Cobwebs two feet from nearly every ceiling became a part of the décor and didn’t seem to bother adults much.
Very ill today with PTSD. So restless, anxious, confused, unsteady on my feet, withdrawn, irritable the works. Barely could sit upright in church. I feel like my brain and balance is all off kilter. Can’t seem to think straight and it’s taking me a long time with much diffic. concentr. to say anything or to talk with husb. and family. Getting frustrated with myself, and have had a couple little tantrum fits, as suddenly I can’t think or speak anything.
So completely sick, and angry with people from my past that pose absol. no threat to me today. Had to change plans with husb. Taking son out to movie, now it’s him taking both son and daught. out, as I feel so sick and ill-equipped to enjoy daught. Probably afraid of myself too, as it’s always easy to enjoy children when feeling well, but no so when feeling freaked out inside. Never want to,
(I do however), leave any opport. to become irritable, unavailable or upset my children as the result of my illness, so prefer to have daught. out w/ dad and brother, for now. Having diffic. being sick and being reliably there for my children too. Husb. is presently being a great support.
After lunch he pointed out an overlooked, almost invisible lrg. cobweb above our kitchen table asking if the 10 to 15 dots on it were dead flies. I took a close look, it was like fruit flies, and immed. I began dry heaving uncontrollably. For the next fifteen min. I was in the bathroom 1st dry heaving than violently losing my lunch. Sounds exaggerated, but it's not, and/or not worth mentioning but I’m doing so as I’m surprised that in addition to how I felt earlier, I was just suddenly vomiting, and there is no reason to believe I’m phys. ill, just hyper-sensitive the last 24 hrs. Experiencing some subtle flashbacks in other instances, as well as easily startled. My husb. thinks sometimes, I’m making up that I feel so terribly ill. I even start doubting whether I’m creating or inventing feeling ill or not, just to be left alone.
Recently wrote about the filth and condition of the house and people who raised me. I suppose people you live with for decades., like your mother and others who are allowed in are called family, but admitting this creates so much self-loathing, depression and anger that I won’t do it. I wasn’t anything like those people, and yet they wanted me to: “go along, to get along”, “paddle with the current, not against it,” “accept it, take it and live with it, because this is what it is, as I‘m in charge here (mom‘s bf),” “if you want off our shit list then join on in,” and other hundreds of mind-boggling messages that if I actually followed would’ve effectively killed my spirit 100%, making me no better than the worst, -that bastard who stepped in, took advantage of my mother circum., intim., threatened and took her mind and will, demolished the inside and outside of our home, before my eyes and took my mother from me and left me to fend for myself amongst complete abusive and neglectful imbeciles.
I really don’t want to have this anger, nor express it, as I don’t want to feel this way and didn’t when I unknowingly and yet successfully, disappeared into some place of mind, and for some yrs. too, much like an amnesiac, dissociative state. I don’t know, what do I know? But that I developed a personality that didn’t involve any conscious memories of my past. I lived and felt very much like a pretender, unable to believe the few occas. recollections of my past, unable to even own my name as I introduced myself from 21 on by a different similar name, but cert. not the name I heard those sicko’s abuse. Can you imagine abusing a name just by the tone of voice in which it’s said, the associations made in connection with it, the scowl and look of hatred and disgust on their faces of those using it and speaking with me. Fk them….I’m so damn angry at mother’s now dead bf and her.
Now just a little mention of the cobwebs. At one point in time and for a very long time they covered every inch of our ceilings. Now these ceilings were not the average ceilings they were either beams or insulation or black sooty plastic or the improv. was when a combo. was created. But then the cobwebs there they were 2" down from ceiling and no one the least interested in doing anything about it. Above where we ate, where we slept, sat, walked, everywhere. I routinely cleaned that house, at 10 yrs. and up, sucked up those f'n cobwebs only to be yelled at, cleaned and straight. that house repeatedly over and over, only to get f'n screamed at and threatend and all hell would break loose. Bc this house had long since been made up of complete walls, or no walls at all, ceilings and floor coverings, even the floor itself, and bc of the enorm. amounts of junk piled in it, you couldn't really clean it well, but I tried. It even became a sole aim in having surv. living in that hell-hole, but it was always met w/ much frustration and antag. abuse. The guy that did this was awful. God awful. Bc it wasn't only what he did it was the lies and manip. he used in doing it and his 100% selfish sense of accompl. afterwards, while we had to now exist in it for yrs. to come.
Hesitant to post this as very lengthy and now I'm stuck with this fear in my head that others will think I'm looking for pity, or self-pitying myself. I just want this shit out.....told......done with.......gone......accepted.......nothing but a insignif. memory that doesn't control my mind and health for the rest of my life.
