D
Deleted member 27340
Why would I go back?
I dropped out of school because I can't keep up with deadlines. I can't do my work and I can barely focus during classes, much less actually get the time to do my homework. Constant failure and chronic lack of mastery because I never excel at all made me loose absolutely all motivation, and after I was diagnosed with ADHD I just dropped out for good (my T said I need accommodation and there's no room for accommodation in the program I did, so basically her only recommendation for treatment was dropping out. She's never talked to me about managing ADHD, either). During tests I could sit there, KNOWING the answers, and still be unable to write them down. Talk about massive demotivator and fuel to self-loathing, especially when you come home and say that "Hey, I flunked this test because I just drew all over it, but I actually knew all the answers" and you're just told to put yourself together and just do it. Sucks to sound like a lazy idiot when you're being honest. Teachers just stare at you as if you told them a ghost poured burning oil on your work if you say you knew the answers but couldn't get it down - with good reason.
Now the thing is that my foster father just told me that I need to have three options for programs I can apply to for next year ready by tomorrow afternoon. High school here works differently, we have 13 programs to choose from and you apply before March 1st with a 1st, 2nd and 3rd wish.
But out of the 13 programs, none of them are something I'd like to do. And the one that is interesting, has more theoretical subjects than I could handle. If anyone tells me I have the brains to handle it I'll explode because I've heard that just one too many times and it's absolute bullshit filled with the sour taste of gullible tendencies. I can't focus, I can't do theoretical. I already dropped out because of inability to focus. My foster father keeps saying "now will be different because you're diagnosed and they'll help you", but he's yet another gullible believer that the system of healthcare and education actually works when you need it. He also won't listen when I tell him that I don't have what it takes, because apparently he knows my skills and abilities better than me. My foster father and my foster mother share the same thoughts on the subject, so do most friends and other people around me. Because all of them totally know me better than I do.
What do I do? I'm 15, chances I'll get even a part time job are almost not present at all. I don't want to go back to school. When I've applied and showed my foster parents that I've applied, I'll go in and remove the application before March 1st. There's no way I'm putting myself through the absolute hell that school is again. I know it'll ruin any slight chance of a future I potentially had, but I'd be able to ruin that chance anyway even if I did go to school. I doubt I'll live for very long anyway, and there's no profession out there I'm interested in and would be able to do. Despite trying I can't find anything I can see myself doing where I really enjoy it, because I typically don't enjoy things that are useful to anyone or anything. I'm also the most inconsistent person out there, so I don't have any skills that I can develop into something useful, because developing skills take consistency. I'd have to make practice a habit, and I can barely keep brushing my teeth as a habit. How someone could see me passing school or getting a career or keeping a job or anything like that is crazy. If someone really knows me and are able to picture that and believe it, I'd say they're not in their right mind.
This turned into more of a rant than anything else, but I just need ideas. Haven't found anything useful anywhere so far, but it's worth the try, right? (not really, I'm just ranting.)
I dropped out of school because I can't keep up with deadlines. I can't do my work and I can barely focus during classes, much less actually get the time to do my homework. Constant failure and chronic lack of mastery because I never excel at all made me loose absolutely all motivation, and after I was diagnosed with ADHD I just dropped out for good (my T said I need accommodation and there's no room for accommodation in the program I did, so basically her only recommendation for treatment was dropping out. She's never talked to me about managing ADHD, either). During tests I could sit there, KNOWING the answers, and still be unable to write them down. Talk about massive demotivator and fuel to self-loathing, especially when you come home and say that "Hey, I flunked this test because I just drew all over it, but I actually knew all the answers" and you're just told to put yourself together and just do it. Sucks to sound like a lazy idiot when you're being honest. Teachers just stare at you as if you told them a ghost poured burning oil on your work if you say you knew the answers but couldn't get it down - with good reason.
Now the thing is that my foster father just told me that I need to have three options for programs I can apply to for next year ready by tomorrow afternoon. High school here works differently, we have 13 programs to choose from and you apply before March 1st with a 1st, 2nd and 3rd wish.
But out of the 13 programs, none of them are something I'd like to do. And the one that is interesting, has more theoretical subjects than I could handle. If anyone tells me I have the brains to handle it I'll explode because I've heard that just one too many times and it's absolute bullshit filled with the sour taste of gullible tendencies. I can't focus, I can't do theoretical. I already dropped out because of inability to focus. My foster father keeps saying "now will be different because you're diagnosed and they'll help you", but he's yet another gullible believer that the system of healthcare and education actually works when you need it. He also won't listen when I tell him that I don't have what it takes, because apparently he knows my skills and abilities better than me. My foster father and my foster mother share the same thoughts on the subject, so do most friends and other people around me. Because all of them totally know me better than I do.
What do I do? I'm 15, chances I'll get even a part time job are almost not present at all. I don't want to go back to school. When I've applied and showed my foster parents that I've applied, I'll go in and remove the application before March 1st. There's no way I'm putting myself through the absolute hell that school is again. I know it'll ruin any slight chance of a future I potentially had, but I'd be able to ruin that chance anyway even if I did go to school. I doubt I'll live for very long anyway, and there's no profession out there I'm interested in and would be able to do. Despite trying I can't find anything I can see myself doing where I really enjoy it, because I typically don't enjoy things that are useful to anyone or anything. I'm also the most inconsistent person out there, so I don't have any skills that I can develop into something useful, because developing skills take consistency. I'd have to make practice a habit, and I can barely keep brushing my teeth as a habit. How someone could see me passing school or getting a career or keeping a job or anything like that is crazy. If someone really knows me and are able to picture that and believe it, I'd say they're not in their right mind.
This turned into more of a rant than anything else, but I just need ideas. Haven't found anything useful anywhere so far, but it's worth the try, right? (not really, I'm just ranting.)
