So I've Been A Bit Quiet Recently ! ! !

[Deleted member 20280]

Well ! ! !

I have not posted for a while, myself. . . . as me.

Me so far!!!

I was first abused at the tender age of 2 yrs. a door slammed in my face to "Shut me UP" Nasty little child was I. NO an innocent little boy crying out for attention. Then thrown down the stairs aged 3 - 4 yrs for being "ANNOYING". An older brother who hated me as my parents had "Replaced" a dead brother with a "New" baby (ME).

Being a replacement for my murdered brother (aged 6 years) was to haunt me for the next 42 years.

Chris was killed by a maniac driver in 1970 who sped around a corner and hit him at nearly 60 mph, throwing him 30 foot in the air for his lifeless body to land at our fathers feet!.

SO what had "I" done to deserve the brutality of my brothers hatred towards me. "I" had been born nine months after his death. "Replacement Child".

"I" did not ask to be born and "I" certainly did "NOT" ask to be blamed for his death!.

Forty Two years late I have suffered the loss of my wife and six children, well paid job and a fantastic house.

QUESTION ?

Do i feel hatred for the people who put me in the gutter because of this "Life threatening condition of the human mind?" (CPTSD)

ANSWER ?

"NO"

"WHY"

Because their emotions were the driving factor in their actions. I do not feel hatred for any of them. Even the man who held me at knife point and raped me, forced me to perform sexual acts on him as a nine yr old boy. Threatened to cut my throat if I ever spoke of the horror he subjected me to when I was only a child.#

NO! I do not feel any hatred against any of them.

"I" forgive them!!!!!

The ability to forgive is a sacred gift given to "ALL" of us. We were children when they hurt us. We are now Adults and have conscious thought and the ability to reason "Their" actions against our Innocence!

MUM, ANDY & MY RAPIST...... " I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU "


Laurie71

 

[Madhather]

Your post reminded me of this quote, “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” ~Paul Boese

 

[nursenurse]

Love that quote, Madhather.

Laurie, I cannot even begin to imagine what you have endured over all of these years. I can picture the little boy..... but I also see a strong man in spite of it all. To have compassion for others is to have compassion for yourself. I thin k it was Gandhi who said that forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. Wishing you peace.

 

[Orglethorp]

Forgiveness is so powerful, and it's important for healing, for those who can manage to do it. Good for you for being able to do it! I think something that people forget or don't understand far too often is that there's a difference between forgiving and validating. There are times when "forgive and forget" is not appropriate, but there's never a time when simply "forgive" isn't possible. It's hard to do, and sometimes we have to forgive those who hurt us over and over again until we truly mean it, but once we mean it, it sets us free.

 

[macca]

@laurie71 You are inspirational. Wow.

 

[Spiderallis]

Very inspiring that you've found a way to forgive- especially how you've explained it, "Because their emotions were the driving factor in their actions"

Thank you for sharing that perspective, very helpful to see the process behind your healing.

 

[Abstract]

Well done!

The only thing I will say is that I think it is really important to process the anger and hurt so I am careful to not go into forgiveness too early where I am actually just redirecting that rage at myself. That is my natural default.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Thank-you all for your replies. The main driving factor is my faith. I am a an active Christian and have really struggled for many a year with being able to forgive the way the Bible teaches.

Being able to return to the "scene of the crime" as to say and face my abusers face to face after a very many years has taught me that for me to recover and move on I had to.

Literally face them and forgive them in person.

Being diagnosed traumatized me beyond recognition. Waking up in ICU opened my eyes to the fact I was not meant to go now.

It gave me a new lease of life.

Again thank-you all.

I have found this forum to be the single greatest place I can come to when I really need to and if finances dictated I would certainly donate.