So, I am very confused & seek some insight

[Ajay24]

I actually did, give him space that is. & Usually he'd come find me and make a lewd joke. Mostly about my hard nips because I only wear bras on occasion. But yes, in those moments I agree. Something did and it s*cked.

& Now I'm confused, that was in reference to what Foot said about trying to be 'safe' to never trigger anyone. Like agreeing, that it's impossible & sometimes uncomfortable situations can help us grow so having a mindset of 'safe' at all cost would be silly. Not a direct cordilation (spelling?)

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Usually he'd come find me and make a lewd joke

Ugh I hate mixed signals.

 

[Ajay24]

You're probably right about it not being as long but it would sure feel like it. I'd just say, 'You're glitching again.' and wait it out. Then he'd normally leave the area I was in once he'd start moving again and then come back and finish the conversation. I'm pretty I know what set him off the one time but not sure if it'd be to lewd to say on here tbh. & The conversation afterwards (when he came back) definitely suggest he wasn't completely opposed to me. But yeah, mixed signals like you said .

 

[Ajay24]

But it was uncanny. & I would have been concerned for serious medical reasons but it was literally only me. I remember once he called for some work reason & I answered his question & at the end I said something I have said a million times before. & Another co-worker who was there said he wasn't moving or anything, just starting blankly ahead. I'd feel horrible man. I get what you're saying- I really truly do but I can't express how much it would really s*ck when it'd happen.

 

[internal]

Okay, so taking ^^^ this on board - that you're not aware of either of you having ptsd, and I'll assume by extension that you're also unaware of either of you having a dissociative disorder...

i was reading this thread like "what is happening."

 

[Ajay24]

I made this thread & I don't know either

 

[internal]

I made this thread & I don't know either

been there.

 

[Ajay24]

I'd like to think we all have. I wasn't actually in court related therapy because of behavioral issues tho. My ma, brothers and I all had to go as part of a 'safety house' thing for battered woman/their families. Unfortunately, I did make an impression. My poor mother. I can't remember what they said I had & since I was a complete smarta** and would only say I wasn't suppose to talk to strangers I can only guess.

 

[internal]

i mean i'll just say that this guy reminds me of me before i understood what was wrong with me. i'm gay and i have ptsd and i'm sure i confused the f*ck out of my female friends because i'd do things like that all the time and then i'd zone the f*ck out because i upset myself or something.

or i just didn't like what was happening or i was really uncomfortable but then i'd try and compensate and be even worse, and things. so by their view i was literally particpating, making jokes, flirting back, and then all of a sudden i was like "this is bad! i hate this! bye!" and i'd just like, run away, or i'd get mad and blow up, or i'd zone out, or whatever.

there's a lot of ways that straight women in particular tend to interact with gay guys-and in my experience i haven't heard too many people that actually mind it but i'm a survivor of sexual abuse (you mentioned that mighit be an issue for him as well)

and i've always found it very uncomfortable and upsetting, the way people would talk to me and things. the bounderies between straight women and gay men are a little different i've found, but not in the same way that women relate with their female friends.

in my experience women are actually more lewd with us, because they are just that way but they worry about being judged and things by their female friends so they "let loose" more with their gay male friends because they feel like, blah blah, this is all social dynamic stuff.

it might be interesting, it might not-these are my observations, they're not like, science.

the point is, and it obviously isn't every friend group and every circumstance but it at least happened often enough to me, personally, that i've noticed it. and i'd try and over correct and participate socially and it would always turn out like this-weird and strange and contradictory and downright disturbing at times.

these days i have good bounderies so i just tell people i'm not interested in that kind of discussion and they get all uncomfortable and mad at me but they move on.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

So I don’t know where to go with this lol, but that’s mostly cause my brain is offline today already.

So, I would just cut your losses. I wouldn’t stress about learning not to trigger someone because frankly you can’t. All you can do is be generally kind and open to changing when they talk to you about a trigger. That’s it, that’s the whole secret. As for pursuing anything with him? I wouldn’t. He’s giving mixed signals but more importantly he’s already in a relationship and I’m assuming happy in it? So just back away. I know you mentioned they have an open relationship but those can get sticky and if you’re wanting to go further than the occasional physical- I just wouldn’t.

I don’t know whether either of you have PTSD and having trauma doesn’t always equal a diagnosis. I’m assuming you came here to see how to handle dissociation in a person with PTSD right? But he doesn’t read as dissociated to me and he doesn’t read as having PTSD either, but there’s no way of me knowing that.

I don’t know, I’m rambling now. I would just cut my losses and move on from mixed signals and something you wouldn’t be able to control or manage anyway.

 

[Ajay24]

I have Foot, they moved more than a day drive away which was why I even put myself out there. It was never out of any notions of anything romantic actually evolving. & Most of the things I did for him, I never told him. Like throwing his going away party, or being a complete tyrant & busting my a** to make sure when he got to work he could just chill and enjoy his 2 weeks. I just did 'sweet nothings' like the flowers. The lewd things were actually already there. Both ways.

I came here because I sincerely don't understand in those moments what happened to him. But it makes sense that in one or another he was disconnected with what was going on around him.

Yea, I agree but my point was I actually was diagnosed with something that does deal with trauma (even though its irrelevant to the whole point of making this post) I just have no idea as to what. Ironically.

Grief, I really appreciate your input because I have seen him do this! I mean flat out ask to kiss a woman and then squeel out an eww afterwards. Like trying to be coy once when he was leaving the employee bathroom and I was going in. I was tired and felt sick as h*ll so I just said, 'Tf you doing man, whatcha talking about?'
When he was trying to be cute and was drawing attention to his d*ck while saying something about, 'not gonna take advantage of him am I?' basically I told him then it would be f*cked if I did. That there was no way I'd lay a finger on him without his permission.

 

[internal]

When he was trying to be cute and was drawing attention to his d*ck while saying something about, 'not gonna take advantage of him am I?' basically I told him then it would be f*cked if I did. That there was no way I'd lay a finger on him without his permission.

good f*cking christ. i'm grimacing because i'm sure i've said something like that verbatim. god. okay, so yeah. i would "gently" urge him to go to therapy.

or at the very least, put down strong bounderies about what he's saying to you that it's not okay. you may find it funny sometimes-and it probably is funny sometimes in the moment and stuff.

but in reality that stuff isn't okay, it shows a breakdown. and i'm not trying to be judgmentel of either of you because again i've been there and it's really awkward and frustrating for everybody involved.

i would bet that it isn't mixed signals, it sounds like he actually does not know what he is doing. and the fact that he's uncomfortable at other times, is clear that he is experiencing this breakdown as well.