unsungresonant
New Here
So.. I live with my sister and her boyfriend (helped them bootstrap to the new state I moved to last year). Or rather, they live with me--it's my apartment, but they're listed as occupants. My daughter (close to 9 years old) lives with me too, but occasionally sees her mom (who just moved to the same state about a month ago).
It is a temporary arrangement... they chip in on some costs, we all save money, I feel less alone for right now. It's been going well. Up until last weekend.
Friday May 29, my daughter went to be with her mom for the weekend. I come back and they're (sister, boyfriend) both smoking pot openly in the living room. I have no specific issue with it as a drug, but for legal, eviction, and custody reasons, as well as common sense, I don't want it stored in the same place my young daughter lives. I knew they were obtaining some before this, and didn't say anything for two reasons: one, I wasn't sure if they were bringing it inside because I thought they'd ask permission first; two, I was scared of conflict. So at this point I push past my conflict (with great difficulty) and go up to my sister--boyfriend is in the room--and say hey, this makes me uncomfortable, smoking it out here. Please remove it. By which I meant, please take it out of the apartment, but I didn't really communicate clearly.
So the next day I feel pretty highly triggered over the whole thing until I do an ABC exercise and realize that what I'm scared of is from my past and not in the present, and I calm down. I feel proud of myself. Forward to Tuesday. I am watching a show with my daughter in my room. The boyfriend is here but not my sister (they both work, but she was coming home at a different time). I can smell pot. I find a small bag of it (marked for retail sale, as in a nearby state it is legal). I take a photo and wait until my sister comes home.
In private, I ask her what she heard me say the previous Friday, and as I suspected, I wasn't clear that I wanted it completely out of the apartment, and all the paraphernalia. I mention that I had smelled it and suspected the boyfriend was vaporizing it, and had found it not in plain sight but in a location my daughter could have easily found it. She asks me to let her talk to him, and they go outside for a while. They both come back in looking kind of shaken up and sad, and he apologizes profusely to me and says he was definitely not vaporizing it, but he messed up leaving it out, that it was an accident. Fine, I say, outlining the reasons for wanting it completely out, as long as it's completely removed.
Then things start getting weird. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evenings, when he comes home from work, he sits out in the car until (I think) some point after I go to bed. My sister tells me that he's "sulking" because he was trying to make friends with me--I had known him, sort of, for a year or two, but not really engaged a lot--and I was doing all sorts of things which I won't go into but are really a function of PTSD and not trusting someone I don't know well, and being a little isolated, withdrawn. She says that he feels like I was "throwing my weight around" about the pot and not because I cared about it being gone. Supposedly he was heavily bullied and he had an abusive childhood or something, again according to her. She says that she understands my side of it completely and is trying to communicate it to him.
From my rational point of view, as long as he did not say those things to me directly and did not ask her to say those things, it is fine with me if he needs to go out and sulk or calm down or whatever--I understand the need for space really well, and they sleep in the living room so he doesn't have a room he can go to.
From an emotional point of view, this really pisses me off and also activates me quite a bit. I haven't slept well the past two nights. Today he finally came in after work, but didn't go out of his way to talk to me, just got on his computer a bit and then went to sleep. I didn't go out of my way to avoid to him, but I didn't say anything either. I am feeling very nervous about this and I just didn't have it in me to say anything. For a while I was leaning towards asking them both to find a new place to live, because it feels like the situation is now deteriorating, and it feels like this guy is really sketchy.
But I'm used to feeling danger/wanting to escape from things, so I've wanted to let it cool down a bit and see how I feel and think about it. I just don't see how I can make progress with this, though. I don't want to ask them to find a place if I don't have to, but.. seriously, WTF guy?
I hope I can get some neutral, balanced perspective by posting this here... my therapist, before knowing most of the details (e.g. that he was out in the car and that he was resentful at having to remove the pot) suggested that I not concern myself with his emotions unless he communicates them to me directly, and that if I feel that I'm being rude to him, I could as practice try being friendly and see what happens--for my and my daughter's sake, just as a social exercise. Not to imply that I'm doing anything wrong. She also congratulated me on confronting and following up, said it took a lot of determination.
