I have been struggling for along time to gain a stable foothold , i had a good business but due to many moves because of my wife's position , i eventually grew tired of re-Establising the business all the time. This led to further depression and isolation and as much as i would try to get i always found an excuse as to why i couldn't , even now , im anxious, and working to keep it in control.
I haven't worked for a company in 4 years and was always scared to go back in the job market , im over 50 rah rah .the usual drill - the fear of people , politics , corporate etc...i have used this excusee for the last few months but at the same time have been working hard on develop skills to manage my ptsd - ive had success but ive had just as many failures, made some real bad choices etc . but strangely something happened - i all of sudden found myself feeling i should get a job, yes those fears will be there , i will be rejected etc ,be prepared for the down days etc . anyway i stated applying for jobs thinking ok l,ll apply until i hit 50 applications and then leave it for a while , with the atttiude i may get one response.
i finished early last week - i got my first pre interview last Wednesday and made the cut for the final next monday - very good job - great pay etc
got home last night two emails for interviews - one at 10 this morning - went great , done well was real happy felt i had put it together well - they rang back wanted to arrange interview with vp at 3.00 - went great , connected immediately felt comfortable and confident want face to face possibly friday. another one for next monday.
then get phone call offering me work overseas , and a share in the business - its in Lagos and its managing the laying of fibre optic , and then the setting up of a remote tv station controlled remotely in Los Angeles - mmmm been there before , can get insane money , but its a daily act of real survival - mmm because of the danger i feel attracted its a real battle - its insane right , i have these opportunities and the fact im even considering Nigeria again....ive been robbed , held up with AK47 more times than i can count , under threat of kidnapping all the time and held hostage for seven days -
i am writing this here to see myself and to remind myself this is not adventure , this is insanity and to make a public committment in the never ever that i will continue to make positive and constructive steps , if i am successful at the interviews i will accept a normal job and will not go to nigeria again, i will also continue to address this very issue in therapy until such time as i accept it and am aware of it and can do what i can to change it
Furthermore i will continue on a positive path , ensuring i only surround myself with people that are real and somewhat stable and not to give myself to people who use and abuse my kindness.
I will also continue to move forward , sure i have some serious slips the last few weeks , but i see them as signs of change and have drawn the best lessons and positive actions for a long time. There will be bad days and periods absolutely ,but i refuse to fall victim to this , i refuse to let it take anymore. and yes i am scared of going into a new environment, amongst people i dont know , im terrified , but whats more scary is letting this thing turn me into a couch potato and then allowing myself to wallow fully in it
Its like jumping into the unknown - ive done it plenty of times as a reaction (negative) what the hell - do it for a positive reason - whats the worst thing than can happen - im not going to spin out or anything i can manage it....the only thing can be a wrong fit , and that can rectified
i will succeed - just keep going forward and when l hit a bump treat it as such and dont turn it into a derailment
I haven't worked for a company in 4 years and was always scared to go back in the job market , im over 50 rah rah .the usual drill - the fear of people , politics , corporate etc...i have used this excusee for the last few months but at the same time have been working hard on develop skills to manage my ptsd - ive had success but ive had just as many failures, made some real bad choices etc . but strangely something happened - i all of sudden found myself feeling i should get a job, yes those fears will be there , i will be rejected etc ,be prepared for the down days etc . anyway i stated applying for jobs thinking ok l,ll apply until i hit 50 applications and then leave it for a while , with the atttiude i may get one response.
i finished early last week - i got my first pre interview last Wednesday and made the cut for the final next monday - very good job - great pay etc
got home last night two emails for interviews - one at 10 this morning - went great , done well was real happy felt i had put it together well - they rang back wanted to arrange interview with vp at 3.00 - went great , connected immediately felt comfortable and confident want face to face possibly friday. another one for next monday.
then get phone call offering me work overseas , and a share in the business - its in Lagos and its managing the laying of fibre optic , and then the setting up of a remote tv station controlled remotely in Los Angeles - mmmm been there before , can get insane money , but its a daily act of real survival - mmm because of the danger i feel attracted its a real battle - its insane right , i have these opportunities and the fact im even considering Nigeria again....ive been robbed , held up with AK47 more times than i can count , under threat of kidnapping all the time and held hostage for seven days -
i am writing this here to see myself and to remind myself this is not adventure , this is insanity and to make a public committment in the never ever that i will continue to make positive and constructive steps , if i am successful at the interviews i will accept a normal job and will not go to nigeria again, i will also continue to address this very issue in therapy until such time as i accept it and am aware of it and can do what i can to change it
Furthermore i will continue on a positive path , ensuring i only surround myself with people that are real and somewhat stable and not to give myself to people who use and abuse my kindness.
I will also continue to move forward , sure i have some serious slips the last few weeks , but i see them as signs of change and have drawn the best lessons and positive actions for a long time. There will be bad days and periods absolutely ,but i refuse to fall victim to this , i refuse to let it take anymore. and yes i am scared of going into a new environment, amongst people i dont know , im terrified , but whats more scary is letting this thing turn me into a couch potato and then allowing myself to wallow fully in it
Its like jumping into the unknown - ive done it plenty of times as a reaction (negative) what the hell - do it for a positive reason - whats the worst thing than can happen - im not going to spin out or anything i can manage it....the only thing can be a wrong fit , and that can rectified
i will succeed - just keep going forward and when l hit a bump treat it as such and dont turn it into a derailment
