So Tired Of The Constant Anxiety!

[FindingMyself88]

Yesterday was such a great day, but anxiety was constantly running underneath it all. Then today I've had anxiety all day and had an attack just an hour ago while in Wal-mart with my parents. Yesterday and today were "good days". Yesterday I was at the old barn where I used to ride and I spent time with some of the horses. I also found out the barn owner is keeping a sweet little mare (female horse) just for me so when I come I can ride her. Then today I had church and afterwards my small group. I was able to open up to my small group and tell them about the suicide attempt, it was a big deal for me. They were completely supportive and didn't give the typical christian response of "just give it to jesus." They asked if I was in therapy and I said yes. Then they just said that they loved me and supported me and were going to help me through this.

Then I had a good dinner with parents and we went to Wal-mart. I was fine until towards the end. Suddenly the isle we were on got really crowded and I panicked. Thankfully my parents understood and got me out of there. I hate this! I hate living knowing that at any moment, something can trigger me and send me into a panic. I don't feel like I know myself anymore :(.

Sorry everyone for all the posts, I am just really struggling right now...

 

[arfie]

I find myself wanting to take that closing apology as part of the anxiety attack. Maybe I am just projecting. Being sorry for things that need no apology is very much a part of my own anxiety.

Anxiety attacks always seem to follow my really good days. So much so that I have gone through periods of sabotaging my good days in order to avoid the "fall from grace." It didn't work at all. It just turned me into an eternal grump and party pooper.

Somewhere along the way I started to think it is just part of the healing process. Like maybe the good days strengthen me enough that my sub-conscious is seizing the moment to bring up one of my psychic wounds that are in need of attention. I don't know if that is true, but meditating on the possibility seems to calm the anxiety allot.

Whatever it is for you, I hope it passes quickly, or I may have to go visit that mare for you... :clown:

 

[FindingMyself88]

@arfie It probably is a part of the anxiety, I always feel like I post way to much on here.

Ugh, I hate that because it puts a damper on an otherwise good day :(. Since my parents experienced my anxiety attack in public, they are now skeptical of letting me go places alone. I'll be glad to get my service dog so they and myself will feel better about me going places. It makes me so mad at myself when I get anxious over seemingly nothing.

Thank you, I plan on going to see her not this weekend but next. Right now I am still adjusting to change of medication from psych unit and driving exhausts me.

 

[Ed Norton]

If your anxiety is overwhelming perhaps you could try a nonaddictive anxiolytic such as buspar. But the thing is buspar takes some time to act. Do not be afraid of medication if it helps alleviate suffering

 

[Hashi]

I'm glad your after-church group was so supportive, and your parents too. You've done really well to reach out.

I think you also did well to have a good day up until then. It's truly awful when it does hit though. It wasn't over nothing, this is PTSD. PTSD is - unfortunately - a big something.

Do you (or could you) carry something with you to help you with grounding? Holding a comforting object can be very helpful - a smooth stone, an object with good associations, perhaps something to do with the horse you ride, like a cut off corner of blanket?

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Ed Norton I take Klonopin as needed, but I had forgotten my purse at the house since I wasn't driving so I didn't have it available.

@Hashi Thank you, being admitted into the unit really put things in perspective for me. Sadly, I am realizing that PTSD basically controls my life right now. Plus on top of it, I've been diagnosed with anxiety disorder NOS, which I didn't know it was possible to be diagnosed with 2 anxiety disorders?

I wear rubber bands on my wrist to play with when I get anxious and I have a game on my phone that helps when I get anxious. It's just that the anxiety hit SO fast that I didn't see it coming.