And that is all well and good but wow, this guy is pressing my triggers really hard. My dad (emotionally abusive) did tons of weird stuff like this all the time.
Is there something I'm overlooking here?
It is a temporary arrangement... they chip in on some costs, we all save money, I feel less alone for right now. It's been going well. Up until last weekend.
Friday May 29, my daughter went to be with her mom for the weekend. I come back and they're (sister, boyfriend) both smoking pot openly in the living room. I have no specific issue with it as a drug, but for legal, eviction, and custody reasons, as well as common sense, I don't want it stored in the same place my young daughter lives. I knew they were obtaining some before this, and didn't say anything for two reasons: one, I wasn't sure if they were bringing it inside because I thought they'd ask permission first; two, I was scared of conflict. So at this point I push past my conflict (with great difficulty) and go up to my sister--boyfriend is in the room--and say hey, this makes me uncomfortable, smoking it out here. Please remove it. By which I meant, please take it out of the apartment, but I didn't really communicate clearly.
So the next day I feel pretty highly triggered over the whole thing until I do an ABC exercise and realize that what I'm scared of is from my past and not in the present, and I calm down. I feel proud of myself. Forward to Tuesday. I am watching a show with my daughter in my room. The boyfriend is here but not my sister (they both work, but she was coming home at a different time). I can smell pot. I find a small bag of it (marked for retail sale, as in a nearby state it is legal). I take a photo and wait until my sister comes home.
In private, I ask her what she heard me say the previous Friday, and as I suspected, I wasn't clear that I wanted it completely out of the apartment, and all the paraphernalia. I mention that I had smelled it and suspected the boyfriend was vaporizing it, and had found it not in plain sight but in a location my daughter could have easily found it. She asks me to let her talk to him, and they go outside for a while. They both come back in looking kind of shaken up and sad, and he apologizes profusely to me and says he was definitely not vaporizing it, but he messed up leaving it out, that it was an accident. Fine, I say, outlining the reasons for wanting it completely out, as long as it's completely removed.
Then things start getting weird. Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday evenings, when he comes home from work, he sits out in the car until (I think) some point after I go to bed. My sister tells me that he's "sulking" because he was trying to make friends with me--I had known him, sort of, for a year or two, but not really engaged a lot--and I was doing all sorts of things which I won't go into but are really a function of PTSD and not trusting someone I don't know well, and being a little isolated, withdrawn. She says that he feels like I was "throwing my weight around" about the pot and not because I cared about it being gone. Supposedly he was heavily bullied and he had an abusive childhood or something, again according to her. She says that she understands my side of it completely and is trying to communicate it to him.
From my rational point of view, as long as he did not say those things to me directly and did not ask her to say those things, it is fine with me if he needs to go out and sulk or calm down or whatever--I understand the need for space really well, and they sleep in the living room so he doesn't have a room he can go to.
From an emotional point of view, this really pisses me off and also activates me quite a bit. I haven't slept well the past two nights. Today he finally came in after work, but didn't go out of his way to talk to me, just got on his computer a bit and then went to sleep. I didn't go out of my way to avoid to him, but I didn't say anything either. I am feeling very nervous about this and I just didn't have it in me to say anything. For a while I was leaning towards asking them both to find a new place to live, because it feels like the situation is now deteriorating, and it feels like this guy is really sketchy.
But I'm used to feeling danger/wanting to escape from things, so I've wanted to let it cool down a bit and see how I feel and think about it. I just don't see how I can make progress with this, though. I don't want to ask them to find a place if I don't have to, but.. seriously, WTF guy?
I hope I can get some neutral, balanced perspective by posting this here... my therapist, before knowing most of the details (e.g. that he was out in the car and that he was resentful at having to remove the pot) suggested that I not concern myself with his emotions unless he communicates them to me directly, and that if I feel that I'm being rude to him, I could as practice try being friendly and see what happens--for my and my daughter's sake, just as a social exercise. Not to imply that I'm doing anything wrong. She also congratulated me on confronting and following up, said it took a lot of determination.
And that is all well and good but wow, this guy is pressing my triggers really hard. My dad (emotionally abusive) did tons of weird stuff like this all the time.
Is there something I'm overlooking here?
