General Sick Of Him On Facebook All The Time!!!!

[NewWife777]

Hi All, I'm new to this site. My husband is a vet who served three tours in Iraq and has been diagnosed with PTSD and a TBI. We've been married for 2 months and together for almost two years. This is going to be a vent about how I think my husband is addicted to Facebook. It almost sounds stupid to say it out loud (or type it as the case may be). He is always on his phone posting to FB, sending messages on FB. He has a lot of "friends" on FB. I think one of my main issues with it is that he cheated on me with a couple of girls on Facebook. I only found out about it because I looked through his phone when he was asleep. Yes, I was that person to look through my man's phone. He had "relationships" with about three other girls. He lied to them and said that he wasn't in a relationship with me and didn't know how to update his status. I confronted him about this. He apologized, said it wouldn't happen again and we moved on. This was about 6 months ago. He has included me a lot more on his FB posts, including pictures of me, checking us in places. But there's still that nagging thought in the back of my head. I wish I could get over it, but I don't want to be that stupid again. FB is his "outlet" from reality I think. He has bad PTSD which has resulted in a strain in our relationship because he tends to be emotional abusive at times. It's just hard to talk to him. I know he is a good person, he just has a lot of issues he doesn't want to face. I love him so much, but I just don't know what to do. If I tell him to get off the phone, he'll say it has to do with work, or he's talking to family. I just want to spend time with my husband and our family without that damn phone in his hand all the time.....

 

[sisu]

First off, welcome. And I'm sorry that you have to be here - but I'm glad you are here getting support for yourself and your husband.

This post sets off alarms for me because I have gone through similar things with my ex-husband (not PTSD) and ex-boyfriend (has combat-PTSD). I never like when anyone is secretive with me when there are previous trust issues - it makes my mind wander to dark places. He needs to earn your trust back from his cheating a mere 6 months ago. Does he hide his FB from you? Do you know his password or does he leave it logged on in his phone? I am not "that" person to snoop either - but when you have already discovered evidence before, then you have to protect yourself (both emotionally and physically). If he is being open about FB and allows you to see his page if you want, then it maybe you could set time limits and seek out other avenues for him to have an outlet. Maybe he could find a hobby or garden or whatever might interest him.

I don't know - obviously my relationship failed as my boyfriend is now an ex after 3 years, so I don't have all the answers. Hopefully someone else will give you better advice. In the meantime, please take care of yourself.

Sisu

 

[NewWife777]

Hi Sisu, thank you for the response! He doesn't hide his phone and it's always logged in on FB. The thing is I don't want to look at his phone. He always tells me I can look at it whenever I want, which is good, but I don't want to have to. I don't know if that makes sense. I find myself always looking at profiles of new girls he adds or asking him what he's doing when he's on his phone. I hate it!!! I hate being so insecure. But I also don't want to be the stupid girl who gets cheated on again. He also has the ability to be what appears to be genuine and caring to his friends on facebook, but not when it comes to me. Every once in a while, he'll tell me how important I am to him, and how he knows he isn't good at showing affection, but that he loves me more than anyone. He tells me that he can't make me happy, that I have to make myself happy. But how can I be happy when he's going through so much, and he's treating me this way? I just don't know what to do.

 

[sisu]

He is right, he cannot make you happy - only you can make you happy. And you can't worry so much about him that it effects your health and well being (I know, easier said than done). You are only responsible for your half of the relationship - you just need to be the best person you can be. He is responsible for his half and he needs to be the best he can be - we already know he has PTSD so there will be differences in the halves and that is okay. YOu have to fill up all of your empty places in your heart with things that make you happy - hopefully he will do the same. And if you both do that then together you can have a fulfilling relationship.

There are a couple of books you should read - 1) The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz - this book is about love, but not necessarily just in husband/wife relationships. Its about love period. How to love, how to love yourself, how to love your life, etc. A really great book. 2) Co-dependent No More - now I'm not saying you are a co-dependent, but I think we all have some of those tendencies and when you are worrying more about him then yourself or wondering how you can be happy knowing what he is going through then you could easily slip into being very co-dependent. That won't help anyone. He needs you to be strong and happy.

