So Very, Very Tired Of It All.

[StrongHeart]

With total respect for you and all you are trying to do for your relationship, please see my opinion as meant with good intentions.

I believe in empowering people, not enabling them, and that true self-esteem comes from being independent and responsible. And it seems that you are enabling his dependency on you by doing far too much for him. Perhaps it may be better for him to start to slowly take on some of the responsibilities for his daily care. This can be done by using lists of things to do, such as a list of body parts to wash, so it's not yet another way he can feel subservient to you. Try one thing a week that he can take over for himself so it's not overwhelming. That will also help you a great deal, as well, with the baby coming, and make him feel like less of a burden.

 

[HëllaBubz]

@StrongHeart, me knows you have a point. Just trying to juggle my symptoms as well as his own problems is tricky.

Might need to find a way of addressing things a little more appropriately, because i know i do a lot for him when i can, but now its starting to swap back to me needing the care.

Its like we take turns caring for each other which is necessitated by the fact that we've burnt out caring for the other person during their bad spell.

I have noticed that in some areas I have been empowering mental/environmental laziness, so I'm slowly forcing him to do things BEFORE asking me.....shits him to tears, but its slowly having an effect.

Bloody hell its like trying to reparent both of us at the same time.

Trying to find a balance is not easy.

 

[StrongHeart]

Bubzilla, it must be difficult. Go easy on both of you. :)

I know that, for my students, I do all kinds of lists and reminders so I don't have to spend time reminding them myself, and they have something other than me to turn to, so I'm not always the only authority figure. Maybe do a big family white board with reminders on it? Do you do a family calendar? They make ones (or you could make one yourself) that has a different space or use a different color pen for each member. Maybe help him get his things ready for the week, hang his clothes up by outfit, so he just has to grab and go. If you do it slowly, it will be easier on both of you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a bit disturbed that you think this sexual issue is all on you. Uhm, nope, it's not! A partner who needs to masturbate up to 10 times a day...well most women would feel stressed to please that kind of guy! Let alone a traumatized woman who can't be intimate....

He has hormonal issues and he needs to take care of that. Is he getting medical care? This issue seems to be on the side of a disorder as his sexual desires are negatively affecting his (and your) life!

 

[HëllaBubz]

you think this sexual issue is all on you. Uhm, nope, it's not!

He says the same thing, but I don't see how it's not. We wouldn't have this problem if I was able to be intimate.

well most women would feel stressed to please that kind of guy!

:oops::shy: Yeah, pretty much. My sex drive was as high as his is now before my most recent assault, so it's really taken a toll on both of us because I remember what that was like, and how much I enjoyed it.

This issue seems to be on the side of a disorder as his sexual desires are negatively affecting his (and your) life!

We have both wondered about that.....we were in a considerable amount of debt for the past couple of years, have only just gotten out of it last month, so now we'll look into seeing if it really is something a therapist or specialist can help with, now that we can afford it.

I do all kinds of lists and reminders so I don't have to spend time reminding them myself

I do. He's the kind of guy who'll ask you where the milk is, as he's opening the fridge door, to save himself looking for it. So I refuse to answer him, or deliberately delay my response, and he usually finds it himself.

Or I'll put it in a email calendar that we share......not that the bastard checks it very often! But if he says he doesn't remember talking about something, and I've put it in the calendar.....well me allows myself to act smug for a while.

Psych says it's a typical male thing, I've noticed my father, brother in law and a few other guys I've dated have done it, so I just try to nip it in the bud because it shits me to tears.
I'm the family social secretary, not a full time dementia carer! Not being paid enough to do it at home too! :confused::banghead::p

f*ck sake, I'm the one with PTSD, what the hell is his excuse all the time? I think I need to learn the difference between emotional and environmental mothering, and enforce that boundary hardcore!

Maybe help him get his things ready for the week, hang his clothes up by outfit, so he just has to grab and go.

Yeah, I make him do washing on the weekends (if I touch the new machine that he adores, I might break it by forgetting to empty the filters! :eek::p), so he knows where stuff is.

He has hormonal issues and he needs to take care of that.

Yeah, it's been something that's been bugging us for some time, the frustration of not being able to pay for help has made our situation that much worse.

Honestly, he doesn't do things deliberately (the first thing he defends himself with in an argument or when he hurts me by accident) and I tell him the same things, there's a reason the courts have a punishment for negligence as well as premeditated acts! Learn to use your f*cking head!