So So Angry.

[macbeth]

my partner of 7 yrs tonight ranted to me that he thought I was abusive!! he said that me over ruling him when it came to the kids constitutes abuse and I am too passive aggressive to live with! WTF? He thinks he knows what abuse is??!!! SO PISSED OFF!!

 

[macbeth]

I think I will be making plans to move elsewhere.

 

[Glenn R.]

Just sounds like a simple parenting philosophy difference -- not abuse!

 

[J_trustno1]

Oh @macbeth, it sounds very difficult and struggling. I don't know what to say but sending you positive vibes and hoping things workout between you guys :hug:s.

 

[GrokkingAmbivert]

"Abuse: use (something) to bed effect or for a bad purpose; misuse." (there are many other definitions obviously, just keeping it simple)

First off, let's just say that you were in someway undermining him in regards to parenting. All the definitions I found, could not be applied to his scenario. If someone wants to throw around the word "abusive," I highly recommend they do their research in what the word actually means. Second off, it sounds like he's just trying to hurt your feelings and get under your skin. The word choice is just a little too upsetting in my opinion. If there are marital/parenting differences or issues, would it not be more reasonable, thoughtful and sensitive to talk like adults about it instead of name calling? Name calling... him I could say that is to "use (something) to bed effect or for a bad purpose; misuse."

Inconsiderate and childish. That's my opinion.

 

[Tanishq]

@macbeth it sounds your husband is misunderstanding your words when you talk about abuse. Hope things work out between you two. :hug:

Edit: Too harsh to tell you that you were passive aggressive to live with.

 

[Over the rainbow]

I am going to put another spin on this one. Iv Been in a relationship with a person who was constantly overruling my decision in front of the kids.
Everytime he did it I felt humiliated, like he was being "passive aggressive." And that he put me at the level of the kids when he did this. Not only undermining everything I said, or decision I made when it came to them, but also making me feel like my partner thought I was stupid and incapeable of making decisions. Therefore he unknowingly made me feel like crap.
When I confronted him he got extremely defensive and wouldn't talk about it, that's how I knew he wanted all control and what I said didn't matter. It hurt me very badly.
This also caused the children to "tell on me" with every decision I made and therefore they could get it overruled by him. That too was demeaning, and humiliating that I an adult was unable to make any decisions regarding them On My own.
The fact he didn't listen when I tried to tell him how it made me feel put a wedge between us. He refused to hear my side, and it made me feel like what I said didn't matter. The worst though was being overruled in front of the children, it was just horrible. It caused me to almost hate my partner, and the day Ieft I didn't feel sad because I wasn't sad to loose a relationship where I had no voice.
He wanted all control, and I was merely a thing who's feelings didn't matter, no matter if he felt that way or not that's how he made me feel.
The day I left I didn't shed a tear, 7 years I walked out because of it, the only emotion I could muster up was relief. He sat there crying as I walked by, but I felt no guilt because I had warned him, and he just didn't listen.
I know your angry, and that's a normal reaction when it feels like your being attacked. I don't know the whole story so and that's why I told you mine. Maybe you can relate to it a little. Perhaps he chose words like "abuse" that you didn't agree with. Maybe he just meant to say it hurt him. And sometimes that can feel like abuse if it's done over and over. But it's only abuse if people are aware they are hurting someone, and they continue the action that hurts the other person.
It sounds like he did try and tell you in his own way that he was being hurt, wether you meant to or not, perhaps a redo of the conversation after you both cool off might help.
Good luck. :)

 

[Friday]

Overruling with the kids can be extremely abusive and controlling. Or middling. Or borderline. It can also be neutral. Or protective. Depends on how it's done, when, why, and how often.

I am a little concerned at your outright dismissal that your partner could know what abuse is. It's something most people can easily recognize.

I have no idea who is right here (either, both, neither). Not enough information. You have me best hopes for an ideal outcome reached as smoothly as possible, however.

 

[Rumors]

Is he the type of guy that retaliated with the most hurtful thing he can think of when he feels wronged?
Some people do that. It's not fair, but they don't communicate well enough to express their anger without hurting the other person. If he had a problem with your parenting ideology, he could have waited until the kids were in bed and said, "hey, please don't undermine me in front of the kids...if I say no it means no..." Two wrongs don't make a right!!!
Do you think you really are going to leave??? I hope time and productive conversation alleviate that. Tough scenario. I hope everyone is ok.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am a little concerned at your outright dismissal that your partner could know what abuse is. It's something most people can easily recognize.

Exactly this.

I'm very concerned that you don't even take a split second to examine your own behavior.

I get the feeling that you think you know all about abuse because you have been abused but he has no such background so he doesn't know what "real" abuse is.

Why are you overruling him when it comes to the kids? This is very confusing for them.

 

[macbeth]

Thank you for the perspective guys. Yes I have reacted badly and need to examine my own behavior and contribution to the situation.

 

[Nam]

It can go both ways. With my hubs and I, we are much better off by telling each other what upsets us than waiting even a single second. It doesn't matter who is present. The highway runs both ways but I tend to do it more often than him. We have rules though. One must have a very good reason for overruling and it's a very good reason. (Something that the other may not know about yet.) It think it's good for kids to see some negotiation. We compromise quite a bit. But...we also rarely outright say NO. We try so hard to say yes to any request within reason. Passive aggressive? Maybe. Still seems better than aggressive, aggressive. We are also very in tuned to each others' needs and wants. We know each other very well. He knows my flaws and I know his. We love each other even still. So we try to argue with love behind it. So when you override him, what is your intent?

I struggle with putting his needs first, too. I look at my kids with such love...but I know that if our marriage crumbles, the kids suffer. It is loving my kids by loving their father. PTSD with a relationship and with children is complicated. Instead of getting overwhelmed by it all, try to just take one issue at a time. Work it through. Get the knots out and see if you can get it straight again.

Even though this hurts for him to say such things, it might have opened a door for communication. That is key in a relationship. Good luck to you.