Sister Is Ill, But Is Also No Contact With Me

[whiteraven]

My sister cut me out of her life years ago. I never did figure out exactly why, but she cut the entire family out to start, then gradually let my brother, his family, and my mom back in. But not me. I tried to connect several times, and the last time she sent me a letter and told me never to contact her again. I saw her in June at my uncle's funeral, but she didn't talk to me, and when I tried, she responded sarcastically.

She's disabled because of her back. Lives in her own house with her dog.

I called my mom tonight because I hadn't been able to reach her today, and she said she had to take my sister to the hospital.

They found a brain tumor.

I can't stop crying. For her. And selfishly, for me because she has totally cut me off and wants nothing to do with me.

 

[Sideways]

Sorry to hear that, @whiteraven . I hope there’s an okay health outcome for her.

 

[Movingforward10]

That's very complicated. And it's so hard being on the outside of family at times like this.

 

[whiteraven]

That's very complicated. And it's so hard being on the outside of family at times like this.

It is SO hard. No one talks to me about her, except my mom sometimes. And sitting here, I sometimes think that they are all talking among themselves and keeping those secrets. Well, I know that to be true, because I have found out some things over the years.

I feel very disconnected.

 

[Movingforward10]

It is SO hard. No one talks to me about her, except my mom sometimes. And sitting here, I sometimes think that they are all talking among themselves and keeping those secrets. Well, I know that to be true, because I have found out some things over the years.

I feel very disconnected.

It highlights all you don’t have. And how important and comforting it is when people come together during a crisis like this.
I’m sorry you don’t have it. And I am sorry they are missing out on your compassion and care, and that they don’t see that.

 

[hithere]

I'm so sorry. It hurts so badly to be excluded from anyone, but especially family and when you can't think or understand why. I think estrangement is incredibly traumatic and stressful. Hugs to you. I hope realizing that her behavior toward you is about her and not about you, it's about her thoughts, your decisions, her inability to offer grace to someone. I hope you can find some comfort in the days ahead.

 

[whiteraven]

I hope realizing that her behavior toward you is about her and not about you, it's about her thoughts, your decisions, her inability to offer grace to someone. I hope you can find some comfort in the days ahead.

Thank you. I usually am able to do this, but of course, usually I'm not even thinking about her. I thought I had addressed the whole situation and was comfortable with it, but apparently I still have work to do.

I heard from mom tonight. Two large tumors that are (hopefully) being removed surgically tomorrow.

 

[Friday]

You probably have more experience than most with pushing away people &/or cutting people off who want to help. So the BEST advice I can give, from someone who is notorious from ignoring other people’s boundaries? Is to shoe & the other foot, it.

When you isolate, push people away, go no contact, etc.? That’s nearly ALL about you, right? And what you can handle. Who you can handle. How far you can go, without losing it.

Your sister, for whatever reason, has pushed you away. That’s all about her.

The people she hasn’t pushed away? Are now in this difficult dance (unless they’re assholes like me who ignore other people’s boundaries whenever I feel like it) between honoring her wishes, and your desires. Like when your mom betrays her, every time she dishes with you about her.

Being the person who is cut off / cut out? Is INTENSELY painful, hurtful, insulting, difficult, etc. Unless? You can depersonalise it. And put the shoe on the other foot, and see giving someone space as a loving act.

I’m pretty shit at that. But when I CAN do it? It helps.

 

[whiteraven]

When you isolate, push people away, go no contact, etc.? That’s nearly ALL about you, right? And what you can handle. Who you can handle. How far you can go, without losing it.

I've been thinking about this. I generally agree (in the same way I agree that our thoughts drive our feelings so it's really NOT about people making us feel a certain way), but what I hear from a lot of folks is that they withdraw because the other person is toxic. And it's almost always NOT in a "I can't handle them" way but rather in a "that is a horrible person" way. It's really hard to see that it's all about her, but I agree it is much easier to manage when I can. I think situations like the one we're currently in make it that much harder.

The people she hasn’t pushed away? Are now in this difficult dance (unless they’re assholes like me who ignore other people’s boundaries whenever I feel like it) between honoring her wishes, and your desires.

Oh yeah...I get that. Although I think in her case, she doesn't care what my mom says. At least that's what she said a long while back. She just doesn't want to have to deal with me directly.

