So What To Do About Co-dependency

[EloiseLandau]

I think I've got the PTSD and the friend has co-dependency. And he blames me for not seeing how many people he takes care of (martyr) and not always stifling my own desire to work through issues with him. I now add to his burden and he just wants me to get better...on my own.
I know colorful people, it seems.

He asserts it's his right to shut me down if he doesn't want to deal with me. Or to walk away when I was screaming due to emotional flashbacks and I got lost in them. He walked away when I felt a part of my group assault happening again because he didn't feel like watching me twist around on the ground trying to get away from "them."

It's been calmer and I've felt better but he doesn't care. He's just a suffering nice guy who everyone runs to and depends on.

Except I don't ask him to rescue me, just work with me. I guess that's too much to ask.

I need more cats and then I'll just be the crazy cat lady.

 

[Eleanor]

Really really blunt reply {WARNING! }
OR He's an emotional vampire who gets off on other people's pain by being the "hero." If you can't provide an occasion for him to rescue you (or someone else) he is just not interested. YOU cannot do a cotton picking thing about his co-dependency. Except not play. He doesn't want to "work through it", yes? And his lack of compassion for you is stunning. Really.

What a putz he is. Seriously EL, you can do better than this...

 

[Meadowsweet]

From how I understand it, co-dependency is a two way thing. That both parties are dependent.

Either one person is dependent on drugs/alcohol etc and the other depends on them being needy. Or one person needs to be the strong 'helper' and the other needs to demonstrate they are weak and needy in some way. But both remain in that co-dependent state.

The answer is to walk away from him and see what happens, and try not to walk into another co-dependent relationship.

Its not an easy option, but I think it is the only way to get out of co-dependent relationships.

 

[The Albatross]

One or both parties. "Codependent personalities evolve from attempts to keep some type of order in a hurtful relationship. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways. Many times, the act of enabling satisfies a need for the codependent person because his or her actions foster a dependency from the other person or persons in the relationship."

"The enabler thinks irrationally by believing he can maintain healthy relationships through manipulation and control. He believes he can do this by avoiding conflict and fostering dependency. Is it rational for someone to think that he can maintain a healthy relationship when he does not address problems and he lies to protect others from their responsibilities? The way a codependent person can continue to foster this dependency from others is by controlling situations and people around him. As a child, they may have been reinforced to comply with actions and decisions of a parent instead of being afforded opportunities to challenge those actions that they found to be wrong. Can you see how these types of messages could foster the development of irrational thinking? The ongoing themes in a codependent home are to avoid conflicts and problems and to make excuses for destructive or hurtful behavior."

"The power afforded to the codependent person in a relationship reinforces his need for control even if he uses inappropriate means to fulfill his need to be in control. A second and overlooked reason centers on the inconsistent messages and unclear expectations presented by someone who is codependent. These characteristics contribute to a relationship filled with irrational thoughts and behavior. This kind of relationship has no clear rules to right and wrong behavior."

There is a payoff... a "reward" for people who are involved and stay in codependent relationships. Both of my marriages are/were codependent relationships. For my part, I had to visit the reason I stayed in the relationship and try to identify my "pay off". From there I could further examine the relationship and reaffirm the reasons I chose to stay or whether or not the relationship could be saved. My husband did the same and then we had to sit down and communicate with each other. We addressed it together and in our case, both of us were codependents.

What we found, was that my present husband was actively trying to recreate his family of origin and trying to redo the scenarios to get to a place where he felt comfortable and more stable (more familiar, and in control)... and I was trying to unify and create calm through chaos (something I couldn't do in my family of origin)... the cycle was independently running on auto pilot for both of us and it led to a lot of difficulties and drama. We had to redefine the relationship mutually and consciously.

 

[catjudo]

Is this guy your therapist? Your spouse? Or even your boyfriend? Otherwise, what you're asking of him may be too much.

He asserts it's his right to shut me down if he doesn't want to deal with me. Or to walk away when I was screaming due to emotional flashbacks and I got lost in them. He walked away when I felt a part of my group assault happening again because he didn't feel like watching me twist around on the ground trying to get away from "them."

Those things may very well be more than he can deal with. And I would think it is within his right to walk away if it is more than he can handle.

I'm confused as to how he is being co-dependent if he is trying to walk away from the situation but you're the one getting upset and doesn't think he has the right to do so. Maybe I've misunderstood part of the situation.

