Shutting Down

[Miss_Understood]

I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, I can do school work with ease, figure out problems rationally, make good decisions based on thought. However when it comes to my own emotions, I shut down. I don't allow myself to feel anything. I feel like it's weak of me to feel angry, sad and cheated. I feel like I'm playing the victim. I feel unworthy of sympathy. I truly hate myself, I can't stand to look into the mirror, I see a parasite.

A person who hurts the ones I claim to love, a person who has become so jaded, calculated and wrong.
I sit here knowing that I do this really unhealthy behavior yet I do nothing to stop it. I don't see a therapist, I don't write in a journal, I don't take anyone's advice on how to help. Then I feel betrayed that nobody helps, when in reality I'm betrayed by myself.

I know I can't go on like this, something or someone and that someone being me will break.

 

[ChibiVore]

You gotta break past the bonds that you set there and the same ones that keep you down and find that strives you to put faith in own abilities and knowledge that if you get hard headed and stubborn with self you can bash self in head and say.

"I won't let your negativity drain the life of me cause ima find the thing that makes me unique and fight and strive for it, till i can look at past self and say D: You were wrong about me body and mind i can change and stand up against all the bullshit that get thrown in my face and fight for something, i believe is the just and right thing should be doing"

We humans have such hate for self because we incomplete beings that need to find own reasons to why we wake up or worth anybodys time or air. Some use religion to complete selfs and some use work to complete selfs and sometimes people do those things to put fake sense of completness. But there are many things to fill in your heart, just gotta be willing to accept it and put heart into it also.

You really need to learn to love self and maybe some self monologue would be good own therapy for you, just cross examine self and also try to look on other side of things.

Like for example:
Hateful Me:
I hate you jack and your nose it's so big that your like toucan sam, I mean why do you wake up when all your creativity get brutally stabbed. I mean you will never make anything of self and will be an ugly hobo that people will piss on.

Objectivity Me:
A big nose ain't that bad, just can smell farther and bet mine doesn't get as clogged when having flu, and so what if people break down what I love, just shows them there true forms.
If anyone listened to negative thoughts we all be like ahhhhh don't go sailing we will fall off the earth. I know even though it seems gloomy and I look as good as pile of poo just gotta remember. That beauty is in eye of beholder and a real beautiful beholder is one who absorbs your future actions and not past mistakes and doesn't base physical looks to be only factor.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Thank you and I will try your suggestions. I do need to love myself because right now I hate myself and how can I love anyone if I don't first love myself. I've come to this realization before but then I have a few good days then I forget and push down my emotions until I have another breakdown. Right now my wife doesn't feel supported by me emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally and that is a direct result of me not loving myself. Not taking care of me before blindly jumping into helping others.

 

[ChibiVore]

Well should speak to her more and tell her that need to learn to love yourself and maybe be a greater support if she lays off and maybe provide own thoughts of what need to be done to love yourself and that might need to be a little selfish so can have some alone self reflection.

So that you can come out a greater lover towards her also when discover self and what makes you an awesome unique person and maybe give her some time to have her own self reflection, so doesn't have only have your love to sustain themselves and find what other things make her feel whole also and unique.

Because might also find a lack of uniqueness in herself, even though you see her unique talents and great things (vice versa)

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm sorry you are feeling self hatred. I did too for a long time. For me it was irrational. We all make mistakes, but self castigating raging self hatred, at least for me, stemmed from internalizing the behavior exhibited towards me in my formative years. It's genesis was there and I perpetuated it. I hope you find help here and in other healing solutions you are working with. I wish you could be gentle with yourself but I know it is a difficult thing to learn to do. It feels wrong at first, but it's right.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have times where I have hated myself that way. I was brought up to 'face my fears', not 'moan' or be a 'wimp'. So I find it very difficult to not be on top of things, and hate feeling like a victim or weakened by something that has happened.

But in my life, it has tended to invite more abuse, and eventually I've had to take responsibility for keep getting myself abused (not responsibility for the abuse itself). And it's that way, rather than feeling sorry for myself that has helped me keep going in therapy.

It's a positive step that you have taken to recognise that you are sabotaging your own healing. That is one step towards not doing it.

 

[Miss_Understood]

I had a long talk with her today. I'm taking baby steps into my journey of self healing. It won't be pretty at times, it'll be quite intense but I'm committed. I know that it's ok feel upset. It's ok to be angry just not explode in anger. I will try to read and post everyday.

Thank you for the advice and kind words. Much love to all of you <3