface of thought, not really engaged

I realise that the conversation about motivation is a red herring. I wasn't thinking " I need to do this, how can I get myself going?' I was doing it, and continued to do it. What was going on was an automatic output of violent self loathing.

it sounds like you were triggered.

I thought about that even before I posted yesterday and couldn't see what was triggered. Taking a definition that something resembled a trauma enough to put me back in a past state I can't identify anything. The precipitating incident was me trying to fit more into 14 minutes than I knew could be done - trying to do the impossible. Around that, I was feeling bad because I hadn't done my routines for weeks. That doesn't sound like any Trauma.

Anyone you know from the past who expressed those words/attitude towards you?

Not really. I t was very much my mother's attitude to my father, and I think she projected a persona of regarding most people with contempt. Some of the language, and the whole rant thing was my father. I didn't grow up seeing models of self control when it came to expressing negative reactions to others.

Self harm

I would verbally, psychologically hurt myself so no one can see it and ask questions, to keep some control over my emotions, which is definitely self harm-like for me.

On the few occasions I've physically self harmed it has been a calmer, more considered action. This felt out of my control. I can see what @Suzetig is saying though. Keeping away failure and despair by being angry at myself. Even then though, that virulent, violent rant felt "other"

f you didn't realize what beliefs you are holding under the surface they could affect you without being able to identify them so easily

when I think, "It's the right thing to do", "right" probably has weight/ 'proof from what I've already believed or sized up from the past & present.

I didn't get what you were saying till this morning. I can see the internal logic that would hold since I'm useless and have no right to exist, then I should stop myself existing That could be very seductive. I wonder if these are beliefs I really hold.

Seeing it written down and arguing with it helps take some of the power away

Readers can skip this bit, it's just me trying it out
stupid- A First Class degree would argue not, maybe just unable to focus because of distress/hypervigilance etc
useless, - often true at the moment. I have no real functional purpose
idle - could be reframed as needing time to recuperate, but that only washes for so long
selfish - I can't begin to judge. Even being "generous" often has non-altruistic motives. I think I'm actually quite giving, but also self centred.
you can't even do the simplest thing - Yes I can, some of the time
Smelly, - yes, I don't wash as often as I should
ugly - subjective, possibly misogynist
failure, - sounds right by most criteria. Except I have a good immediate family
fat - Clinically obese BMI 33

The outcome seems to be that I use fairly valid criticisms of myself

My mind is running on to "self indulgent, attention hogging, prolonging this thread just to keep the focus on you" I started writing this quite calm, and am now a bit agitated, and appalled I've spent nearly an hour on it.

 

[Rumors]

So, what if you screamed out the exact opposite of what you feel like you are?
Scream "you smart, sexy, fun, loving, deserving hunk of woman" I am certainly not making light of how screaming at your self out loud impacts you, however even if you say "Opposite Day" first just yelling words with positive meaning may make the impact less. It could even stir a chuckle. I think saying negative things about yourself out loud is damaging and needs to be addressed. I hate that you believe those things... You deserve more. Sending you loads of strength.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Readers can skip this bit, it's just me trying it out
stupid- A First Class degree would argue not, maybe just unable to focus because of distress/hypervigilance etc
useless, - often true at the moment. I have no real functional purpose
idle - could be reframed as needing time to recuperate, but that only washes for so long
selfish - I can't begin to judge. Even being "generous" often has non-altruistic motives. I think I'm actually quite giving, but also self centred.
you can't even do the simplest thing - Yes I can, some of the time
Smelly, - yes, I don't wash as often as I should
ugly - subjective, possibly misogynist
failure, - sounds right by most criteria. Except I have a good immediate family
fat - Clinically obese BMI 33

I know you said readers could ignore it, but there were words there so I read them. When I started learning a lot about challenging negative thoughts and distortions, I was taught to start small and with something I can actually believe. Here are a couple of examples for you:
useless- I am not completely useless because I (do help with cleaning at least sometimes, I help provide feedback on the forum, I talk to _____ when they need to talk, (insert anything you do no matter how small you may think it is so long as it counteracts the totality of uselessness).

failure- I think you have a good start with this one, only I would get more specific or add any other little success such as earning a first class degree (which I think is what you were implying in the first one- I am not familiar with that term)...

stupid- I am not stupid because I have a first class degree, I know how to read and write, I am able to recognize signs that something is bothering me (such as this self-loathing rant situation),...

And just an fyi- just because I am not challenging the others does not mean that I believe them to be true, I just wanted to give a few examples of how I might word things in case it helps you. I am not saying that this magically solves everything, but it's a step in a better direction for me.

 

[Suzetig]

I think it's great that you've given yourself some time to look at this, not selfish or attention seeking at all - I can see how you "think" you use mainly valid criticisms, what I'm wondering is whether you would criticise others in the same way for the same stuff. Let's take "idje", I think you've been fairly dismissive of your need to recuperate. You've been really supportive of others here and the reality is that sometimes PTSD makes us want to withdraw and hide. Not laziness, but a need to withdraw and feel safe. You would accept and support someone here who said that about themselves, but don't give yourself the same acceptance. I'm not judging you for that at all, I have exactly that problem myself (and what I'm saying may be more about my stuff so if it doesn't fit, please ignore).

I agree with a previous poster, I think something has triggered you, not necessarily a previous trauma but something that's taken you to a part of yourself that you don't accept or feel good about. For me that's a very young part of myself, it may be different for you. For the record, I don't think you're crazy, I think you're hurting.

 

[Kintsugi]

I should have probably elaborated on my experience of this a bit more. Maybe it would have been helpful.

When I compulsively shit-talk myself, it does feel very Other. I call that voice, that persona inside me, "She" and "Her." She does feel alien to the rest of me--and frighteningly developed.

One way I intuitively cope with the shit-talking makes me feel even crazier, but I do think it's sort of healthy. I yell back a lot. It really, really sounds insane, but it's kinda like:

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. You should f*cking die. No I shouldn't! I hate my life. No I don't. No I don't. I hate you."

Yeah. Welcome to Crazy Town. Population: Simon.