Relationship So What Now???

[The Woman]

Ok guys I am a little confused, I will just post our background so you will have a little understanding.


I have been with partner a good few years (ex Military) and although he had the odd traumatic nightmare he seemed able to cope and function. I found the odd sextin chats or chatroom flirts to women, he was always a flirt and it never bothered me as he was never physically unfaithful.
Now in 2014 I was diagnosed with breast cancer and partner was my rock, he cared for me through out all my operations and treatments.
I noticed the 'dreams' had come back with a vengeance, in fact we had to sleep separately due to his tossing and turning. It was during this night time separation that he became obsessed with online sexy chatting, I feeling vulnerable at this time asked him to stop, he didn't so although I am not proud of it I hit him really hard.
He eventually broke down and admitted he had a problem, not just with this but with issues from his military life and his past. This coming from a really proud man was difficult to do but it was a breakthrough as he was withdrawing from me emotionally and physically and his libido is very low. He has stopped the online addiction and I feel very proud of him, but he is still distant, wakes up tired, little interest in things and has bodily aches and pain that although investigated cat scan and MRI have found nothing to cause these.
He begins combat stress counselling soon and I am wondering how best to support him. I do keep the affection alive, kisses, holding hands cuddles, and try not to push him into sexual activity.'

So my partner had his initial appointment with combat stress then was referred to a specialist counsellor who has a department in the local psychiatric hospital. After a time he was assessed, two hours and told its low level PTSD and they would forward my partner's notes to the team and see how best to help. So we waited and waited, with the lapse of no support he went back to the chat rooms, I even found two separate payments to these 'sex chat sites'. Since then he abstains for a few weeks then it happens again.

From my stance, the fact he is going online and flirting doesn't bother me as much as he tries to hide it, so what potentially could be a bit of frivolous fun is turned into something underhand and seedy, like he is being unfaithful.

I'm worn down by the deceit as he swears its not happening, promises me he will tell me if it happens again, but never does, I always find out.

So I pressed him to go see the therapist again, and after two hours the therapist suggestion was to access his gp, for antidepressants. My partner is very loath to do this, so what does this mean he doesn't have combat stress? he is depressed, but it won't cure his obsession with the chat rooms.
Where do I go from here, put up with it or try something else

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm not sure what the term low level PTSD means?

Antidepressants are used for PTSD.

I think it would be a good idea for you to research PTSD so you can understand what it is and what it isn't.

Also, combat stress isn't the same as PTSD. I'm sure combat people can elaborate on this more. (Combat stress isn't a diagnostic term but does have relevance.)

 

[Deleted member 34424]

You could try couples therapy, but it needs to be with a therapist that knows PTSD. I'm not sure if couple therapists do, but if they don't that therapist will definitely refer you to someone that does. Make sure you mention what you need beforehand.

 

[The Woman]

Hi

Thank you for the replies, I need to explain further that here in the UK 'Combat Stress' is the name of a charity organisation that helps veterans cope with the effects of military service of which PTSD is one.

I really don't know what the therapist meant by low level PTSD, all I know is that there has been no regular therapy been offered, just a 'ring when its needed' and advised to access GP.

 

[Sweetpea76]

PTSD doesn't cause lying or sexual addiction. Sometimes sex can be used as a coping mechanism to deal with symptoms... But I'd be wary to excuse all this because he has PTSD.

Just because it's a coping method doesn't mean it's healthy.

Just because he has PTSD doesn't mean he gets a free pass to do whatever.

Do t fall into the new supporter trap of excusing everything as PTSD.

 

[Friday]

I'm not sure what the term low level PTSD means?

PTSD isn't a static disorder. There are times when people are highly symptomatic and times when people experience virtually no symptoms whatsoever. In fact, that's the whole goal of therapy, to get symptoms down to the lowest level possible, aka asymptomatic. PTSD isn't curable, but most people can get their symptoms managed that well.

Low level PTSD is just saying where he's at on the general spectrum of highly symptomatic - moderately symptomatic - minimally symptomatic - asymptomatic.

 

[Justmehere]

I feeling vulnerable at this time asked him to stop, he didn't so although I am not proud of it I hit him really hard.

You physically hit him? I don't judge you at all for this mistake, but let's not skip over the serious sign this is that things are not going well in this relationship. If a man hit a woman, most people quickly call that domestic violence. It's the same even when a woman hits a man, even when it's for something like online sexual chatting. What have you done to address this for yourself so that this doesn't happen again, no matter what he does? That's going to be important in order to build a healthy intimate relationship in the future.

Do I keep the affection alive, kisses, holding hands cuddles, and try not to push him into sexual activity?

This would be a good question to ask him. In general, it's rarely a good idea to push for sexual activity unless the other person communicates that they want that. Express what you want, and ask him what he wants. Your level of sexual activity with him won't likely change the chatting.

If the goal is to have physical affection from you replace the online chatting, it may not be a replacement in that kind of way. His sexy chatting is likely an escape - it's controlled intimacy. It's different than relating to someone in real life, where someone can see all the flaws and there are greater levels of intimacy and vulnerability.

In addition to what others have suggested, I would suggest seeking out counseling for you. Not because there is something seriously wrong with you but because this is a challenging and hard situation that you are understandably struggling with. When it comes down to it, you really can't control him or stop his behavior anyhow, only he can do that, but there might be more things you can do to set and keep boundaries - and this may make it easier for intimacy over the long haul. Hitting someone is a way to communicate "no" and to essentially push them away. Not just physically, but emotionally too. You've got to become well practiced at other ways to set boundaries without escalating to that point, for your own sake and his.

His therapist sounds sketch, but if it's him describing what the therapist said, he may be adding the very unclinical term "low level" to PTSD, to down play the diagnosis himself. It can be really hard for some sufferers to accept and admit that they have PTSD, and it can be a very vulnerable thing to face and communicate to a loved one, and it sounds like he may already be struggling with vulnerably already.

Meds can help PTSD in some cases, but adequate therapy is key. He's also got to be willing and ready to do the work, face the trauma, and make changes.

I hope you are both able to find great support to build the kind of relationship you both want to have.

 

[The Woman]

You physically hit him? I don't judge you at all for this mistake, but let's not skip over the serio...

Hi yes I feel I must defend my actions here.
I understand totally what your saying, domestic abuse is the abuse of power, I worked with the police as their crisis support worker for domestic abuse. I taught psycho education groups, domestic abuse is systematic not a one off.
I don't advocate violence in any form, however having just undergone another surgery due to the cancer and finding out yet again, I just lost it.
I have found out many incidences of his 'chatting' since then and none of them have resulted in violence on either side!! I would put that one off, down to duress in the circumstances.