Sinking Fast And It's My Fault

[Lady of Longbourn]

I haven't been feeling well for a few months. Over the summer I did something really stupid and took myself off most of my medications. I also have bipolar disorder type 1. First I had a hypomanic episode and then about a month later, a 2 week mixed episode and even now about 7 weeks later I'm still apologizing to people and still feeling guilty. Now it seems to be worsening depression that I worry will turn into terrible winter long.

All this...I just feel it's my fault. I just keep thinking that. My medication doesn't seem to be working as well either. At least two of them but I think we fixed one of them. Which can happen my doctor told me. Autumn is already a hard time for me and I seem to have just made things that much harder for myself.

My anxiety has been worse. School has been worse becasue I just can't focus.

I am unsure what to do at this point.

 

[Go Hungry]

Well.. I would see a doctor about it. I don't really know what to say that would be of any real help. I've been in that situation before and know just how overwhelming it can seem. Other than the doctor, all I can suggest is that you work on your schooling in small steps. No matter how big the problem or how far behind you are, just go at the smallest thing first, then to the next smallest and so on. That way you're relieving more stress rather than trying to juggle it all while going after the biggest thing on your plate.

(((((((Ayesha)))))))) Hang in there...

 

[roaminggnome]

Please don't beat yourself up over having stopped your medications. I have Bipolar Disorder NOS in addition to PTSD. And I've done the same thing in the past too. I think that at some point I cycle upwards with my Bipolar and feel better. Then I stop my medications which is followed by a manic phase and then a deep long depressive state. Are you able to work with your doctor to fine tune your medications? Please hang in there.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I have taken myself off of all my meds once so I understand how you are feeling. I felt like a huge burden to my therapist and psychologist because they had to fix my mistake. What I learned is that no matter how stupid you feel, you had your reasons for doing it and that is what matters.

You will get back up because I have known you for a bit now and you always do. You are super strong, even if you don't feel it now and you can overcome this.

I hope you can get a little better medication regulation really soon so you can at least get back to floating, if not full out swimming like I have seen you do.

:)

 

[whserenitynluv]

Hang in there, talk with your dr, a good thought would be. Is the feelings I have now any better than when I was on meds or worse now? Good question I had to ask myself, and my friend who has bi polar.

 

[joeylittle]

All this...I just feel it's my fault.

You didn't cause this. It's just what's happening right now, that's all. And I don't mean to minimize it - what's happening is horrible, hard nasty, exhausting, scary. Depression. Depression is a lying liar who lies.

You could need a med tweak, that's normal. Bi-polar med management is so hard, so individual, and I know the general practice is to err on the side of depression, because treating that half too aggressively can provoke the mania. I don't know if that's your doctor's stance.

Try and tell yourself that you've stood beside yourself through many struggles, and you are still here. This is another one, and you will come out the other end. If you're looking for ideas, besides remembering always to be gentle with yourself - making sure you stay invested in exercise is important. Applying whatever CBT or DBT you know in terms of skills - thought records, distress tolerance, whatever works for you. I know you're busy enough with school, but think about finding a group to go to - depression, bi-polar, any kind of curated support group. It really helps to put these routines in place - they can often slow down or even stop a depressive episode. Structure, support, skills, self-care. In no particular order.

And keep posting (goes with "support"). You'll have to make a conscious effort to not isolate - but the effort is worth it, just a little bit of staying connected to the world. You don't have to become ms. social queen - just stay connected in the little ways that are already safe for you.

Nothing is easy with Depression. I really feel for you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Go Hungry and @roaminggnome Yes, I am working with my doctor. I am seeing her every 2 weeks and we are trying to work with my medication. So far I think we have reached where we can with my medication. I am not sure where else we can go with it the same medication as worked in the best and has worked really really well.

Bi-polar med management is so hard, so individual, and I know the general practice is to err on the side of depression, because treating that half too aggressively can provoke the mania.

Do you mean with antidepressants?

 

[joeylittle]

Do you mean with antidepressants?

Exactly. Most antidepressants and some antipsychotics carry a specific warning about not taking them if there is even a chance you might be bi-polar, because for the bi-polar person they can induce mania. I think it's why Lithium is still the gold standard drug for bipolar. It most effectively functions as a true stabilizer. It can also be an effective antidepressant on its own. But, I personally have yet to meet a person with bi-polar who is not on 2-4 medications. Even the "holistic" treatment emphasizes lowering the mood first. I guess mania is considered more dangerous or hard to control than depression, which does make a kind of sense, except for the whole suicidal urges part of depression.

It reminds me of trying to balance out a very fine manual scale; you can keep adding a little bit to each side til they match, or put enough weight on one side to pull that side all the wag down, then slowly add weight to the other side to balance. The latter is more common in bi-polar treatment, and the former more common in treating depression.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You didn't cause this.

I feel like I played a major part in my current state. While I normally struggle this time a year, it was sooner and faster this time. I did mess with my medication and that was my responsibility. I know how common poor medication adherence is but I still am here becasue of me. It brings me down more. I should have known better.

think about finding a group to go to

My therapist keeps telling me that too. I am not sure how that will help. Last one I went too was volunteers but not like this where there was structure. The head guy ended up admitted he was sexually attracted to me and when I left he then started calling, emailing and texting me all the time.

You'll have to make a conscious effort to not isolate

I had to really push myself to start this thread. I really wanted to pull myself away from my doctors and both of them have commented about me not contacting them even though I've felt bad. Maybe that means I've already started isolating becasue I have noticed how little I've been posting in my diary too.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@joeylittle Yes, I know about the antidepressants. I was put on one before being diagnosed and I become manic. I actually drove that way and scary thing was years later was realizing how I could have killed someone and I didn't even realize what was happening.

Personally I find mixed states very dangerous...If that was something to pull me out of denial it was that. Of course I think it might also be a reason I am where I am...mania normally is followed by depression.

Lots of medications for me too, 6 medications for me; one is for anxiety and one is just added for antipsychotic symptoms. My medications normally work great and actually give me a life; college, marriage, daily life etc.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I see my therapist right after school tomorrow. He had some time available and I actually reached out and said something.

 

[joeylittle]

That is really, really great @Ayesha. Well done. It's awesome that you called him.

Last one I went too was volunteers but not like this where there was structure. The head guy ended up admitted he was sexually attracted to me and when I left he then started calling, emailing and texting me all the time.

Well, that would scare me off groups forever. Ugh. I think they are great if you can find a skills group, a DBT group, something with a plan instead of merely "let's commiserate". This is also where intensive outpatient programs can be really helpful. Something that lets you keep moving forward through the depression instead of getting totally stuck in it. It won't make everything sunshine and roses, but it makes taking one day at a time easier when the days have goals.