Solitary Life

[EveHarrington]

Do you live a solitary life? What struggles do you face? How do you deal with these struggles?

I'm coming to the realization that I actually have a chance of living a stable life IF I'm alone. Maybe this sounds crazy, but due to the nature of my abuse, I cannot handle any sort of relationship beyond an acquaintance who I only know very casually.

I've tried so hard for so long to have normal relationships but I have no clue how to have one. There seems to be this idea that I can just magically fix myself, but the truth is that I have no clue, and therapists have never been able to help me in this realm.

I am looking for support as I am in a bad place. Please do not comment if you are going to call me crazy/stupid for wanting to be by myself. Thank you.

 

[Ronin]

What are you missing most right now, Eve, to feel more fulfilled with the life you have or kick it off into new directions you need it?

Totally not crazy, having a direction is not cray-cray, just wondering what are your priority needs now and how can you start meeting them.

As to answer, I live greatly solitary, but past a few it has been more isolation out of opportunities failing and leading to ways I really do not need them, than choice out of preference. I am open to socializing, and open to letting people into my life, if they prove they either can back out of it upon request or can have my back and it is the point I have gotten stuck with.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I made the decision to live alone after my last relationship failed. I told him I wanted to be alone. I ran into him maybe 1- 1 1/2 yrs ago and told him I'm still alone. I broke up with him when I was 46 yrs old. I will be 63 next month. I LOVE living alone, I don't miss having a relationship, I enjoy my quiet. I have contentment.

I don't find living alone an issue with or without PTSD. It a CHOICE, plain and simple. There are many many people out there that choose to be alone.

I totally get where you are coming from....

 

[PTSDisweird]

Do you live a solitary life? What struggles do you face? How do you deal with these struggles?

I...

I have always hated to be alone. I hate loneliness. Feels like a spiral, and the longer i stay lonely, the deeper i go inside the spiral of loneliness. The longer i am by myself, the harder it is to face people. I have always liked to be with people, ofcourse ones i like and value, and like and value me too ofc.

That being said, when i am alone things are simpler. No things to remember like birthdays, night outs that have been arranged, maybe less money to spend, even though when being solitary, i spend way more money on food for comfort and because i like it. Maybe more time to "order" things going on in my mind etc.

Being solitary has some benefits to be honest, but for me, i choose to be surrounded by valuable people. I never liked to feel like i am alone for long periods of time, i feel like i dont belong in society, and i always, always hated the feeling of not belonging in social circles, since i was a child.

I dont call you crazy or mad or blah blah, its just me.

 

[Gadgie]

Aye! there are times when I feel quite content living alone, as you say, less stress, no worries, no forgotten birthdays and the like, but then there are occasions when it does get me down?

I think the biggest difference it was for me, was that I wasn't responsible for anyone any more, after seven years of being a 24/7 carer, finding my self alone, was a massive change for me.

The fact that my late wife's family have cut me off completely, has turned out to be quite a good thing for me in the end.

 

[Sideways]

Really struggling with this issue. Weird thing is that even though I've got myself almost completely free of real human connection, I actually find tolerating my own company really difficult because of the self-loathing.

I'm working at it at the moment on the (potentially incorrect) premise that hewlthy human connection is one of those things that I can not only learn, but will ultimately make all this worthwhile. So even though alone is where I need to be at the moment, I haven't committed myself to it long term. For me, I don't think I can afford to.

So I'm approaching it much like the learning curve on all the other healthy stuff I need to learn from scratch: like self-esteem, thought patterns, etc etc. Start small, take baby steps.

What that looks like for me right now is committing to a genuine, friendly "Hello" when I pass neighbours from my unit complex. Not seeking them out, not delving into conversation yet, not forcing myself to like them or be honestly interested in their life. Just saying "Hello", with a smile, and moving on.

Might sound dumb, but it's a big deal for me. It's hard, uncomfortable, and often plain terrifying. Often I have to rush back into my unit and do anti-panic attack routines straight away. But if that's where I need to start, that's where I need to start.

We can keep learning, we can change. We just need mammoth patience and to just not quit.

With you, at a safe distance, in a safe way, on this issue Eve. I hear you, I really do.

 

[Friday]

I responded, then I had to go back and read again, because I realized a bit belatedly you're not just talking about romantic relationships, are you? But all relationships outside of casual acquaintance?

Yes. I've done that. From truly solitary / no humans in my life of any kind... To the only humans in my life are sehr kept at a deliberate distance (shop keepers, ticket takers, doctors, etc.)... To casual relationships via work & neighbors but no personal relationships.

My version of ^^^^ those things aren't exactly healthy. I have known people who deliberately set out for that kind of lifestyle, and it worked well for them, and they've lived that way for decades. My solo jaunts, and periodically isolating from everyone/everything were much shorter/ more reactionary/ and ultimately temporary.

Anyhow, just wanted to check, before writing more.

 

[ladee]

I love my solitary life. I live alone but am not lonely. I have very close friends but see them or talk with them when I want or if they call just to catch up.
After my last failed marriage, I accepted that it is just too much work. Something I am no longer willing to invest myself in.
Friends tho, that is different to me. I personally need the interaction with my friends. But I can go weeks and not see anyone and be ok and comfortable.
I know when I am isolating and take steps to break up that place that leads to PTSD ruling my thinking. Get out of that unhealthy comfort zone.
But I truly enjoy my solitude.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, I mean solitary without friends or a partner.

I always think I can handle relationships but they are always so stressful for me that everything else starts to crumble.

I am ok with acquaintances at church, work, etc. If you met me in public you wouldn't think I had massive relationship issues. I can get chatty with people in the grocery store, Starbucks, the bartender at restaurants when I do take out, etc. I know this is massively different than being in a relationship, I just want to give an idea of where I'm at. Public interaction is fine as long as I'm not overly stressed. I'm ok when people are nothing more than acquaintances. The problems set in at anything more because the cracks in the façade start to show. It's at this point that people start to see the reality of my life and I just can't handle it. It's not safe; my system screams danger and things go downhill.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I find I'm most lonely when I'm with people - even my loved ones. I've reached a point in my recovery where I feel that I could have a healthy relationship, and human nature being what it is, I find myself craving solitude. I no longer believe that I'm supposed to be in relationships.

So, no, I don't think it's crazy.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@EveHarrington I have 1 friend that I talk to on almost a daily basis. She lives 800 miles away from me. I have no friends where I live, I don't go out with people to the movies, dinner ect. Sometimes at work (I am a housekeeper) people might be home, but usually not.

So, I'm pretty much alone. If my friend didn't call, my phone would never ring. When I come home from work, I shut the door and no one knocks on it. I like it this way......

 

[Elef]

I'm ok when people are nothing more than acquaintances. The problems set in at anything more because the cracks in the façade start to show. It's at this point that people start to see the reality of my life and I just can't handle it. It's not safe; my system screams danger and things go downhill.

This is exactly where I am. I feel broken.