 

[EloiseLandau]

Catjudo, he just says he doesn't feel like dealing with it. He used to leave just long enough for an episode to subside, and then expects things to go on as before. He'd rather pretend it didn't happen. This was doubly so when he was the one that triggered me, You want co-dependent? He's begged me many times not to leave, that it'll be the end of him if I go. But without a mutual willingness to work together, there isn't going to be much of anything.

What gets me upset is that he is the one that triggers me and then he leaves. And he knows he triggers me. But then he pretends he's the hero and takes on SO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY and declares EVERYONE LEANS ON HIM; it's such a burden and I'm the greatest burden of all. Everything was fine and manageable until I came along. Which kind of begs the question on why he won't kick me out if I'm that awful.

The Albatross has got it down. He's frustrated because I'm harder to control than anyone else. He doesn't want conflict, he wants someone who is independent but also malleable. There are times he has openly yelled at me for not being nearly as easy to control as anyone else he knows.

If I could afford to move out, I would. I rent part of his house. We were friends when I moved in. Now I use the term "friend" loosely.

 

[mamachick]

He may very well be co-dependent. Is that even an issue here? Did he tell you why he begged you not to leave? Has it been a romantic relationship? Is her in need of your friendship that badly? Does he need the money that badly? What do think his real fear is?

I have ptsd and don't want conflict. I walk away from screaming people. I also have taken care of too many people that are needy, emotionally, financially, physically. I know that I have and have said so when rejecting someones behavior that I can no longer handle. I have said it to justify my behavior of turning my back on someone I love. The bottom line is that we all react in some way, very few in a "perfect" way. We all have something going on in our heads and react based on this.

Walking away and ignoring "what he may consider to be bad behavior" might be the healthiest choice. Had I had the sense to do that, I might not have ptsd.

I guess I am just confused about this post. If he is your landlord, what is it that you expect him to work with you on?

 

[EloiseLandau]

We were friends brat17, something that doesn't come up to often in my real life.

Eleanor seems to have a good gist of it, too....

 

[EloiseLandau]

And I am wondering if it makes a difference that I mention HE is the one that triggered those moments of screaming and he is aware he did, but left anyway? Or does that not make a difference and walking away is the healthiest thing still?

Nevermind. I'm done with this. I'm starting to think someone who walks away but fully expects to be treated with warmth and without anger when they return is not displaying a healthy mentality, they are only being fair weather friends.

 

[catjudo]

Catjudo, he just says he doesn't feel like dealing with it. He used to leave just long enough for an episode to subside, and then expects things to go on as before. He'd rather pretend it didn't happen.

At best, he's just a friend. It's perfectly well within his rights to not deal with your issues if he doesn't want to. And that even means he can choose to help you or deal with your issues sometimes and other times decide that he doesn't want to. Being your friend does not mean that he is under obligation to deal with your issues whenever they come up.

What gets me upset is that he is the one that triggers me and then he leaves. And he knows he triggers me.

Your triggers are just that, YOUR triggers. They are for you to recognize and deal with. Need help with that...that's what a therapist or psychiatrist is for. It's nice when/if a friend is able to help you with that, but not a requirement of friendship. And, again, just because they help sometimes does not obligate them to do it every time. It isn't someone else's responsibility to be vigilant about and avoid your triggers for you.

 

[mamachick]

Unfortunately, triggers come without intent or pre meditation. I was recently triggered by a late knock on my door. The knocker was not intentionally causing me pain, and left without know the emotions associated with this minor action. In essence, the knocker caused the trigger. If I would have responded with screaming at him, Im sure he would have never returned to tell me anything that as a neighbor was a benefit for me to know. We would all have to be mind readers because what triggers you would not trigger me-vise versa.

It does sound that since he has begged you to stay, it may be worth going into a temporary situation (shelter) until you can afford suitable housing.

Sometimes it is a tough call-who is in control. If you explode at me and I react/respond (run, get angry, etc). then you are in control. If I continue preparing dinner while watching the new, then I am in control. Yet from another perspective, if I blow up from trigger, and you continue doing what you are doing and do not acknowledge my behavior, even pretend it never happened, you can say-I am in control. While if we all just accepted responisibility for ourselves, we would often find we are only in control of ourselves ant much of the rest is imaginged

 

[EloiseLandau]

Unfortunately, triggers come without intent or pre meditation.

Usually, yes. Some people fight dirty, too. (But I'm thinking of someone else entirely.)

brat17: I think you've got a good point there too.
I don't know why people HAVE to be in control of others.

Like I said, fair weather friend.