Like when your mom betrays her, every time she dishes with you about her.

As I mentioned above, my sister doesn't care. She just doesn't want to have to deal with me. Now me. I was very clear to say that I don't want to be around when my family is opening gifts from her, and I don't want to hear about what she's up to in general.

Being the person who is cut off / cut out? Is INTENSELY painful, hurtful, insulting, difficult, etc. Unless? You can depersonalise it. And put the shoe on the other foot, and see giving someone space as a loving act.

Yeah, agreed. It's just hard. And no. Not a loving act from me, ever. I'm done with extending any love to someone who treats me like garbage without even having to talk to me.

 

[Friday]

but what I hear from a lot of folks is that they withdraw because the other person is toxic. And it's almost always NOT in a "I can't handle them" way but rather in a "that is a horrible person" way. It's really hard to see that it's all about her, but I agree it is much easier to manage when I can. I think situations like the one we're currently in make it that much harder.

I personally chalk that up to a lot of people are cowards who have to blame others for their own decisions, muddying up the waters with the rest of us, who cut people off for different reasons.

Yeah, agreed. It's just hard. And no. Not a loving act from me, ever. I'm done with extending any love to someone who treats me like garbage without even having to talk to me.

If so? Why do you care?

Seems like either you DO still care about her & want to be part of her life, or couldn’t give a f*ck if she was raped to death whilst on fire, as long as others perceive you to care. I rather doubt the second, so it seems like the first. Any middle ground I’m not seeing is still totall valid. I just don’t see it.

 

[whiteraven]

As someone said above, this is all so complicated. My sister is at my mom's, and my mom is having to run her somewhere nearly every day. The spot where her skull was removed has been leaking x3, and each time she has to go back to the surgeon. She had to go to a dermatologist today (they found a spot and also suggested she see an eye doctor, because they are seeing something there too), she has to go for mapping, speech therapy, follow-ups, etc. Several of us have suggested my mom hire someone to help, but she is not ready to do that. I'm afraid she never will be. She's 89, stubborn, and even though she knows it's killing her, she thinks having someone there will be worse.

My sister filled out a living will today, and she's designated my sister-in-law as the person to make final decisions. It angered me, then sent me into deep sobs. I really don't like or trust my sister-in-law, and I deeply resent the way she has inserted herself into the family. She buddied up to my uncle when he was sick (and imo, it was because he was rich and she wanted more of his money--he had already paid her kids' complete tuitions) and she treats my sister like she's gold.

Yeah, I'm jealous of her in some ways, but she's done a lot of things that have proven she's not trustworthy.

My sister died to me a long time ago when she wrote me out of her life. I don't care if she dies now. I sometimes think that would be the best thing for everybody (including her, based on what I've learned about how she's been living lately). There, I said it. Do I care about her? Not as she is. I care about how we used to be. I wish we had that back. I'm having a hard time because of how her illness is affecting everyone else. How I can never really talk to my mom anymore. How mom always sounds tired and sad. How I feel invisible and left out, more so than ever before. Is it selfish? Maybe. I don't care.

It's been a bad time generally. My illness, surgery, and continued illness (which has finally gotten better, I think, at least until I see the next specialist). My knee. he stupid ass people at church who prematurely resigned my membership, my sister-in-law's surgery (being tested for cancer, and no, I don't really care about her, either, but it just adds to everyone's stress), my niece's lack of communication. A neighbor who is always stopping by without texting me (even after I have asked repeatedly) and is frequently drunk (I tried the not answering--she just sticks around forever). A feeling that I wish were 100% apathy but is rather a mix of anger, depression, grief, and more anger.

It's complicated. And this is just part of it.

 

[whiteraven]

So many issues with my sister and my mom. She had to have a third surgery, and she is back to having problems with her speech. Now mom has to figure out how to manage the dog--she's OLD and has been in boarding for 2 weeks, and they want her gone. Mom is sooo stressed. She's actually called me twice today. I gave her some ideas about the dog, which it sounds like she is going to do, and I think she's calmed down some. But my sister is being mean and hateful, and she is refusing to do any of the things she should be doing, including going to the eye doctor (the dermatologist saw something concerning). Mom has always blamed herself for things that go wrong with us, and she's beating herself up over this whole thing.

I'm sick, and I'm thinking it's related to the surgery and all the stress. I just want to sleep all the time.