Sinking Fast And It's My Fault

[bell]

That's great that you're seeing your doctor today. And as for the medication, well, it happens. I've only gone cold turkey once and it was a nightmare, making me never want to even try it again... Maybe stopping this time and having things not be tip top is what you need to never to do it again?

And yes, starting this thread and talking about it here is a good step forward, instead of letting it all rest on your shoulders. :)

 

[scout86]

I did mess with my medication and that was my responsibility

Could we look at that as an experiment, rather than as a mistake? It sounds like you've learned, from that experiment, that going off all your meds wasn't a good idea. I'd say that's information worth knowing. How else would you know?

Meanwhile, I'm really sorry you're paying a price for the experiment! And, yet, in spite of how bad you're feeling, you're not only making good choices by asking for help, you're setting an example for the rest of us in the process. Really you are! At least in my own case, when I'm struggling with deciding to do what is probably the "right thing" to do, it helps me win the argument with myself if I can tell myself, "Self, if you'll remember, Ayesha was smart enough to call her T. If she can do it, I think you can too." (And, yes, sadly, those are the kinds of conversations that often go on inside my brain.)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I wanted to reply sooner but all the words were a big mess in my head.

Yes, it was a lesson learned, I will admit that. I needed that lesson bad becasue I denied it. I thought it was wrong. I thought the diagnoses was wrong, all I really thought was that I had PTSD and depression and that my doctors thought I had bipolar disorder but I didn't see that and I didn't agree, in fact shorty before I asked my therapist if maybe there had been a mistake. And now I see it, like it hit me in the face.

So now I think what a lot of people here on the forum think of their PTSD: "I wish it wasn't me." I think that a lot.

And now I am depressed. Right on schedule. That is my fault becasue bipolar is a cycle, maina and then you fall. I learned that I had bipolar and that was needed but I wish...hell I don't even know. I wish I could have found out some other way. But life is like that right?

Even though it was good that I found out the truth in my head, that I do have bipolar and I did need to know that. It was bad that I could have hurt someone, it is bad that some of medication is not working, it is bad the college is suffering, my home life is suffering and I seemed to have hurt myself the most. Hmm, I just admitted that I hurt myself (mentally).

 

[scout86]

That is my fault becasue bipolar is a cycle,

Is it your fault that bipolar it a cycle? It just IS a cycle, right? It wasn't like your personal idea that it BE that way, was it?

Sometimes, life is just hard. Sometimes, reality sucks. I wish it "wasn't you" too! I wish it wasn't anyone. I'm glad that you ARE you, though, because you're brave and generous and willing to share your lessons so others can learn along with you.

Hang in there! "This too shall pass."

 

[Ronin]

Seconding what they said about beating yourself up over it; don't.

It was a mistake. Mistakes happen. You learn to not do the same the next time. While it messed you up, this isn't something that's ruining you forever. Just take gentle care of you right now, get what you need, and get help of professionals able to do it.

Disorders sometime get us acting all stupid. That's why they're disorders, wreck havoc and all in life. It's not your fault you weren't thinking straight.