I think its a good sign that he is open and offers his FB if you so choose, it shows me he is trying. Hopefully he will agree to counseling too. My ex-bf said only meds for him too and he told me counseling did not work for him. I have since learned that he is looking into weekly counseling - I'm praying he has seen the light. We have been broken up for almost 2 months and I don't see us getting back together, but counseling would benefit him and his kids which would be good.

 

[NewWife777]

It feels so good to get someone else's perspective! I have been dealing with this alone for so long! I really have been living my life more for him in a lot of ways. It does seem that I have co-dependent tendencies. I feel the need to always be there to try and fix things for him. I allow myself to be affected by his behavior so much. I will check out these books, they seem like they will be helpful. I've been trying to do stuff for myself lately, sometimes he'll make me feel guilty and says that I shouldn't complain about not spending time with him if I'm always making other plans with my friends. So I'll stop making plans and then he says I hang on him too much. I never know which husband I'm going to get for the day! It really is like he has split personalities! Thank you for your response Sisu :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he has betrayed your trust, and he is upsetting you, it is time to figure out what you will and will not accept, and have a discussion with him.

If it is more about the women he is chatting with, you have to make it clear that is your major issue. Does he know the girls he's friending in real life, or are they people he has met on Facebook? After betraying your trust, it's not unreasonable to ask him to stop friending random strange women, or to unfriend women who are inappropriate with him. He needs to earn that trust back, and he has to respect that you are upset by his behavior.

If the issue is that he's ignoring quality time with you for his phone, maybe it's time to set some boundaries about that. If you are trying to have some family time, then he needs to be present there with you, and not have his nose in the phone. That's not banning him from facebook all the time, but rather asking him to have some respect for you while you are with him. He can facebook on his own time.

What it boils down to is respect. He has to respect you as a person, and as his partner. Without it, no relationship is going to be healthy. You have every right to expect that respect from your husband.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm also curious as to who exactly these women are? Something about it just doesn't sit right with me.

 

[NewWife777]

The women were from other FB sites. Like the adult humor ones. He unfriended them. It's just hard because I know I can't ban him from FB, but I do need to set boundaries. The question is how much to throw at him at once. There are a lot of problems, but I don't expect perfection, just respect.

 

[nursenurse]

Dealing, or maybe I have dealt, with this stuff. The bottom line for me, and it doesn't have to be yours, but I'm just saying, that no matter how innocent it is, it bothers you, and instead of using that time to further your relationship, he is investing it in others. Doesn't matter how it all seems. You are newly married, and a class act guy does not do that to his girl. Now, if he has unfriended, and is not friending any newbies, you may have a guy worth giving a chance to. If he is continuing this, in spite of knowing how you feel, then you may have to re-evaluate your relationship. Resect is paramount. Good luck!

 

[Sweetpea76]

If you have a calm discussion with him when he is having a good day, you should be able to explain all of this to him. You would be telling him how you feel... which is upset and leery. You cannot demand that he stop doing anything, but you can set down your boundaries. If he wants to be married to you, he needs to respect your limits. .

 

[DMerish]

Although he's not responsible for your happiness, or you his, you're both responsible for behaving towards each other (and with other people, virtual or not) in the manner that will strengthen your bond, with the hopeful aim of mutual happiness.

You've been together two years and only married two months: many couples would still be in the "honeymoon" phase, with the guy still wanting to please you as much as he can. But some guys get comfortable real fast. That's were the saying comes in about wives needing to "train" their husbands - meaning, you need to train him how to have a real adult relationship. And some guys just don't know how, and some guys want/need to be told. There's nothing wrong with any of that as long as everyone's comfortable.

Right now, you're not comfortable. Although I agree with Sweetpea about having a calm discussion, I wouldn't wait for him to "have a good day" - Gather all your thoughts (maybe write down points on a piece of paper) and tell him you want to talk to him about something important then ask when would be a good time but don't accept a reply like, "Sure, okay. What's up?" (Getting you to talk right then and there) By putting it out later in the day or the following day at a particular time you will have (1) begun the intention of having an important talk on a point of agreement, i.e. time/day/place. Does that make sense? (2) it will cause a bit of nervous anticipation in him which will him to be more alert to what you say.

Lastly, whatever you do don't give up your other interests, hobbies, girlfriends, outside family etc. Those things are yours to keep, as long as they're healthy and don't step on his toes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think Nurse hit the nail on the head!

I think it speaks volumes that only a few months into your marriage he has shown that he prefers the company of women he only knows online to you.