Shoving It Back Down Where It Came From

[Tinyflame]

Thank God for that suzie.

I think the longer one just functions by covering it up or ignoring it the more difficult and contra-indicated (to survival or happiness) it seems to be to talk about it or even think about it- if only it was always so easy.

But I have found that, when you can't avoid it, and something does come up, it's some 'detail' of it that surfaces talking, or 'telling', as it were, that breaks up or challenges a negative- fear, self-blame, etc.
(Sorry, am struggling for words).

It's good to talk about it, it's just very difficult.

 

[Lucille]

One way to look at what you are experiencing is that your body realizes you are strong enough to handle it now. You weren't for years... and it SUCKS more than anything you will ever have to go through. It's torture, but you are surviving it!! I also believe that the horrible part of working through the trauma is good because you are finally getting a chance to grieve for what was taken from you. Your body needs to detox and let all the sorrow out. It's a reflection of the pain in your soul for what happened to you all that time ago.

I can also attest to the fact that, although I'm a new member, and although I'm still in the trenches... there are already things I've conquered in these few months of therapy and a month of being on the forum. There are still some big mountains in the way, especially where my family is concerned because they were my traumatizers... But there are lots of things that have gotten better. I don't believe that I will get attacked every time I leave my apartment. If I catch myself running to get somewhere, I tell myself to slow down and enjoy the fresh air and sunshine because no one is chasing me. I've let my mother and boyfriend in on the things that are bothering me, and even though it's hard, they are starting to understand how to help support me. It's so nice to finally have that -- someone on my side. These are my little miracles.

In a way, that's what I think recovery is: a mix of small miracles and moments of epiphanies. Appreciating the beauty in life AND confronting your daemons so you can begin to put the pieces of your life back together.

 

[ClairBear226]

I think I may be one that needs to take this thing more slowly, in small chunks. The most recent stuff has been locked up for more than half my life, and some of it longer. I can't/ won't make this my full time job. I have a young child that I need to be here for, a husband I love, a job that I enjoy, and a life that I'd actually like to participate in. And within 24 hours of making the decision to squelch all that stuff I was getting flooded with, I was able to function again. So yes, there's some level of control that I have over it, and as long as I do, I've got no intention of letting it overun my life.

What I think I can do, is chip away at it a little piece at a time. Maybe it'll take me forever, and maybe that makes me the tortise rather than the hare. But I worked really hard to make the life I have now, and losing my mind and everything I love to this stupid thing is not an option. So slow and steady, it is.

I know I'm beating a dead horse too, but I still have such a hard time believing that "getting it all out", discussing the details ad nauseum, and wallowing in hell is the way to go for me. Call it denial if you want, but picking myself up and moving on worked well for a really long time. But... who knows? Maybe I'll be the one answering the same way as you guys a few years from now. Either way, I appreciate the feedback.

 

[maddog]

For what it's worth Clairbear, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to the question of how, if at all, to confront and dredge up the details of trauma. One size doesn't fit all, and on this issue perhaps more than any other, I think every person and situation are different.

I believe that in most cases, for most people, at some point in their lives, whether as a gradually evolving situation or as the result of triggering incidents or additional trauma, there comes a time when facing the past becomes necessary. Once past traumas are yanked out into the open, I think it's unlikely they will ever be completely or permanently stuffed away again.

But having said that, I suspect that for some people in some situations this is possible, and if it is your choice to do this and your quality of life can be maintained at an acceptable level in this way, then more power to you.

Whether you go "all the way back" only "part way back" or never touch the past at all, all that really matters is your quality of life and your ownership of that choice. I believe we all do what works and what we need to do to survive, and I think we should do everything in our power not to judge the choices of others in that respect.

I hope you manage to find that balance and to choose and work on those "pieces" of the past that will help you to progress without impeding your hard-fought life more than necessary. You deserve to seek and find that balance... we all do.

Maddog